It IS about you!

Debunking the myth of selfish, the phrase “it’s not about you” and WHY YOU SHOULD start living for yourself!

Recently I’ve received a lot of messages asking me about my life, how I travel so much, how come I look "radiant" and "full of life." Interesting questions, to say the least. Also, the answer may not be what you want to hear or expecting.

Firstly, I'm not always happy and full of life. I have a ton of ups and downs, get triggered all the time thanks to my traumatic childhood and have to constantly talk myself out of an impending depression spiral.

But, what I have done to mitigate an impending mental crisis and create joy in my life is being so selfishly focused on myself and what I want, that I literally have no time to focus on others. This includes unfollowing all political accounts (programming to keep you mad and divided), and separating myself from groups/people that made me react in any way other than a smile.

I then use that time to fill it with things I love to do/always wanted to do but never did (mostly because I talked myself out of it by telling myself I’m too “old” to get started). This includes travel, working with horses, painting, gardening, pole dancing, yoga, naked hiking, exploring new lakes/towns, cooking, reading, writing, and more. When I also fit my actual job in there, I then have a full and fulfilling day that keeps me so busy I don't have time to get offended by the latest political party drama or any other crap that literally has no control over my life if I don't let it.

I understand that we all have different lives and not everyone can up and travel when they want, including myself. But exposing yourself to things that upset you is a choice. Not doing something because you’re scared to is a choice. Being offended is a choice. Being critical is a choice. Feeding your anger by reading things that offend you is 100% a choice. Being happy...Also a choice.

Happy people do not judge or criticize others. Full stop. I know this firsthand because was the most judgiest critical person ever. Like ever. Until I finally acknowledged it's just cause I wasn't happy in my own life.

When I realized the only person suffering from my anger was me, I decided to stop drinking the poison and waiting for others to die, take the antidote and move on with my life. And that's when things shifted. I formed better connections with others, and opened myself to more experience, in turn allowing myself to feel more joy, freedom, peace, love... This is to be full of life.

Now if I find myself critiquing or judging someone, I step back and think what's going on in my life that I'm unhappy with and how can I fix that. It takes some self reflection and a good hard look at yourself, but once you find the thing that’s holding you back, you can fix it, and move on with your life.

So stop following the people who make you mad, stop allowing everyone else to tell you what to think, how to act, what to be mad at and how to live. Live for yourself because guess what... contrary to what you've been told your whole life about it not being about you, well, surprise….it IS about you.

Stop prioritizing others over yourself

100% this is something I have to keep reminding myself of for the rest of my life. I used to wear it as a badge of honor that I always prioritized others over myself, until I realized I was drowning in sacrificial behavior, living for everyone else except myself.

The only thing we know about what will happen this year is that we don’t know. So why not make it a year for healing? A way to use this time of uncertainty to our best advantage. For growth, healing, taking care of our mental health, and accepting that things may never be as they were “before”.

As a trauma specialist, I know how important it is to use time like this to focus on healing child wounds. @tanaamen explains this wonderfully, addressing a common strategy of hiding or minimizing past traumatic experiences:

“The concept of hiding—or minimizing—a traumatic past is a common survival strategy for many people. It’s as though we’d like to take all those frightening, chaotic, humiliating, or abusive memories and put them in a box that others can’t access. This way no one can see the secret pain hidden inside—or so we think.”

These things only work to come to the surface later in life, when similar traumatic experiences trigger the initial trauma, leaving you more traumatized and unable to cope in the future. A bit like what’s happening in our world today. We’re seeing A LOT of unhealed trauma coming to the surface, triggered by the events around us.

Healing from past trauma is the greatest gift we can give ourselves, and the greatest way to prioritize ourselves over others.

Let’s use this year of uncertainty to take care of our mental health first. Let’s use this time to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

If you’re feeling anxious, frustrated, fearful, ask yourself where this is coming from and when you first experienced this feeling. Once you trace it back to the root and heal it, you can move forward in life with a new outlook, new perspective and new love for yourself.

I know because I did it 🙌✨💜

Liked or Respected? Can you have both?

I grew up learning to be a people pleaser, punished for using my own voice and questioning cult teachings. So I learned at a young age to keep quiet. Don't rock the boat, stop with the questions, keep quiet if I disagree.

Unfortunately this translated into my adult life. While I'm certainly not a wallflower sitting silently in the corner, I've often found myself silent and not speaking up on extremely controversial issues for fear of going against the majority and being shunned.

I've seen a lot of people these days keeping silent on what's going on simply because they have different views than the majority. On the other hand I've seen a handful of people unafraid to speak their mind & go against the majority to show more than two sides, more than black-and-white, and more than what we're seeing. 😦

I have more respect for those few people than I do for the hundreds of others who aren't saying anything different. It doesn't matter what their beliefs are, they know where they stand and they don't care about the majority. ♥

These people taught me about resilience and toughening up. This doesn't mean hardening my heart, but changing my mindset from appeasing and defending to standing by my convictions and beliefs.

There will forever be a little girl inside of me just wants to be liked and accepted. It may seem easier just being nice, but those days are gone. I learned that I can't always be liked, but I can always be respected. 🌠

So I decided I'd much rather be respected than liked. 💯

It's all about YOU!

It's your life, it's your journey, it's your experiences. It's time to make it about you and stop listening to what others have to say about your journey.

One of the surprising effects of trauma recovery is realizing you've been afraid of pretty much everything, as soon as the traumatic experience occurred. This means fear of judgment, of taking risks, doing what you want, of speaking up, setting boundaries, self care, etc.

I used to never speak up, go against the majority or voice my opinions because I was afraid of people getting angry and afraid of conflict. I always did everything to keep the peace at the expense of myself as I was afraid someone else would suffer in my place. This is a huge effect of trauma, but something masked as being "unselfish" or "caring" and we label those who put themselves first as selfish.

You cannot take care of others unless you take care of yourself first. Living a sacrificial life, crucifying yourself to put others first is not how you heal or grow.

I'm so sick of the "it's not about you" gaslighting technique many people use when they see you're finally taking care of yourself and putting yourself first. Narcissistic people will often say this, which, if you're an empath like me, can make you think "am I being selfish?" Then you start backpedaling, getting defensive and respond with "I know, it's about X, not me." You may even change in order to "prove" you know it's not about you. This is gaslighting at its finest.

News flash, it is about you. It's about your healing, your mental health, your life, and your happiness.

I say this because this is the main thing I've been working on this year. Fear of putting myself first. And fear of overcoming my fear, because how will people view the new me? How will they judge me? I needed to stop viewing myself as selfish for putting myself first and get my priorities in order.

Everything you're afraid of is rooted in past trauma. When you break from trauma you heal your fear, because you healed the relationship to the fear. And I can show you how.

Do not be afraid to draw those boundaries. Do not be afraid to be selfish. Do not be afraid of conflict and other people's judgment about how you're healing and living your life. Most of all, do not be afraid to put yourself first because YES, it is about YOU!