Finding my home with travel

My story on loneliness, travel, and finding my true home

In 2021 I packed up my car and drove across the country for 6 months.

It was an adventure, yes. But it was also something more. I was searching, looking for somewhere I belonged. I was looking for my home.

I knew I wanted to connect to my intuition, be so deeply connected to myself that I trusted myself and my decisions fully. For that to happen, I had to separate myself from everything. I removed all the outside noise and opinions from experts, friends, Co-workers, etc. I let go of any spiritual teacher and coach that I hired and declined outside advice from everyone.

I had to do this trip for me, without hearing anyone else’s opinion about it.

Throughout my trip I was forced to be alone with my thoughts that ran rampant on my 8-12 hour drives across the country. I had already done so much healing from my childhood. So much trauma recovery, spiritual work, grief, and shame. I found myself in a loop of constantly needing more healing, and more healing, rather than progressing forward and getting to the next step in my life.

I knew that I already had the answers within me. I just needed to find where they were hidden. Without all the outside lectures and opinions from everyone else.

During this time I was also going through an extremely difficult dissolution of a relationship. I was depressed, crying every day. As I packed my car and drove out of Texas, I allowed myself to cry for hours in the car. I let myself feel all the pain, anger, frustration, vulnerability, and grief I carried from this experience.

There was so much I was holding onto I needed to let go of.

The more I let go of these emotions, the more I realized how much I still held onto. Not just from my recent relationship, but my childhood. So many things I STILL hadn’t allowed myself to feel sad over.

Because I let out all the emotions and felt them fully, I moved through the painful feelings and got to the other side. What I found there was immense joy, delight, pleasure, excitement, happiness, peace… for the first time I felt truly alive. I had collected all the lost pieces of myself, gathered them together, and built myself back up. A human being who can experience all life has to offer. Joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain…and so much more.

This release of emotions allowed me to fully trust myself to make the right decisions every step of the way. Alone out in nature, with no one but my car and my dog, I felt completely connected to me. And in turn, I connected with my intuition and my guides.

My process started off by asking for signs from the universe. “Should I drive a certain way? Should I stop here? Should I detour there?” The Universe would show me.

My sign from the universe to show me the way was a hawk, wherever I was. I’d often see them flying above and very closely over my head. I took it as a sign early on in Texas that these birds were here to guide me. When I needed a clear sign of what to do, a hawk would show me the way. If the answer was yes, a hawk appeared. If no, then no hawk would come.

 And so, they did. Everywhere, even where hawks normally didn’t live.  A hawk flew next to me as I drove, or landed near me. It was up in a tree, on a telephone pole, everywhere. These signs allowed me to trust the Universe was protecting and guiding me. People I encountered mentioned “Oh, is that a hawk there? Funny, they’re usually not in this area.” Well, that’s because it was my hawk. And it was there to give me a sign.

Eventually, I became so connected to my intuition that I didn’t need to ask for a sign. I just needed to check in for an answer. “Should pull into a campground instead of pushing through a drive at 2 AM?” Yes. Immediately yes. And a campground appeared. “Should I veer off the road to go to some random sight instead of continuing my planned drive.?” Yes. Go. So I did.

Each time I followed my intuition, I was blessed with incredible sights and experiences I never would have imagined or been privy to had I pushed through with my own plans. I was also protected from scenarios that could have put me in danger. Like camping in a remote area alone, surrounded by drunken men (read my blog post about it here)

Taking it slow and checking in was always the better option. Once I stopped in the middle of the night at a campground to sleep, then woke up to find I was surrounded by a beautiful forest of pine trees and a crystal clear lake I had no idea existed. This was a perfectly hidden campground I would’ve totally missed had I kept driving by. 

Another time I left what was arguably a perfect campsite because I didn’t feel safe, only to find an even better campsite with a private lake I could swim naked in. There were many instances of listening to my intuition to pull over to the side of the road for no reason, and then greeted with a brand new adventure, hidden away from my planned route.

I also connected with many people along my 6 month journey. Those in line getting coffee, people at wineries who welcomed me into their homes, Motel owners who knocked on my door and offered to cook a meal for me, people who brought me food because they were curious why I was alone and made me feel welcome. 

I felt more at ease and more connected to myself, my intuition, and my spirituality on the road than I ever had with any coach or spiritual teacher.

When I came back from my trip to Austin, I still did not understand the full gravity of what I had learned and experienced on my travels. I was frustrated because none of the places I traveled to in the USA jumped out at me as a place I wanted to live. I didn’t find my “home.” I was looking for that physical place, that “AHA” moment that “Yes, this was where I will stay” feeling.

I started attending meetup groups in Austin and forced myself to be part of a community that I really was not meant to be in and, one I did not truly enjoy. Of course, this led me to more frustration. I was forcing myself to settle in Austin but I couldn’t, because Austin wasn’t it.

Finally, I surrendered my plans. I stopped forcing that perfect community and physical home on me. When I did, I realized I was going about it all the wrong way. I set out to find my home externally, but what I found is that the home was within myself, I just lost it along the way.

My home was not here, at some physical place or group that invited me in. I was already home. Here, with myself. I thought for the whole year of traveling and the year after, that I was alone. Perhaps there was something wrong with me because I didn’t put myself out there enough or I didn’t network. But that was my problem. Just like my healing journey, I thought I had to keep doing MORE. When all I needed to do was ALLOW.

