My story on loneliness, travel, and finding my true home
In 2021 I packed up my car and drove across the country for 6 months.
It was an adventure, yes. But it was also something more. I was searching, looking for somewhere I belonged. I was looking for my home.
I knew I wanted to connect to my intuition, be so deeply connected to myself that I trusted myself and my decisions fully. For that to happen, I had to separate myself from everything. I removed all the outside noise and opinions from experts, friends, Co-workers, etc. I let go of any spiritual teacher and coach that I hired and declined outside advice from everyone.
I had to do this trip for me, without hearing anyone else’s opinion about it.
Throughout my trip I was forced to be alone with my thoughts that ran rampant on my 8-12 hour drives across the country. I had already done so much healing from my childhood. So much trauma recovery, spiritual work, grief, and shame. I found myself in a loop of constantly needing more healing, and more healing, rather than progressing forward and getting to the next step in my life.
I knew that I already had the answers within me. I just needed to find where they were hidden. Without all the outside lectures and opinions from everyone else.
During this time I was also going through an extremely difficult dissolution of a relationship. I was depressed, crying every day. As I packed my car and drove out of Texas, I allowed myself to cry for hours in the car. I let myself feel all the pain, anger, frustration, vulnerability, and grief I carried from this experience.
There was so much I was holding onto I needed to let go of.
The more I let go of these emotions, the more I realized how much I still held onto. Not just from my recent relationship, but my childhood. So many things I STILL hadn’t allowed myself to feel sad over.
Because I let out all the emotions and felt them fully, I moved through the painful feelings and got to the other side. What I found there was immense joy, delight, pleasure, excitement, happiness, peace… for the first time I felt truly alive. I had collected all the lost pieces of myself, gathered them together, and built myself back up. A human being who can experience all life has to offer. Joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain…and so much more.
This release of emotions allowed me to fully trust myself to make the right decisions every step of the way. Alone out in nature, with no one but my car and my dog, I felt completely connected to me. And in turn, I connected with my intuition and my guides.
My process started off by asking for signs from the universe. “Should I drive a certain way? Should I stop here? Should I detour there?” The Universe would show me.
My sign from the universe to show me the way was a hawk, wherever I was. I’d often see them flying above and very closely over my head. I took it as a sign early on in Texas that these birds were here to guide me. When I needed a clear sign of what to do, a hawk would show me the way. If the answer was yes, a hawk appeared. If no, then no hawk would come.
And so, they did. Everywhere, even where hawks normally didn’t live. A hawk flew next to me as I drove, or landed near me. It was up in a tree, on a telephone pole, everywhere. These signs allowed me to trust the Universe was protecting and guiding me. People I encountered mentioned “Oh, is that a hawk there? Funny, they’re usually not in this area.” Well, that’s because it was my hawk. And it was there to give me a sign.
Eventually, I became so connected to my intuition that I didn’t need to ask for a sign. I just needed to check in for an answer. “Should pull into a campground instead of pushing through a drive at 2 AM?” Yes. Immediately yes. And a campground appeared. “Should I veer off the road to go to some random sight instead of continuing my planned drive.?” Yes. Go. So I did.
Each time I followed my intuition, I was blessed with incredible sights and experiences I never would have imagined or been privy to had I pushed through with my own plans. I was also protected from scenarios that could have put me in danger. Like camping in a remote area alone, surrounded by drunken men (read my blog post about it here)
Taking it slow and checking in was always the better option. Once I stopped in the middle of the night at a campground to sleep, then woke up to find I was surrounded by a beautiful forest of pine trees and a crystal clear lake I had no idea existed. This was a perfectly hidden campground I would’ve totally missed had I kept driving by.
Another time I left what was arguably a perfect campsite because I didn’t feel safe, only to find an even better campsite with a private lake I could swim naked in. There were many instances of listening to my intuition to pull over to the side of the road for no reason, and then greeted with a brand new adventure, hidden away from my planned route.
I also connected with many people along my 6 month journey. Those in line getting coffee, people at wineries who welcomed me into their homes, Motel owners who knocked on my door and offered to cook a meal for me, people who brought me food because they were curious why I was alone and made me feel welcome.
I felt more at ease and more connected to myself, my intuition, and my spirituality on the road than I ever had with any coach or spiritual teacher.
When I came back from my trip to Austin, I still did not understand the full gravity of what I had learned and experienced on my travels. I was frustrated because none of the places I traveled to in the USA jumped out at me as a place I wanted to live. I didn’t find my “home.” I was looking for that physical place, that “AHA” moment that “Yes, this was where I will stay” feeling.
I started attending meetup groups in Austin and forced myself to be part of a community that I really was not meant to be in and, one I did not truly enjoy. Of course, this led me to more frustration. I was forcing myself to settle in Austin but I couldn’t, because Austin wasn’t it.
Finally, I surrendered my plans. I stopped forcing that perfect community and physical home on me. When I did, I realized I was going about it all the wrong way. I set out to find my home externally, but what I found is that the home was within myself, I just lost it along the way.
My home was not here, at some physical place or group that invited me in. I was already home. Here, with myself. I thought for the whole year of traveling and the year after, that I was alone. Perhaps there was something wrong with me because I didn’t put myself out there enough or I didn’t network. But that was my problem. Just like my healing journey, I thought I had to keep doing MORE. When all I needed to do was ALLOW.
I was never alone in the first place. I was my community, I was the peace I was looking for. Walking in the desert in the middle of the night, completely alone, me and nature, that’s when I felt at peace. Surrounded by The Perfect. The perfection of nature guided me back to myself, back to my human perfection.
After I let go of the idea of how a community should be, that’s why I found my community. It was not in one place or city. My community was all over the world. Fellow travelers like me, the people who cannot stay in one place, who consider the world their home. This was the community I belonged to. It just didn’t look like the other communities I saw.
I already built my own community, I just didn’t know. I made friends in different countries, friends from my travels across the USA, and new friends in Austin, from all over. I built my network all over the place, in every part of the world, from different cultures, beliefs, outlooks, and experiences…exactly how I am.
My community is spread out like me, not in one place. It was already there, just not in the way I thought it would be.
Once I let go and surrendered to being alone, that’s when I realized I wasn’t.
I was already at home. Home was within me, I just needed to connect to myself, to my inner voice, without all the distractions from the outside world.
So how am I doing now? I’m doing great. Because I’m not alone. I’ve got me, and my worldwide community. When I want companionship, I look to my international, worldwide community and network of friends to see who is available to connect. And when I’m done, I always come back home to me.