How to know when you've broken the trauma cycle

When “boring” means stable and “exciting” is actually abusive and toxic

I had an interesting experience recently that made me think a lot about how far I’ve come. I realized that there are some very clear signs on how to know when you’re healing from extreme trauma, and one of those is that you simply stop perceiving stability and peace with boring and normal.

Listen, I get it. Trauma is an incredibly difficult thing to overcome. It shapes the way we think, feel, and act, and causes us to feel stuck in a cycle of negative patterns that we can't seem to escape from. Also ,when you’re so deep in it, you have NO IDEA that you’re even in that cycle until you finally get to a point where enough is enough and you are ready to face some hard truths about yourself.

When you finally do accept you need help and healing, breaking free from trauma will start to bring a profound sense of freedom and clarity. It allows us to see the world in a new light and discover the safety and stability that we may have been missing. It also allows us to see that safety and stability as something natural and peaceful, something to be sought after…not something boring.

Breaking free from my trauma was a long and challenging journey…it still is, in a way. I honestly can’t even say I’m done with the journey or completely healed, but I do have a massive toolbox of modalities to help me when I am triggered, not to mention a completely different mindset to go with it. And that is what counts.

It took years of therapy, self-reflection, thousands of dollars and hard work to finally realize that the chaos and instability I was so accustomed to was actually…not natural at all. I grew so used to chaos in my life (that was a constant in my childhood), I didn't even realize it was STILL causing me harm in my adult life. Only when I started to break out of the trauma cycle I realized how much damage it caused me, and how avoidable all the chaos in my life was.

Most importantly, I realized that the chaos in my life was NOT normal. I was not doomed to deal with one dramatic situation after another, I was just so accustomed to this happening that I continued to welcome in chaotic people and situations, and actually REJECT calm, stable, non-dramatic individuals and environments.

Because what I perceived as boring was actually safety and stability and my default state of chaos was fear and drama, everything else felt dull and unexciting. When I began to unpack some seriously f’ed up patterns in my life that were repeating from my childhood, I knew I had to break the cycle.

So I accepted I needed help, and sought out anything I could to begin to heal and regulate my nervous system. This included therapy, plant medicine, energy work, movement, breathwork, journaling, being in nature, even new diets. It also included parting with people in my life who were also living in chaotic patters and severely draining my energy. Only after that did I start to see glimpses of the beauty in the calm and the serenity of safety.

Deconditioning decades worth of negative patterns is a gradual process. But I continued to work through my trauma, and incorporate simple habits to help regulate my emotions and find joy in little things. Things like appreciating the stability and predictability of my day-to-day life. Finding comfort in a simple routine, being at ease alone with myself, allowing myself to sit with my thoughts, to feel sad, feel discomfort, feel confusion. To feel all the emotions that are often suppressed when you are in a constant state of chaos, because your body remains in fight or flight.

Most of all, I worked on forming healthy relationships, both with myself and others. I sought out and connected with individuals who either healed from their past trauma, or individuals I knew who lived a calm, steady, peaceful life. A life I wanted to emulate. From there, I started to create a sense of safety in my own life that I hadn’t experienced before.

At times this change was not easy. Often I found myself back in the beginning of trauma cycle and could feel myself returning to the chaos that felt so familiar. But for me, there was no going back. I was not repeating those cycles. So I gave myself grace, and bowed out of the cycle before it took over.

Breaking trauma cycles is not easy. But it is possible. For everyone. You’ll know you broke it when what you thought was once boring is actually the key to the safety and stability we all need to thrive.

If you’re struggling with trauma cycles, don’t give up. Keep going. Continue your healing, use whatever modalities work for you. If you fall back into a cycle, don’t give up or judge yourself. Just acknowledge where you are, and move on. One day, you will see someone else’s life of chaos and think “wow, I used to be there. And I am never going back.” That’s when you’ll know you built a foundation for a fulfilling and happy life.

Most of all, you’ll realize you just found a sense of peace and happiness you once thought was impossible.

My current struggles and the relationships with my parents

Addressing the remorseless apologies survivors have received by the cult leaders, my honest feelings about my parents, and a word to those who choose to blame victims rather than the perpetrators.

It's never easy to talk about my personal life. Many people have assumed things about me but never asked. I hope this video clears up any misconceptions and shows that like others, I still battle with my demons every day. But, because of my healing journey, I have the tools and support I need to get me through, keep going, and keep growing.

