Rather than the Oxford English Dictionary, I used Brené Brown’s definition of shame, which is a clear explanation that rings true for all of us.
Brené says she believes there is a profound difference between shame and guilt. Guilt can be adaptive and helpful, like holding something we’ve failed in up against our values by feeling psychological discomfort.
Shame on the other hand, is tied to something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do that makes us believe we’re unworthy of connection.
Shame is huge for trauma survivors, in particular those who have suffered abuse. Many times the perpetrator gaslights us to believe we brought the abuse on ourselves, or that we even wanted or enjoyed it. Over time this creates a huge sense of cognitive dissonance as we feel one thing, but are made to believe another.
Shame is one of the biggest issues I've had to work on, both with myself and my clients. It's easy to pretend we don't suffer from shame as many times we don't even understand what it is.
When you understand how shame affects your life through your emotions, actions, beliefs, habits and relationships, you realize how much shame controls your life.
When I lived in shame I felt I was bad because of my past. I lived with a subconscious sense of disgrace, chronic self-reproach and personal failure, all stemming from my childhood.
To heal shame I first had to understand how it sabotaged my life, held me back from reaching any goal and stuck in the mentality that I wasn't worthy of love, respect, and connection. This manifested in my sub-par relationships, lying about my life and denying to look at some really hard truths about my childhood.
The first time I felt no shame, I knew it was something I never felt before. You will know when you're shame free because you'll feel different, just like you feel something is off when stuck in a shame cycle.
I still have feelings of shame and I always will. But now I can recognize the old shame feeling, acknowledge it, be like "oh, it's you again" then move on from it. Being aware, acknowledging it, noticing how it feels through your body then moving on has been the quickest way to get out of a shame spiral.