There’s a common pattern that shows up in those of us wanting to heal from our traumas or entering into more of a self-aware state. This pattern is the guilt and shame of feeling a certain way or just the mere thought that we may be in a space that isn’t necessarily an acceptable trait in our society.
One of the ways trauma stays stored in our body long after the event(s) occurred, is in our nervous system. This is when our body senses a level of danger larger than our capacity to cope, resulting in a state of hypo or hyper-arousal.
Unhealed trauma tells our body that the threat is constant, so we stay in that trauma space. When we are constantly in fight or flight we are ready to fight and/or run away, we are hyper-vigilant or hyper-social. When we are in a constant freeze state we are depressed, have chronic illness, fatigue, and we try to blend in and hide with minimal socializing.
Many times, being in these two states or a combination of the two can lead us to feeling shame in our actions. We know something is off, but we can’t “fix” it or pull ourselves out. We may try to force ourselves to do something we don’t want to do to get us out of our current hypo or hyper states because we feel “have” to. Many of us don’t want to admit we aren’t ok. It makes us feel weak, vulnerable and uncomfortable.
One of the most important things I’ve learned and I teach my clients is getting into a space of feeling comfortable in being uncomfortable. This means admitting to yourself that you are not ok, and that’s ok. It’s honoring your feeling and staying in that space of hyper or hypo arousal, rather than forcing yourself to act or be a certain way because you think that’s what others expect of you.
It may seem uncomfortable at first, but it’s actually helpful for your body and your mental state. When you are in a state of hyperarousal, your nervous system needs to know that you can fight, run away and succeed. You need to have the experience of succeeding and self-protection. This allows you to return back to homeostasis.
If you are in a state of hypo arousal, it’s important that care for and nurture yourself back into balance. Allow yourself to sit on the floor and take deep breaths. Go for walks outside barefoot, feel the grass beneath your feet, walk in silence, listen to the sounds of nature, place your hand on the trees around you and smell the flowers. Create a gentle space to feel safe in.
This may not come to you naturally, which is why it may feel uncomfortable. Allowing yourself to go through emotions and feel your feelings fully is not something we are taught growing up. Most of us are taught to “stay strong” and “man up”, but this causes more harm than good as it stifles our ability to be fully present in each moment.
Dr. Joe Dispenza says that learning to be comfortable in our own discomfort is our challenge to grow and it makes us feel more alive-- and that is exactly what healing trauma is about. It’s about learning to let go, to allow yourself to be, stop numbing your emotions, be with your sorrow, and gently guide yourself back to where you’re meant to be.
When we allow ourselves to feel, to heal, to accept and honor the space we are in right now as this given time, we open the gateway to overall self-acceptance and love, not just for ourselves, but those around us. We can allow others to be in their own space. We understand that we all have flaws, we have all made mistakes in our life and we have all acted out towards others as a result of our own traumas. This understanding is one of the greatest steps towards healing.
If you are in a space now of disarray, confusion, depression, anger, sorrow, or whatever it may be, just take a deep breath, let it out, and honor that space you are in. Allow yourself to go through the feelings. Don’t try to rush it. Don’t try to fix it. Don’t try to fight it. Learn to be comfortable in being uncomfortable, surrender to your feelings and let it take you where you need to go.