There is one thing I would like to clarify in this video. While yes, at times it feels like it would be easier if my parents were dead, in doing Byron Katie's "The Work", I need to ask myself the four questions:

1. Is it true? At times it feels like it

2. Can I absolutely know this is true? No, I cannot. There is no way for me to know if my life would be easier, I can only assume

3. Who am I with this thought? Someone who assumes she knows what's best for her life and the life of others, who tries to control outcomes and becomes stressed, bitter and resentful.

4. Who am I without this thought? Peaceful, free, someone who is not trying to control the outcome and understands that everything is happening exactly as it should.

I truly do not know what's best for my life, and this is important for me to emphasize. We think we know what's best for us, but in hindsight, so many things we thought were good for us turned out to be wrong, and vice versa.

The things I teach others and talk about are the things I always apply to my own life, and this is a great example.

One ring to rule them all… My child bride cult ring.

I was born as a child celebrity in the cult founder David Berg’s compound. He named me, wrote stories about me and I grew up basically promised to him from birth.

At 3 I was taken to David Berg by my own mother and presented as his child bride. Berg gave me a heart shaped ring way too big for my 3 yr old finger. He wrapped tape around the band until it fit, saying the ring was big on purpose so I could wear it forever. I still have the ring to this day and it fits on my pinkie finger.

That is sick. He put that much thought into how he could possess me for the rest of my life, and how he could ensure that the ring would fit me through adulthood. I still have it, and it still does.

The first photo at the top of the page is me wearing that ring as an adult.

Berg systematically broke down children, abused and trafficked them, then had his followers do the same. This was his way to control, a way to satiate his perverted mind that had also been control and abused as a child himself, by his own nanny. His mind was so far gone and so fucked up that he continued to inflict pain on thousands of people, the way pain was inflicted on him in his childhood.

What’s that saying again…hurt people hurt people, healed people heal people.

I still have the ring, yes. I keep in my possession, no one will ever know where, I don’t wear it but I also don’t feel the need to burn it. This ring is part of my story now, it’s part of my power and part of my path. It’s not Berg’s, and it never will be.

In the video on my previous post, I talk about being trafficked as a child in the infamous sex cult The Children of God, aka The Family.

Yes, trafficking is a harsh word. We think of children being grabbed off the street and chained to a bed and all kinds of horrible things happening to them. But if you look at the definition of child trafficking online, it paints a different picture.

The definition of child trafficking is the illegal movement of children for forced labor or sexual exploitation.

When I first read this definition, I was floored, because that literally described my life. If I could sum up my life in one sentence, it would literally be that.

So, I embarked on an even deeper healing journey, to learn more about child trafficking and all its nuances that we typically wouldn’t associate it with. Since then, I’ve talked to many of my fellow survivors about our childhood, and we’ve all slowly come to terms with the fact that yes, we were in fact, trafficked. It’s a hard pill to swallow at first, but something important when to acknowledge about our lives.

Photo info:

1. To the left is a photO of me at two years old, shortly before I received the ring on my 3rd birthday.

2. Below, you can see a photo of Berg, laying a hand on my pregnant mother’s belly, and inside that belly is me.

3. Second to the bottom is a picture of Berg’s cousin Mary Dear. He wrote a personal note to my mother about naming me after his cousin he was in love with. Mary Dear became my celebrity cult name and it’s in the cult publications.

4. A recent photo of me now, living life to the fullest and loving every second

Child trafficking is not always forcibly grabbing someone off the street, throwing them into a van and hiding them in a warehouse. Most of the time it’s far more covert and insidious. It’s low income families exchanging sexual favors for money. It’s sex cults who separate families & travel in the middle of the night to escape authorities looking for them. It’s the family down the street with the creepy uncle who always comes by when the parents are away but the kids are home. Or the family friend who brings money for the kids and the parents let them have special play time with. Or the masked kid walking down the street with the man grabbing their arm just a bit too forcefully.

These things are happening today all around us. Maybe to you or someone you know. This is a pandemic in our country of massive proportions and it’s only getting worse through generations. Research child trafficking in your area. The results may shock you.

