What I wish I could tell my younger self

Looking back on why I spent so much time worrying about completely useless things

There are so many things I wish I could tell my younger self. The wounded child. Shy, introverted, scared, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually abused. The child bullied for her looks, a tall skinny white girl in the land of curvaceous Latinas in Central and South America. Who grew up thinking she was ugly, told she looked like a boy, so acted like a boy. Whose friends scrawled on the back of her shirt "Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?"

I wish I could tell my younger self it'll all be ok. Like, seriously. It’ll be ok. You’re learn that you’re worthy of love and respect. Also, you were never ugly, you just needed to believe you were beautiful, and fuck whatever others say, for real. Confidence will be your greatest accessory and no one will make you feel inferior without your consent. You will love every part of yourself, and from that love, you will learn to love others.

But seriously little Serena, you were never ugly! Just because people made you feel that way does not make it true. Don’t take everything and everyone so seriously. Also you’ll be naked a lot in your older life so chill out with the body issues. It’s all. In. Your. Head.

Who else wishes they could go back and tell themselves a simple message like this? I tell my inner child this all the time. When those seeds of doubt and comparison creep in, return to yourself, you source. It does not have to be hard. You don't need tapping and journaling and pure diets and meditation. Acknowledge the thoughts with compassion, then remind yourself feelings don't make it true. Just because someone said something or made you feel a certain way does not make it so. Fuck them all.

Then go take all the naked photos of yourself that you want.

Finding my home with travel

My story on loneliness, travel, and finding my true home

In 2021 I packed up my car and drove across the country for 6 months.

It was an adventure, yes. But it was also something more. I was searching, looking for somewhere I belonged. I was looking for my home.

I knew I wanted to connect to my intuition, be so deeply connected to myself that I trusted myself and my decisions fully. For that to happen, I had to separate myself from everything. I removed all the outside noise and opinions from experts, friends, Co-workers, etc. I let go of any spiritual teacher and coach that I hired and declined outside advice from everyone.

I had to do this trip for me, without hearing anyone else’s opinion about it.

Throughout my trip I was forced to be alone with my thoughts that ran rampant on my 8-12 hour drives across the country. I had already done so much healing from my childhood. So much trauma recovery, spiritual work, grief, and shame. I found myself in a loop of constantly needing more healing, and more healing, rather than progressing forward and getting to the next step in my life.

I knew that I already had the answers within me. I just needed to find where they were hidden. Without all the outside lectures and opinions from everyone else.

During this time I was also going through an extremely difficult dissolution of a relationship. I was depressed, crying every day. As I packed my car and drove out of Texas, I allowed myself to cry for hours in the car. I let myself feel all the pain, anger, frustration, vulnerability, and grief I carried from this experience.

There was so much I was holding onto I needed to let go of.

The more I let go of these emotions, the more I realized how much I still held onto. Not just from my recent relationship, but my childhood. So many things I STILL hadn’t allowed myself to feel sad over.

Because I let out all the emotions and felt them fully, I moved through the painful feelings and got to the other side. What I found there was immense joy, delight, pleasure, excitement, happiness, peace… for the first time I felt truly alive. I had collected all the lost pieces of myself, gathered them together, and built myself back up. A human being who can experience all life has to offer. Joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain…and so much more.

This release of emotions allowed me to fully trust myself to make the right decisions every step of the way. Alone out in nature, with no one but my car and my dog, I felt completely connected to me. And in turn, I connected with my intuition and my guides.

My process started off by asking for signs from the universe. “Should I drive a certain way? Should I stop here? Should I detour there?” The Universe would show me.

My sign from the universe to show me the way was a hawk, wherever I was. I’d often see them flying above and very closely over my head. I took it as a sign early on in Texas that these birds were here to guide me. When I needed a clear sign of what to do, a hawk would show me the way. If the answer was yes, a hawk appeared. If no, then no hawk would come.

 And so, they did. Everywhere, even where hawks normally didn’t live.  A hawk flew next to me as I drove, or landed near me. It was up in a tree, on a telephone pole, everywhere. These signs allowed me to trust the Universe was protecting and guiding me. People I encountered mentioned “Oh, is that a hawk there? Funny, they’re usually not in this area.” Well, that’s because it was my hawk. And it was there to give me a sign.

Eventually, I became so connected to my intuition that I didn’t need to ask for a sign. I just needed to check in for an answer. “Should pull into a campground instead of pushing through a drive at 2 AM?” Yes. Immediately yes. And a campground appeared. “Should I veer off the road to go to some random sight instead of continuing my planned drive.?” Yes. Go. So I did.

Each time I followed my intuition, I was blessed with incredible sights and experiences I never would have imagined or been privy to had I pushed through with my own plans. I was also protected from scenarios that could have put me in danger. Like camping in a remote area alone, surrounded by drunken men (read my blog post about it here)

Taking it slow and checking in was always the better option. Once I stopped in the middle of the night at a campground to sleep, then woke up to find I was surrounded by a beautiful forest of pine trees and a crystal clear lake I had no idea existed. This was a perfectly hidden campground I would’ve totally missed had I kept driving by. 

