I was going through photos of myself when I found this one and went to delete it. I disliked this photo for several reasons:
1. Bad angle, makes my arms look fat and my boobs look small
2. Hair looks thin and scraggly
3. You can see my crooked teeth, a huge source of shame growing up
4. Wrinkles
I immediately noticed the insane negative self criticism and decided to take a good look at the photo until I got comfortable with it, and then posted it.
Growing up around women in Brazil with long hair, big boobs and lips, I was constantly bullied for my looks. I was tall, skinny and awkward. Kids would pull out chairs from under me and laugh when I fell, saying it was such a long way down for me to go. They’d tell me “You’re so skinny you can stand sideways behind a broomstick and disappear.”
When I went to my first teen camp in the cult at 16, everyone knew who I was & I thought people wanted to be my friends. At the end of the camp we all received T-shirts and signed our names on everyone's. Some of the girls I thought were my friends wrote things on the back of my shirt like: “Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?”
Of course I laughed this all off but deep down I was so hurt. I wasn’t like the others, I didn’t have big boobs and long hair. Guys didn’t look at me like they did my friends, so I decided I would be a tomboy and just be friends with all the boys instead. I hid my body and swam with t-shirts so no one would see my chest.
It took me over a decade of eating disorders, drugs, and body dysmorphia to finally get to a point where I stopped the self destruction and decided to treat my body as something sacred vs something despicable. Even so, I still have these thoughts.
I don’t want to look like everyone else. I don’t want to cut up my body and put things in it to change the outside when I feel awful on the inside. The best I can do is continue using this time to uncover those hidden thoughts about myself in order to grow, be stronger and (obvi) keep being the badass faerie dragon queen I am. I'm much happier that way anyway 👑🧚🏻♂️🐉