Child Trafficking and why I'm talking about it

Child Trafficking and why I'm talking about it

In this video I explain why I'm talking about child trafficking, provide stats, why we should care, and my personal experience being trafficked in the sex cult The Children of God, something I've never talked about publicly before.

I'll continue to speak about this topic and supply as much credible information I can, and tips on how to look out for trafficked children and what you can do about it.

Child Marriage is LEGAL in the USA!

Whey are more people not talking about this? Where is the outrage?

In the image above, pay attention to the gray states. NO legal minimum age for child marriage! That means with parental consent a child can marry at 8 or 18.

When activists have sought to eliminate those exceptions and ban marriage prior to age 18, as they are attempting to do in about 10 states nationwide, they are met with substantial pushback. Take the last slide, for example. In California--a very liberal state--a bill to set the minimum marriage age at 18 failed in 2017 after objections from lawmakers and LIBERAL groups such as the state's American Civil Liberties Union. The state STILL currently has no minimum marriage age. Why?

The ACLU argued that the bill "unnecessarily and unduly intrudes on the fundamental rights of marriage without sufficient cause," saying that banning underage marriage without evidence regarding the nature and severity of the problem "puts the cart before the horse." Evidence? Seriously? Even just one case should be enough to pass a bill.

The minimum marriage age in Alabama today is 16, though for most of the state’s history girls could marry at 14 and boys at 17. Don't take my research for it. Look it up yourself.

In Louisiana, Republicans and Democrats actually debated last over whether to set a minimum marriage age in the state. They finally settled on the marriage age at 16 with no more than 3 years age difference.

Why are politicians debating over this? Why isn't this a clear cut issue? I'll tell you why. Because we have a pandemic going on called child trafficking and pedophilia, not COVID-19. It's that people want to harm your children and get away with it.

This is not a partisan issue, this is left AND right. But please don't kid yourself thinking this is a southern or conservative issue, it's not. The issue is that a lot of us just don't care or don't bother to look into something that doesn't directly affect us. I did the same thing. But once I started researching a lot of things started making sense, and the fact that so many politicians have been arrested and charged with child pornography.

Ghislane Maxwell and Jeffrey Epstein are only the beginning. But the more we shine a light on this issue, the more we'll put a stop to it!

Honoring the Feminine

I grew up in a cult where being feminine was not only encouraged but enforced.

Cutting your hair and dressing in shorts or pants were not allowed and if you did dress like that, you were shunned and punished for it.

I had no say in my life or body. I was treated as an object and sexually abused whenever any male felt like it, then punished for speaking out about it. I was taught that my purpose was to service men, have babies at 16 and be happy and thankful for any sexual encounter experienced. If I didn't like it, it was my own fault.

I lived my whole childhood in fear of sexual assaults, wishing I was a boy.

As I got to my teenage years I found safety in looking like a boy. I dressed like them, I got punished with them, & hid my female traits with baggy clothes and short hair.

While there is nothing wrong with dressing and looking this way, as I got older I felt I was doing myself a disservice resisting my feminine side. I was scared of embracing my own feminine power. I’ve always been a tomboy, had short hair and wear minimal make up. That’s just who I am. But on the inside I felt I needed a better balance between masculine and feminine. I knew I needed to let go of my childhood fears of appearing too feminine, too vulnerable, too "soft". In order to do that, however, I first had to work on healing my childhood traumas.

In 2019 I started a journey of getting back in touch with my feminine side. It was the year I started loving my body at whatever state it’s in, the year I truly started rooting for every female around me, the year I built my own beautiful female support group, and the year I started to step into my feminine energy to learn what it truly meant to be a woman, embrace my sexuality, my body, my powers and everything I and society tells you what's wrong with yourself.

Femininity comes in many forms. Sure, it's being comfortable in your own skin, but it's also embracing the flow of life, going through hardships and challenges and coming out not hardened but softer and kinder. It’s being in touch with your emotions, open to transformation and understand that you don’t have to do it all, it’s OK to ask and accept help. It's embracing what it means to be a woman. To own your sexuality, work with the feminine 30 day lunar cycle of the moon, not the masculine solar 24 hours cycle of the sun.

There is so much more I have to learn about my own feminine power. But every year I am able to look back and see how far I've come.

These pictures are not comparisons of before and after, but to show how we can grow, how we can learn, how we can evolve. It's to show that as humans it is our right and gift to be able to transform ourselves again and again.