"The way we were treated as small children is the way we treat ourselves the rest of our lives; with cruelty or with tenderness and protection. We often impose our most agonizing suffering upon ourselves and, later, on our children."
-- Alice Miller
Dr. Alice Miller said that parents who have not dealt with their trauma often end up traumatizing their children unintentionally. That's because they were traumatized by their own parents, then start repeating the pattern.
Trauma is generational. Unresolved trauma and repressed emotions are often projected onto others, with children becoming the main targets.
Parents unconsciously try to heal themselves through their children, doing to their kid what was or wasn't done to them. E.g. neglect/abuse, or forcing their child into an activity/sport/life that they were deprived of growing up.
Parents who have dealt with trauma know that children need unconditional love and acceptance. They learn to fully love and accept their children's emotions in whatever they do, not just when they are smiling and happy.
To get to that point, you must be attuned to your own emotions, thereby attuning to your children's. You must welcome their moods & feelings so the child knows it's ok to talk about emotions that come up.
In the cult I grew up in, many of my emotions were suppressed. This led to severe emotional illiteracy later in life as I did not recognize emotions like sadness, anger, or confusion. It took me years to undo the emotional abuse I suffered and be able to recognize and deal with my emotions healthily. Even now I still struggle with certain emotions like anger and rage. But I learned to support rather than suppress them.
Heal your trauma. When you attune with your emotions it gives you self awareness and the ability to mother not just your children, but yourself most of all.
Get comfortable with your emotional needs first, so you don't pass on the trauma of emotional neglect and disconnection to others.
It takes time, but is well worth it.