I was never alone in the first place. I was my community, I was the peace I was looking for. Walking in the desert in the middle of the night, completely alone, me and nature, that’s when I felt at peace. Surrounded by The Perfect. The perfection of nature guided me back to myself, back to my human perfection.

After I let go of the idea of how a community should be, that’s why I found my community. It was not in one place or city. My community was all over the world. Fellow travelers like me, the people who cannot stay in one place, who consider the world their home. This was the community I belonged to. It just didn’t look like the other communities I saw.

I already built my own community, I just didn’t know. I made friends in different countries, friends from my travels across the USA, and new friends in Austin, from all over. I built my network all over the place, in every part of the world, from different cultures, beliefs, outlooks, and experiences…exactly how I am.

My community is spread out like me, not in one place. It was already there, just not in the way I thought it would be.

Once I let go and surrendered to being alone, that’s when I realized I wasn’t.

I was already at home. Home was within me, I just needed to connect to myself, to my inner voice, without all the distractions from the outside world.

So how am I doing now? I’m doing great. Because I’m not alone. I’ve got me, and my worldwide community. When I want companionship, I look to my international, worldwide community and network of friends to see who is available to connect. And when I’m done, I always come back home to me.

The sacred site of Big Horn Medicine Wheel

My experience visiting one of the most sacred sites in the USA

On my last day in Wyoming was I able to visit the Big Horn Medicine wheel, an ancient Native American spiritual site where tribal ceremonial activity continues to this day. In fact, when I arrived a Sundance was going on at the site, so us non-Native Americans waited respectfully at the bottom of the hill until the ceremony was complete.

The Medicine Wheel has been a National Historic Landmark since 1970 due to its unique scientific research values. It's surrounded by 4,080 protected acres, used only for Native American cultures and practices.

The Bighorn Medicine Wheel is one of the largest and best preserved on the northern and northwestern Plains. It was the first medicine wheel to be mentioned in popular literature and the first to be studied by the professional scientific community.

Archeologists generally believe that the Medicine Wheel is a late prehistoric composite feature. A wood sample from one of the cairns at the site was dated to approximately 1760 A.D. by means of tree-ring dating. There are bone fragments, jewelry and fabric that have been left there over the centuries.

When I entered the site I was immediately overcome by the sacred space and the incredible ancestry and spirits that inhabited the land. Many leaders of various Native American tribes go there to pay to their respects to their ancestors, work with energy and connect to the earth. I definitely felt that being there.

I also met a man there who had traveled from across the country to bring gifts to the site from other Native American tribes that could not make the journey. It was incredible to know that while this Medicine Wheel may not be known to everyone, it certainly is throughout the tribes, and I’m so glad it’s preserved as a sacred space for those whose families have roamed the land so much longer than any of us.

It was an incredible honor to visit this sacred place and pay my respects to the spirits of this land, the people and culture whose lives were forever altered when the Pilgrims set foot here.

Horse Therapy...It works!

My time staying At a horse farm in Alabama

My whole life I’ve been connected to horses.

In Brazil we lived next to multiple horse farms and would go riding all the time. I grew up around them, cheered when the babies born and cried for days when others died in floods and landslides. We rode them in the mountains, by lakes, rivers, and on beaches. I named the horses I grew close to and kept snippets of their hair with me.

As I got older and the responsibilities of adulthood took over, I grew separate from them. I lived in cities, replacing horse riding with college, coffee shops and wine bars. Still though, the yearning feeling of wanting to ride a horse on the beach again, feeling free with the wind in my hair and sensation of flying lingered in my mind.

Now, on this trip throughout the USA, I was able to start my journey at a beautiful horse ranch in Alabama. I watched them run through the fields every day, took work breaks to walk around the grounds and sit in the grass with them, and rode them in the afternoons.

This experience made me realize that I am still deeply connected to these magnificent animals. Horses make me calm, make me cry, help me through emotional ups and downs in my life and teach me things I wouldn’t have learned otherwise. They are one of my power animals and my guides. I will forever love and be in constant awe of them.

I’m so grateful for this time I get to spend at a horse ranch in Alabama, just me, the horses and nature. There's a reason horses are used as therapy and for healing deep wounds. This year I’ve battled some of my darkest demons and also experienced some of my highest highs. But I would not have been able to do any of it if it weren’t for these animals around me.

How to take your power back

Grieve your losses, close the chapters in your life that no longer serve you, and get ready to MOVE ON.

So many times we're afraid to take the next step. We talk ourselves out of it and keep doing the same things, stuck in the same cycle, learning the same lessons, over and over and over again.

But not this time. Today is the day to let go of the resistance of letting go. Start saying no, step into your power, and let the people who no longer serve you in life fall away. Stop playing small, stop agreeing just to agree and pretending you are interested when you're not. Stop the fake smiling. Be angry. Be direct, be unapologetic.

You need to stand your ground before you can proceed forward. This is your ultimate test. Leave behind what no longer serves you, and go on your own path.

But grieve it. Grieve the lost relationships that may never be again. In doing so, know that you're making progress on both sides. It's a gift both to you and the ones you left along the way. You can't get to the next level if you're holding each other back.

The thing is, you're already at the next level. The door is open. All you need to do is walk through and keep walking. You have all the tools you need, you just need to act.

Take your power back. Sing. Say no. Have boundaries and be selfish. Do all the things you're scared to do. Say all the things you're scared to say. The only one holding you back is you.