How to be happy

Whose job is it to keep you happy?

Being happy is such a loaded question, because happiness comes and goes and that’s totally ok. It’s ok to not be happy all the time. In fact, it’s healthy for you. We need to experience a broad range of emotions or else you will be emotionally stunted. Believe me, I know. Growing up in the Children of God cult I wasn’t allowed to display any emotions except that of happiness, joy, and obedience. I had no idea how to be sad, or how to be angry. It took me years of deprogramming to actually figure out what that meant for me, and how to express it.

But being happy, that’s different. We sometimes put happiness on this pedestal of the ultimate emotion to feel all the time. And yes, it is important. But it’s also a slippery slope, because as humans we seek comfort, we seek happiness, and we often seek these things outside of ourselves around within others or outside circumstances in order for us to feel it This is where it gets dangers.

It’s no one’s job to keep you safe, happy, healthy, successful, loved, calm, nourished, or satisfied. Yes, as a child this was the job of your parents. But if you are still looking for this in others, you have a long ways to go. Mostly like you are dealing with a wounded inner child that has not yet healed from your past traumas and is still looking outward for approval, protection, and love.

In order to provide happiness for yourself and stop seeking it from others, you need to address your wounded inner child, address the trauma and the feelings that keep bringing you back to your inner child seeking outside happiness and approval.

Once you address that, then you must reclaim the lost parts of yourself from your childhood that you discarded along the way. It’s important to bring those pieces back to you, so that you stop projecting onto others, stop seeing everyone else as the problem and expecting others to be responsible for your happiness, and start looking within yourself for your happiness, protection, love and satisfaction.

Only then, will you truly be happy. Only then will you be able to give yourself the things that you were desperately seeking from everyone else. And only then can you move on with your life, unbothered and untethered to other people, other circumstances, and events that had power over you and influenced whether you were happy or not.

When you let that go, you’ll truly be free and you’ll truly be happy. I know because I did it. And you can too.

What it means to "let go"

Throughout my life I’ve seen a lot of words, quotes, coaches, etc, talk about the importance of "letting go". I even started talking about it before I fully grasped the concept.

But saying "letting go" can be triggering, particularly for trauma survivors. When you say “let go”, you're telling them to let go of everything they worked to get HOLD OF in their recovery.

Letting go is also hard if you've grown up with a strict religion and the idea of a scary god. Or if you've put your trust in others (like those in power) & it backfired. The term becomes meaningless or even harmful.

So what is letting go, really?

Letting go is trusting you are supported by something greater than yourself. That you will find the courage to act at the right time, but not attached to any specific outcome. It does not mean letting go of life. It simply means you trust you are protected and guided, enough to put one foot in front of the other. A day at a time. This is how we live in peace & flow, connected to ourselves and intuition.

But how do you safely let go? In my 39 years of life, I've never heard a clear explanation until I came across Linda Howe, who provides a simple method.

Linda says the safest way of letting go is to put your trust in something dependable first. This could be anything from the cycles of the moon, plants that grow, planets in orbit, the sunrise, your vital organs working. Something tangible & reliable.

It has nothing to do with spirituality, it just has to be meaningful to you. What is that? Waves crashing on a beach? Birds flying in the sky? Literally anything that is a constant in your life, and there are many. You can let go into something you trust.

When you find that constant, relax into the idea there is a power for good at work in your life, and you can trust it without a second thought. Learn to trust what you can see, before trusting what you can't see. This is the safest way for your nervous system to begin to relax. Then, you can start to let go. Eventually, you won't have to keep letting go, because you’ll always be in flow, and at peace.

Then, you can start all that other spiritual stuff. Try it, and see how it works for you.

How to turn your stressors into strengths

I have been struuuuggggggling lately.

Not happy about where I'm at in life, stressed about not finding a place to live and a bit lost as to whether I even want to settle down or keep traveling.

All that stress and worry has affected my health. I've developed multiple health issues that could turn more serious if not attended too soon.

One of the main things I've struggled with from my childhood trauma is extreme anxiety and chronic stress. This is from me constantly trying to predict where danger will come from next so I could protect myself.

When you're in a constant state of fight or flight this affects everything from digestion, ability to focus, immunity, mental health, sleep, social life and...breath.

I feel my body tensing and not breathing. I see myself not eating and resorting back to caffeine to keep me going, making it even worse as that wrecks my adrenals and wreaks havoc on my body and digestive system.

When I'm in a downward spiral like this, one of the things that helps to get me out this funk is gratitude. And there is always so much to be thankful for!

I'm thankful for my family that has houses I can stay in when I get back to Texas. I have an amazing vehicle that allows me to travel the country and gives me no issues whatsoever. I have a healthy body that moves, can get up in the morning and heals quickly from disease. I have friends and family who support me. I have income I can rely on. And, how exciting that I don't have a home! The world is open to me and I can do and go wherever I want.

Turning stressors around to something beautiful is so key when you are going through hard times. I mean, how cool I don’t have anywhere to live, the entire world is open to me and I can go wherever I want!

The next time you've got a stressful issue or in a trauma spiral like I am, use Byron Katie's 4 questions to turn it around.

Ask yourself:
Is it true
Can I absolutely be sure it’s true
Who I am with this thought
Who am I without this thought
Now change the thought around

This technique works and will help put you into a better mental space right away. Try it while taking some deep breaths, and let me know how it goes.