Another time I left what was arguably a perfect campsite because I didn’t feel safe, only to find an even better campsite with a private lake I could swim naked in. There were many instances of listening to my intuition to pull over to the side of the road for no reason, and then greeted with a brand new adventure, hidden away from my planned route.

I also connected with many people along my 6 month journey. Those in line getting coffee, people at wineries who welcomed me into their homes, Motel owners who knocked on my door and offered to cook a meal for me, people who brought me food because they were curious why I was alone and made me feel welcome. 

I felt more at ease and more connected to myself, my intuition, and my spirituality on the road than I ever had with any coach or spiritual teacher.

When I came back from my trip to Austin, I still did not understand the full gravity of what I had learned and experienced on my travels. I was frustrated because none of the places I traveled to in the USA jumped out at me as a place I wanted to live. I didn’t find my “home.” I was looking for that physical place, that “AHA” moment that “Yes, this was where I will stay” feeling.

I started attending meetup groups in Austin and forced myself to be part of a community that I really was not meant to be in and, one I did not truly enjoy. Of course, this led me to more frustration. I was forcing myself to settle in Austin but I couldn’t, because Austin wasn’t it.

Finally, I surrendered my plans. I stopped forcing that perfect community and physical home on me. When I did, I realized I was going about it all the wrong way. I set out to find my home externally, but what I found is that the home was within myself, I just lost it along the way.

My home was not here, at some physical place or group that invited me in. I was already home. Here, with myself. I thought for the whole year of traveling and the year after, that I was alone. Perhaps there was something wrong with me because I didn’t put myself out there enough or I didn’t network. But that was my problem. Just like my healing journey, I thought I had to keep doing MORE. When all I needed to do was ALLOW.

I was never alone in the first place. I was my community, I was the peace I was looking for. Walking in the desert in the middle of the night, completely alone, me and nature, that’s when I felt at peace. Surrounded by The Perfect. The perfection of nature guided me back to myself, back to my human perfection.

After I let go of the idea of how a community should be, that’s why I found my community. It was not in one place or city. My community was all over the world. Fellow travelers like me, the people who cannot stay in one place, who consider the world their home. This was the community I belonged to. It just didn’t look like the other communities I saw.

I already built my own community, I just didn’t know. I made friends in different countries, friends from my travels across the USA, and new friends in Austin, from all over. I built my network all over the place, in every part of the world, from different cultures, beliefs, outlooks, and experiences…exactly how I am.

My community is spread out like me, not in one place. It was already there, just not in the way I thought it would be.

Once I let go and surrendered to being alone, that’s when I realized I wasn’t.

I was already at home. Home was within me, I just needed to connect to myself, to my inner voice, without all the distractions from the outside world.

So how am I doing now? I’m doing great. Because I’m not alone. I’ve got me, and my worldwide community. When I want companionship, I look to my international, worldwide community and network of friends to see who is available to connect. And when I’m done, I always come back home to me.

How to find the beauty in taking risks

The amount of people that still think I'm traveling with a dude, or someone that is secretly taking my photos, or that I'm only in places where I have friends/know others is hilarious.

Sure, there are times I'm unsure of where to stay. I have to be careful as a solo female traveler, but it doesn't deter me from getting out and exploring the world.

Last year when I heard about the murder of Gabi Petito on SM, I was camped in the desert in the above photo. The thought crossed my mind that maybe I should move. Maybe I wasn’t safe. Maybe there was a serial killer in this desert. Ridiculous thoughts I would've never considered had I not known about it the murder beforehand.

Then I remembered that this girl’s situation had nothing to do with mine. her story is not mine, her life is not mine, her circumstances are not mine. So why was I afraid? I chose in that moment to stay in the spot I was, and I would have missed the incredible sights and adventures the next day if I chickened out and left to a "safer" spot.

We've been so programmed as females in society to stay in one place, not explore or go out on our own. That everything is dangerous and out to kill us. That we're not safe without a man.

Sure, there are risks. But we risk our lives everyday driving in our car to go to the store. If I had listened to everyone who told me to stay home the past 2 years, I would still be in the same Austin apartment I lived in for ten years. I would've never gone to Asia, driven across the U.S, stayed in cabins in remote areas & seen friends around the country.

Even now as I prepare for my next trip, people are asking if I know anyone there or if I'm going to see someone. No, I don't know anyone in that country, and most of the time I don’t speak the language of that country either. I just go and learn on the fly. that’s the beauty of traveling. That’s the beauty of freedom and the beauty of taking risks.

