What I wish I could tell my younger self

Looking back on why I spent so much time worrying about completely useless things

There are so many things I wish I could tell my younger self. The wounded child. Shy, introverted, scared, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually abused. The child bullied for her looks, a tall skinny white girl in the land of curvaceous Latinas in Central and South America. Who grew up thinking she was ugly, told she looked like a boy, so acted like a boy. Whose friends scrawled on the back of her shirt "Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?"

I wish I could tell my younger self it'll all be ok. Like, seriously. It’ll be ok. You’re learn that you’re worthy of love and respect. Also, you were never ugly, you just needed to believe you were beautiful, and fuck whatever others say, for real. Confidence will be your greatest accessory and no one will make you feel inferior without your consent. You will love every part of yourself, and from that love, you will learn to love others.

But seriously little Serena, you were never ugly! Just because people made you feel that way does not make it true. Don’t take everything and everyone so seriously. Also you’ll be naked a lot in your older life so chill out with the body issues. It’s all. In. Your. Head.

Who else wishes they could go back and tell themselves a simple message like this? I tell my inner child this all the time. When those seeds of doubt and comparison creep in, return to yourself, you source. It does not have to be hard. You don't need tapping and journaling and pure diets and meditation. Acknowledge the thoughts with compassion, then remind yourself feelings don't make it true. Just because someone said something or made you feel a certain way does not make it so. Fuck them all.

Then go take all the naked photos of yourself that you want.

How I keep sabotaging myself...and how to stop it

"Excuses for ourselves still ultimately be the killer of our dreams." -- @realcandaceowens

Recently I realized I've been making a lot of excuses for myself. Why I haven't gotten to X point in life or accomplished X goal. Then I suddenly realized that the only person holding me back is myself.

I realized that the biggest thing I was doing was making excuses for myself. “It’s not the right time, I don’t feel like it, I don’t feel ready, etc.” But as the famous quote says, “Done is better the perfect,” It’s so important to actually START something and get it going, get it finished, even if it’s not perfect, stop making the excuses that are holding you back and step into the unknown.

So I decided to stop the self sabotaging behavior, take a few steps back and reassess some patterns in my life. While yes, I will be letting go of some things and grieving the way I thought my life would go, that only means I'm making room for better things to come.

That also means I’ll be challenging myself a lot more, stepping into more discomfort and allowing myself to grow, to reach new goals and to set standards that I have been too overwhelmed to set or felt like they were too much out of reach. Even if I felt that it's too much pressure or I’m not prepared, I have to remember that Tomorrow never really comes, and preparation can sometimes be a sneaky disguise for procrastination.

To turn our aspirations into reality, we must be willing to step into the unknown, face our fears head-on, and push ourselves beyond what feels safe and familiar. That's where the magic happens!

So, here's my challenge to myself: To on a journey of discomfort and growth, with the unwavering determination to reach my goals. Whether it's pursuing a new career path, starting a passion project, or simply taking better care of ourselves, l will banish procrastination from my life.

Progress doesn't always come easily. It's okay to stumble, make mistakes, and encounter setbacks along the way. Embrace those moments as opportunities for learning and growth. Each step, no matter how small, brings us closer to the person we aspire to be.

From now on I will hold myself accountable, cheer others on, and celebrate every milestone achieved. I will share struggles and triumphs, and inspire others to join this incredible journey. We're capable of more than we could ever imagine, and it all starts with that courageous first step.

So, here's to embracing discomfort, bidding farewell to procrastination, and unleashing our full potential! It’s time to step into our greatness and stop sabotaging myself and my dreams.

What have you been putting off lately and finding excuses for? Take a look at your life, you may be surprised at what you find.

GOOD NEWS!!! Change is here!!

Changing it up, no more talk only about trauma, trafficking, and sadness. I’m living life my way, in full integrity with myself, what I want to do, and my happiness. Get ready for change!

GOOD NEWS! CHANGE IS HERE!

The past four years I’ve done deep, dark, healing work on myself. I’ve come out of the shadows, told my story, faced scrutiny, vulnerability, and more.

But now it’s time to pivot my life and everything in it.

I’ll always be on life's journey, growing and getting to the next level. But on this level, it’s time to step out of the pain and into pleasure.

I will always share my story as a former cult child celebrity. I will always have things I need to heal, trauma I need to address and issues to work out. I will still support the fight against child trafficking.

BUT…there is so much more to life that that! On the other side of healing, is joy. And that’s how I feel now. I feel joyful, peaceful, calm, and FREE.

Beyond the healing & tears is a moment I knew it would click: I am healed. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. I am whole, happy, thriving and able to be who I am without apology--a little weird, a little crazy, a little naked, and definitely not afraid.

Beyond the healing journey is the healed. Beyond the pain is pleasure, & that time is now.

You know you’re healed when you’ve transitioned from shadows, darkness, and sadness, to joy, passion, and pleasure. You’re healed when what haunted you no longer has power over you. I’m healed because I don’t care to talk about my past again. It doesn’t control me.

Friends, consider this my resignation letter. I resign from talking about things that no longer bring me pleasure. I resign from trauma, trafficking, and despair. It has its place, yes. But that place is not in my life 24/7.

Most of all I resign from the self-imposed prison I’ve locked myself in. The key was in my hand all along, I just needed to give myself permission to leave. So I’m putting the key in the door, turning the handle, and letting myself out.

