Recently I took a 10 day social media break and used the time doing something I’ve been putting off: going through absolutely horrendous instances in my childhood that children should never have to experience. I allowed myself to feel mad, horrified, gross, sad, and ashamed. Feelings I try to avoid in my everyday life by telling myself it wasn’t that bad.

It’s insane to me how many of us who grew up in cults still downplay our experiences. It’s usually a “well so and so had it worse”, or “I don’t remember anything really bad” excuse. Refusing to honor our experiences completely holds you back from healing, moving forward and evolving.

Your story matters, your experiences matter and no, it was not normal. Nothing about growing up in a cult was ok. I was systematically abused on a daily basis then made to think it was my fault, and I carried that fucked up brainwashed belief into adulthood. I thought I was ok because if it was really bad I’d be way worse off, right? Wrong.

Do not gaslight yourself into believing you’re ok simply because you’re carrying your pain on the inside and not the outside. Just because your pain doesn’t look like someone else’s, doesn’t mean that your life was easy. I wish I could tell every cult survivor that yes, your pain matters and your experiences matter. But you cannot heal something you deny is there. 💚

The quickest way out is through it. Going back through those memories allows me to heal my relationship to those events, take my power back and give myself permission to be mad at my parents, caretakers, and everyone else who failed me.

It’s not the easy way but it’s the only way to get to where I want to go. I’m not ok being stuck repeating the same patterns over and over again. I’m not ok not changing. I’ve come this far and there’s no way I’m going back to the person I used to be.

I’m not downplaying my experiences any longer simply because it makes other people feel more comfortable. I’m using this time for some deep healing I’ve been trying to avoid for a while, and I’m going to make it out the other side. The time is now and I’m all in.