Stop letting all the fear mongering on the news affect you. Stop letting other's fears affect you. Turn off the TV. For real. Just stop watching the news. You will see how little it really affects you when you step away from the brainwashing and just live your life. Yes, there will always be others suffering. But how do you expect to help them when you won't even help yourself? Put yourself first. There is no shame in it.

Then get outside and go do something you've always wanted to but have been too scared to. 💚💜💙

Every decade is our prime decade

There is no time when life suddenly starts ending or getting worse. Life is only what you make it.

With incredible sights like these, it's hard not to find an immense amount of gratitude for life, for this beautiful world, my health, my healing, my happiness and how far I've come on this journey we call life.

Life does not end, slow down or lessen because you reach some arbitrary age. We are not “passed our prime” after 40, or 50, or whatever society tells you. Every year is our prime. Every decade is a chapter in a long story called life. So make it count.

This is only the beginning.

Don't let others get in the way of your plans

Reminiscing on my accidental 8 hour hike in the Idaho mountains in nothing but a bikini and shorts

Recently I was thinking back on a time in 2021 that I accidentally went on an 8 hour round trip hike specifically to swim in a glacier lake at the top of the Sawtooth Mountains.

This hike itself was not an accident, I fully intended to go. It was however, totally last minute and I climbed the 4 hours up in nothing but my tennis shoes, a bikini and a water bottle. Needless to say, I passed many a concerned hiker with all their gear, telling me it's a 4 hour trek up and 4 hours back down and I wasn't dressed appropriately, lol. But I was not deterred.

Sometimes the best experiences are the ones least planned. I was lounging in a hot spring thinking how I'm totally gonna regret this visit to Idaho if I didn't go find and swim in that lake. So I picked up and left.

While yes, hiking one way for 4 hours was not my plan (I initially thought it was a 4 hour TOTAL hike, not 4 hours one way) and I probably would have prepared more, turns out it really wasn’t necessary. The water bottle I had was enough. It was September in Idaho so not hot at all.

Turns out this became one of my favorite days in Idaho. Not only because of the insane beauty 10,000 feet up, but because of the random people I met along the way (many kind and concerned souls, and also another lone hiker on the way down!) and the incredible sights I saw.

I was literally the only person there. There were two lakes, and everyone was headed to the bigger, grandiose one. which means the small lake was completely empty and literally the most peaceful place I had been to on my trip. Not to mention the glacier water was crystal clear, as you could see the ice from the mountaintops melting in the water below. So I was able to get fresh, pure, glacier water to fill up my depleted water bottle.

People always tell you you can’t do things. They’ll say it’s too dangerous or it’s too risky. "You don't have the right shoes, what about a bear, you'll run out of water, you have a small dog, you'll get ticks," blah blah blah. I don’t listen to them. If I want to do something and it feels good to me, I do it. And those experiences always end up being the best ones.

Do not let other people’s fear deter you from doing what you want. If I had let anyone’s fear of my solo trip around the USA affect me, I would have never left! Instead, it became one of the most incredible 6 months of my life. Thank others for their concern, then move with your life.

See below for more pictures of my solo hike and to see photos of me in my hiking gear 😂

Do I stay or do I go?

How to deal with the post travel blues

When I got back from my 6 month trip around the USA, I found myself in strange space mentally. Overall it was an incredible trip, but towards the end, I also felt incredibly lonely. I ended up making a detour in California to visit family because I longed for the connection and comfort of familiar faces.

When I got back to Texas, I felt torn. At times I longed for the solitude, stillness and peace of nature, yet other times I was so glad to be back around my friends and family, as six months on the road was a long time for me to be away by myself.

During my time of transition I focused on slowing down, tried to be more in the moment, and enjoy my downtime and the simple things in life. I focused on connected with my family and friends, and getting back to the simple things in life I missed on the road like going to the gym, sitting in the sauna, or cooking a fancy meal.

I also focused on movement. Whether that was exercising, dancing, taking a walk, running, yoga, swimming, or anything in between. Movement helped clear those feeling of sadness and “what’s next”, and allowed me to slow down and enjoy my life in the present more.

There are all kinds of things we can do for the post travel blues, but for me, taking it day by day, getting back to the simple things that bring you joy in your life, and moving your body was so key for me. I needed to get back to cooking healthy meals for myself every day. I needed to keep moving my body and walking and hiking just like I did every day on my trip for 6 months. I needed to sit in the sauna and do cold plunges to shock my body just like I did on my trip swimming in glacier lakes. All this and more helped me get over my travel blues and back to a state of being happy in the present.

I don’t know what the future holds for me. I have no idea where I’ll be living in a couple months or what I’ll be doing. All I know is that this is the life I wanted, with the freedom to be able to get up and go whenever I feel like and choose my destination whenever I want. It definitely isn’t easy, but it’s exciting to know that this is the exact life I wanted for myself. Now I just need to trust that everything will work out exactly as it's meant to.

Until then, I remain in Texas, happy in the warmth of its winters, close to all that is familiar and everyone I hold dear.