Cemeteries & Graveyards...what is the fascination?

Visiting the Civil War graves in Vermont

I’ve always loved finding old cemeteries. Every small town I drive through I always stop at the graveyards to see what is the oldest grave there. I found a grave from 1706 in a town outside of Austin. I found another family from 1809 that seemed to have all died within months of each other. Up north the graves are older, from the 1600s.

The way each country buries their dead differs by culture, but even in the US there are small nuances as to how each state buries those who have passed on. If you’ve ever been to Louisiana you’d see the famous above ground mausoleum graves, or personal family graves buried in the canyons of New Mexico, the meticulously laid out graves at Arlington cemetery, or here in New England, graves on the hillsides and forests.

Worldwide if you’ve ever visited gravesites or cemeteries you would see the differences in the cultures as well. In Asia there are many temples with graves. In Ecuador there are fantastic gravesites with white marble headstones dotting the hills around towns. In Europe there are graves in forests and mountains.

In the USA it’s hard to find truly old graves like that in Europe, but up in the New England area are some of the oldest graves in the country. I was able to find burial grounds from the 1700s, and found out that there were Civil War cemeteries on top of hills overlooking mountains., like those in these photos.

While in Vermont I spent all morning looking for the civil war graves buried by a beautiful lake. It seemed that no one really knew where they were, you had to sort of find them for yourself. When I finally did, it was breathtaking experience. All the graves are exactly as they had been, barely any upkeep, slowly allowing nature to take over.

I like cemeteries for their peacefulness, but also the juxtaposition between life and death. Here I am, a walking, breathing, vibrant human being, walking among those who have passed on, stepping on the ground that had become their final resting place. It makes me reflect on my life, what I’m doing with it, and what these people’s final moments were like.

Many think it’s macabre or wrong to enjoy cemeteries so much, but it’s more the feeling of the culture, of times passed, history gone by and the remembrance of how life is fleeting and all we can do to make the most of it, is our very best.

Visiting this cemetery in particular was such an incredible experience. I’m so grateful for this life and the ability to do things like this that I love, which give me so much joy, fascinating and intrigue for life!

What is the deal with "letting go"?

Breaking down the art of letting go…and why it’s so misinterpreted

Throughout my healing process I came across a lot of words, quotes, coaches, spiritual teachers, etc, talk about the importance of "letting go", and if you don't, then you have "resistance" to it. Hell, I even started talking about letting go before I fully understood the concept.

Here's why the term “letting go” immediately triggers you and turns people off when used by others as spiritual bypassing or by those who do not know how to truly implement it.

Letting go is hard for anyone who has experienced trauma. Their whole life has been out of control, why would they let go again? When you tell a trauma survivor to let go, that is probably the worst thing you can do, as you're telling them to let go of everything they worked to get HOLD OF in their recovery. 

Letting go is hard if you've grown up with a strict religion and the idea of a scary god. Or if you've let go and put your trust in others before, such as those in power, and it backfired. For these and other reasons, using the term letting go is meaningless.

So what is letting go, really? There are many forms, but I am speaking of challenges in life, the spiritual practice of appropriate action, when you choose next steps for a specific situation. 

Letting go is trusting that you are supported by something greater than yourself. That you will find the courage to act at the right time, but not be attached to any outcome or demand a specific result. Letting go does not mean letting go of life, from now to infinity, floating around in time and space. No. It simply means you trust you are protected and guided, just enough to put one foot in front of the other. You do not need clarity on what to do, only that you will do whatever it takes to care for yourself first.

This is how we live in peace, in flow, and in harmony with ourselves and our intuition. But, how do we get there? How do you safely let go? What is the process? In my 39 years of life, I've never had someone explain it clearly until I came across Linda Howe, who provides such a simple method that I cannot believe no one has articulated this before. 

Linda explains that the safest way to practice the art of letting go is to put your trust in something dependable first. This could be anything from the cycles of the moon, the power that causes seeds to sprout, planets in orbit, the sun to rise, your vital organs working. This is something tangible, and something reliable. 

You do not have to put your trust in a higher power or The Divine, it has nothing to do with spirituality, it just has to be meaningful to you. Think about what that is. Waves crashing on a beach? Birds flying in the sky? Literally anything that is a constant in your life, and when you think about it, there are many. It's possible to let go into something you trust. 

When you find that constant, then begin to relax into the idea that there is a power for good at work in your life, and you can trust it without a second thought. Learn to trust what you can see, before trusting what you can't see. This is the safest way for your nervous system to begin to relax. Then, only then, can you start to let go. Eventually, you won’t have to keep letting go, because you’ll always be in flow, you won’t be swimming upstream, pushing through, and white knuckling it through life. You will just be.

Then, you can start all that other spiritual stuff. Try it, and see how it works for you.

MAGIC...it's real

“Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” — Roald Dahl

I felt magic walking in the fields amongst the fireflies, walking naked in the woods in the creek and swimming in the lakes around Montana. Magic is everywhere, in the earth, in the trees, in the wind, in the animals, in us. It's just up to you if you want to open your eyes to see it or not.

Horse Therapy...It works!

My time staying At a horse farm in Alabama

My whole life I’ve been connected to horses.

In Brazil we lived next to multiple horse farms and would go riding all the time. I grew up around them, cheered when the babies born and cried for days when others died in floods and landslides. We rode them in the mountains, by lakes, rivers, and on beaches. I named the horses I grew close to and kept snippets of their hair with me.

As I got older and the responsibilities of adulthood took over, I grew separate from them. I lived in cities, replacing horse riding with college, coffee shops and wine bars. Still though, the yearning feeling of wanting to ride a horse on the beach again, feeling free with the wind in my hair and sensation of flying lingered in my mind.

Now, on this trip throughout the USA, I was able to start my journey at a beautiful horse ranch in Alabama. I watched them run through the fields every day, took work breaks to walk around the grounds and sit in the grass with them, and rode them in the afternoons.

This experience made me realize that I am still deeply connected to these magnificent animals. Horses make me calm, make me cry, help me through emotional ups and downs in my life and teach me things I wouldn’t have learned otherwise. They are one of my power animals and my guides. I will forever love and be in constant awe of them.

I’m so grateful for this time I get to spend at a horse ranch in Alabama, just me, the horses and nature. There's a reason horses are used as therapy and for healing deep wounds. This year I’ve battled some of my darkest demons and also experienced some of my highest highs. But I would not have been able to do any of it if it weren’t for these animals around me.

Children of Cult - now out on Discovery+ UK!

The documentary series I took part in about growing up in The Children of God cult is now out on @discoveryplusuk!

I am proud to stand by these women who are speaking out and telling the world about their stories and their life. This was not easy. But it was necessary.

I am honored to be a part of this documentary, and I hope that sharing my story you can see that there is light after darkness and joy, purpose, power and pleasure after pain.

My past does not define me, but my story is what made me the person I am today, someone who is kind, caring, loyal, joyful, alive, vibrant, and in love with life!

I'm not a survivor, I'm a thriver. Follow me and see for yourself 💜🧚✨

Hi to all my new followers!

Hi to my new followers!

Thank you all for the love and support and messages after reading the article in the UK.

Remember that there will always be people who doubt your story and want to silence you and bring you down. Fuck all of those people. I'm out here living the life I want not thinking of them at all.

I love my life. For the first time ever I feel most at peace, most alive, strong, happy and fulfilled, able to be and do what I want. That's what healing is.

Thanks to all the words of support and encouragement from everyone, it means so much to me!

I will continue speaking about whatever I want, I will not shut up, I will not be silent and I will not change anything about me to make others feel better about themselves.