I don’t have to purify or cleanse my body from anything, because I like being dirty. Get. Ready.

I'm not here to fit in or make your life more comfortable

Living in authenticity with yourself means sticking your values and beliefs, no matter how outrageous, hard, or angry it may make others.

The below poem carries so much meaning for me. Especially during this time of finger pointing, us versus them mentality, the "if you're not this then you're this" accusations, shaming so many into silence for fear of repercussions, and censoring those who have not silenced themselves.

We all want to fit in and be part of a group, we all want to feel like we’re “doing good” and helping society, but at what cost of to our authentic self?, our beliefs and our integrity I guess that's for each of us to decide.

"We are not here to fit in, be well balanced, or provide exempla for others. We are here to be eccentric, different, perhaps strange, perhaps merely to add our small piece, our little clunky, chunky selves, to the great mosaic of being. As the gods intended, we are here to become more and more ourselves.”
— James Hollis

What other people think of you is none of your business

FYI, You will never please everyone, so don't even try.

What others think and have to say about you has nothing to do with you. It's about them and what they dislike about themselves.

Here's the key though: if you have a problem liking, accepting, and being content with yourself, there's no way you can give up worrying about others.

As women we are trained from birth to be likable, content, happy, never angry or sad, to stay thin, never age, always be sexy but mysterious, smart but not too smart, funny but not too funny, serious but not too serious, so many things our male counterparts never have to worry about.

We have to relearn that it's not our responsibility to be liked, understood, approved of, or accepted by everyone. If you constantly try to get everyone to like you, there is no way you can act from an authentic place. You will lose yourself in the pursuit of other's approval.

Take the time to work on you. Figure out what you don't like about yourself, and change it. If you can't change it, learn to accept it.

I'm learning to unlearn. To live from an authentic place. This means being sad when you're sad, raging when you're angry, laughing uncontrollably when you're happy.

Repressed trauma turns into sadness. Repressed sadness turns to rage. Repressed rage turns to depression. Repressed depression turns to mental illness. Repressed Mental illness turns into disease. Disease alters your DNA, which then passes on to the next generation.

Life is not all sexy, perfect, happy, and joyful. It's messy, sad, despicable, confusing, and tragic. But it's also beautiful, transformative, and adventurous. Learn to love it and in turn, love yourself. That's the true act of rebellion.

What are your core values? And are you living from them?

What happens when you stray from integrity, and how to get back to it.

I listened to Marie Forleo’s latest Marie TV with Martha Beck and wow, it was a good one.

This interview aligned exactly with things I’ve been working on myself, specifically regarding integrity and authenticity. 

Integrity happens to be one of my words for 2021. The more I talk about my life, experiences, and how it’s made me the person I am today, the more it’s crucial for me to live in my integrity, authenticity, & to follow my heart regardless of what’s happening around me, what others think or what the majority is doing. 

For someone that was groomed from childhood to be a people pleaser, forced to act a certain way because of my status in the cult & constantly told “everyone is watching me", each time I acted out or tried to be my own person, I was shamed and told I was bad & wrong. Needless to say, undoing all the brainwashing was hard for me.

Listening to this interview helped me connect things I’ve talked about here recently regarding fear, shame, and depression. Martha Beck says the cure for unhappiness staying within your integrity. That’s it. Separating from that not only affects you emotionally, but physically as well. "Once you leave your truth, your immune system function goes down, your heart rate goes up, adrenaline spikes, and stress hormones increase.

I started asking myself how closely am I adhering to my truth on the deepest level? If I’m staying true to my integrity, I’m happier. If I'm fearful or sad, most likely I’m not in line with my integrity and internal guidance system. 

That is SO SIMPLE. When we're living in integrity, we have peace, joy, love, & freedom. It's what we are & what we all yearn for. When we split from one or all 4 of those things, we stay rooted in fear and depression until we return to joy. 

Freedom and integrity are my two core values, my guidance systems. If I’m not getting those things, I’m not within my integrity. I’ve veered off course and strayed from my truth. 

If you’ve been feeling sad, off kilter or unbalanced, check in with yourself. Ask if you’re walking in the path of your integrity. It’s a hard question, because many of us THINK we’re living in our integrity, when really we’re just doing what we think we should be doing. That’s not our truth. It’s everyone else’s.

It may take awhile to figure this out. But think of two words that represent your deepest core values. Just two. Courage, integrity, faith, family, money, adventure, love, career, whatever. Once you’ve found those two, figure out if you’re living within those values. If not, then you’ve veered off course, and that’s probably what’s making you sad, angry, confrontational, unbalanced. That’s that’s fine. Now you know, and you can change it. 

You can change it by finding the pieces of yourself that are stuck in false beliefs. The things we think we should be doing, but really it’s what we think others think we should be doing. Recognize it, let it go, and change directions. Start living closer to your truth, your core values and your integrity. It’s a huge shift, but it’s worth it.

Everything that happens to us is happening for us. Every ache, pain, and depression is a gift, a sign post that is telling you to go a different way. Obstacles are always detours in the right direction, usually telling us that we’ve strayed from our values, and it’s time to get back to who we really are. If something isn’t working for you, don’t try harder, try a different way completely.

No matter how far we’ve strayed, we can always come back to wholeness, to yourself. The moment we decide to trust ourselves and follow our truth, that’s when immediate healing begins. It’s that simple.