Have I become my mother?

Healing the relationship with my mother in order to heal the relationship with myself

I had a dream recently that I became my mother. It jolted me awake so suddenly because I was so horrified by the notion. The fact the dream had such a big impact on me means on some level I believe it to be true.

Before I forgave my mother, my worst fear was becoming her. And the more I fought and judged her, the more I became her. The things I run away from and deny are always the things I need to deal with most. Forgiving my mother will always be in the forefront of my mind when I start seeing patterns repeat itself.

Can I become my mother? Sure, if I choose to. There are days I feel like I'm just like her. I certainly look like her.

But I’m not my mother. I’m not following the same path. I’ve broken the cycle of trauma and hurt and chose to go my own way. Most of all, I’ve chosen to forgive her. Because holding resentments against her no longer serve me. It allows me to cut the negative cord that’s connected me to her for so long, it allows her to show up differently in my life, without the negative stories attached.

The things you haven’t forgiven will continuously show up in your life, again, and again, and again, forcing you to look at them. You can either ask yourself the question “what needs to be forgiven in order for this to go away?” Or you can just keep pushing through, holding onto resentments that do not serve you.

Before I forgave my mother, I did EVERYTHING I could NOT to be her. But that gets exhausting. And you usually end up becoming exactly who you are trying not to be. I am an extension of my mother. Not only is she my mother, but she’s an extension of me, because we’re all connected.

The below poem has always helped me to acknowledge what parts of my mother I have, what parts to learn from, and what parts I can choose not to be.

“You do not have to be your mother unless she is who you want to be.
You do not have to be your mother's mother, or your mother's mother's mother, or even your grandmother's mother on your father's side.
You may inherit their chins or their hips or their eyes, but you are not destined to become the women who came before you. You are not destined to live their lives.
So if you inherit something, inherit their strength, their resilience. Because the only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.”

— Pam Finger

How I transform pain into power

The worst moments of our life are often the most transformational. 💖💕

I recently did a Tony Robbins course and charted out three main breakthrough moments in my life.

A breakthrough is moment in time when everything changes and the impossible becomes possible. It's usually triggered when you reach a threshold of pain where you simply cannot continue as usual and must make a change, both physically & mentally.

What can trigger a breakthrough?
Anything. A conversation, A book, a change in emotion, a belief, a mentor, coach, health issues.

This exercise showed that most of the time breakthroughs come through hardship by turning our greatest pain into our greatest strength.

A couple breakthroughs in my life that I struggled for a long time was eating disorders and relationship to food, fear of what would happen if I talked about my past, living in shame, unhealed trauma, and grief.

What triggered the change in all three of these things was my hair falling out and deciding things had to change. What helped make the needed changes in my life was hiring my own coach, reading a ton of self help, going down a spiritual path, plant medicine, therapy and changing my surroundings.

This journaling exercise made me realize that one of my greatest pains and source of shame (Hair falling out) was also the catalyst to some major growth. I would never had made some of these changes if it wasn't for my hair, and I wouldn't have made the connection if I didn't do this exercise.

Try this on yourself by asking the following questions and name the top three greatest breakthrough moments in your life.

1. What made the change possible?
2. What triggered the change in that moment?

The answers may surprise you!

The importance of grief in all aspects of life

One of the greatest tools I've learned to embrace and what I tell my clients all the time, is the importance of grief. For hundreds of years we've been taught as children that our emotions are bad, wrong and we need to always hide them.

Growing up in a cult the only emotions I was allowed to have was happiness, compliance, and supportiveness. Anything else I would be punished for. I was taught to hide my grief, shame, and anger from myself and everyone else. For years after though, I continued to live in this cycle, pushing away my sorrow and powering through.

There were so many times as a child that I needed space to grieve. Whether it was the loss of stability when I moved communes each year or the toys I was forced to leave behind that gave me the only comfort available in a highly abusive environment. And of course, the loss of my innocence as a child when I was repeatedly abused sexually, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I needed to grieve all of these things and so much more, but I was never given the space or the opportunity.

I am now making time to grieve these and so many other experiences in my childhood that I need to honor. When need to make time to grieve traumatic experiences in our life, or they stay stuck inside our bodies, manifesting as inexplicable illness, triggering outbursts or making our way through the world completely numb to life.

I'm using this time in the country to grieve for the countless horrendous things I experienced as a child. Rather than doing an overall grieving process for my childhood as I've already done, this time I'm going through each horrifying moment and truly honoring the experience. Then I honor the grief, however it comes.

If there are things you've buried in your past that you've never honored, or if there are things you're still holding onto and you want to learn more about grief, send me a message or get on my newsletter list at the link on my website! Grief is for ALL types of loss, ALL types of events, and ALL types of circumstances! You need to grieve that sprained ankle AND your lost relationship. It's about honoring the process, honoring the event and honoring your life.

I've been there and I can help you through the process.