How Generational Trauma Works

"The way we were treated as small children is the way we treat ourselves the rest of our lives; with cruelty or with tenderness and protection. We often impose our most agonizing suffering upon ourselves and, later, on our children."
-- Alice Miller

Dr. Alice Miller said that parents who have not dealt with their trauma often end up traumatizing their children unintentionally. That's because they were traumatized by their own parents, then start repeating the pattern.

Trauma is generational. Unresolved trauma and repressed emotions are often projected onto others, with children becoming the main targets.

Parents unconsciously try to heal themselves through their children, doing to their kid what was or wasn't done to them. E.g. neglect/abuse, or forcing their child into an activity/sport/life that they were deprived of growing up.

Parents who have dealt with trauma know that children need unconditional love and acceptance. They learn to fully love and accept their children's emotions in whatever they do, not just when they are smiling and happy.

To get to that point, you must be attuned to your own emotions, thereby attuning to your children's. You must welcome their moods & feelings so the child knows it's ok to talk about emotions that come up.

In the cult I grew up in, many of my emotions were suppressed. This led to severe emotional illiteracy later in life as I did not recognize emotions like sadness, anger, or confusion. It took me years to undo the emotional abuse I suffered and be able to recognize and deal with my emotions healthily. Even now I still struggle with certain emotions like anger and rage. But I learned to support rather than suppress them.

Heal your trauma. When you attune with your emotions it gives you self awareness and the ability to mother not just your children, but yourself most of all.

Get comfortable with your emotional needs first, so you don't pass on the trauma of emotional neglect and disconnection to others.

It takes time, but is well worth it.

The Art of Meditation - What stood out to me

I recently read The Art of Meditation, and there were several things that stood out to me from this book. One, if had a very clear, concise way of how to stay in the moment, or in the present, something I touched on in one of my previous posts.

I mentioned how the words “living for now” or “staying present” almost have no meaning right now as they are such buzzwords. People use them, but no one really tells you HOW. Well, the Art of Meditation did exactly that, and in a few sentences, not a full blog post like I did earlier.

Below are some of the key standout phrases from the book which continue to impress upon me and I hope they will be of value to you too.

“There’s no time you’ve wasted or lost. There’s only this moment, and it’s complete within itself.

Go beyond accepting and forgiving yourself. Love yourself profoundly, but not the idea of yourself with all its vanity. Love the essence of who you are, which is the essence of every single one of us.

Learn to let go, trust, and learn the essence of it.

There is nothing more to add.”

Are there any books or phrases, quotes, etc you’ve heard on staying present or in the moment that really resonated with you? If so let me know in the comments below!

Living for now...what does that even mean?

Breaking down the concept of living in the moment.

There is a passge I read from The Art of Self Love, which has always stuck with me.

“There is no time wasted or lost. There’s only this moment, and its complete within itself.

Go beyond accepting and forgiving yourself. Love yourself profoundly, but not the idea of yourself with all its vanity. Love the essence of who you are, which is the essence of every single one of us.

Learn to let go, trust, and learn the essence of it.

There’s nothing more to add.”

I love this poem and ruminated on it for awhile. At the time hen I read it, I had no idea what self love was or what “living in moment” was. Since then, I’ve built on this thought little by little, to where I think I can explain it much better for others now.

Living in the moment…what is it?

I guess you could also call this mindfulness or being present, or what I like to refer as, “just being”. It refers to the practice of fully engaging with and experiencing the present moment without being distracted by thoughts about the past or future. Without distractions about what you will say in this conversation, or what you should have said in that conversation. It involves being aware of and fully immersed in the current sensations, thoughts, and emotions without judgment or attachment.

Living in the moment entails directing your attention to the present without dwelling on regrets from the past or anxieties about the future. It means acknowledging and accepting your current circumstances, experiences, and feelings, whether positive or negative, without trying to change or control them. Instead of being preoccupied with what has happened or what might happen, you focus on what is happening right now. Essentially, you become neutral to your past experiences and thoughts. You choose only perfection, you choose only love, and you chose only being.

By cultivating mindfulness and living in the moment, you can develop a greater sense of self-awareness, mental clarity, and emotional balance. It allows you to fully appreciate and enjoy the simple pleasures of life, engage more deeply in your relationships, and savor the richness of each experience.

See that tree you’re passing? Look at those vibrant colors! Or that adorable child waving at you. Or look at that cute old couple, still just as in love as the day they met 50 years ago. When you start living in the moment you start appreciating everything around you and realizing that everything in life can be beautiful, if you choose to see it.

Living in the moment doesn't mean disregarding or neglecting your future goals or responsibilities. It means finding a balance between planning for the future and being fully present in the present. It encourages you to make conscious choices and take deliberate actions in alignment with your long-term aspirations while still fully immersing yourself in the present moment.

Practicing mindfulness techniques such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, or simply paying attention to your senses out in nature can help you develop the ability to live in the moment and experience a deeper connection with yourself and the world around you.

My favorite is walking in nature, barefoot, looking at flowers and appreciating the colors all around you. Being in silence with yourself, removing all outside distractions like your phone, other people’s voices, listening to podcasts, anything. Getting back to your core and enjoying being with you.

If you haven’t tried living the moment, try it today. Take a walk in nature. Go barefoot, without your phone or earbuds. Listen to the sounds in nature. The birds, the bugs, the wind. Everything is perfect. Nature is perfect, unspoiled, exactly as it was meant to be. That’s how we are. We just need to remember it and get back to our true selves and our core, where there is nothing left but perfection.