What growing up in a sex cult taught me - Pt 2

Chosen family vs. blood family…what can we learn?

A peaceful walk in the seaside town of Cascais, Portugal

Your chosen family teaches you about love and care. Your blood family teaches you patience and forgiveness.

With yet another interview out about me, I’ve often been asked about the relationship with my parents.

To be honest, I never had a relationship with them. They did not raise me, and they were strangers to me as a child. They were also terrible parents and highly abusive. But they taught me valuable lessons about myself and the type of person I want to be. 

My parents are my greatest teachers. They taught me strength, adversity, empathy, compassion, kindness, vulnerability, authenticity, truthfulness, resilience, independence, and so much more. But most of all they taught me forgiveness and patience. Forgiveness to be able to set myself free from the terrible abuses of my childhood. Patience to allow them to show up as the people they are and understand that they will not change unless they want to. This is what my blood family has taught me.

My chosen family, however, taught me respect, camaraderie, community, confidence, sisterhood, support, overcoming, joy, friendship, trust, loyalty, communication, love, and care. They taught me what it means to have a true bond as either a friend, a partner, or mentor. From them I learned what healthy, loving, caring relationships looks like in the way they show up in the world for their own family, their friends, and me. 

Without true love, without knowing someone cares, what do we have? All we want is to be seen, heard, love, excepted, and respected. Without that we have nothing.

So I want to thank both my blood family and my chosen family for teaching me so much about life, about what it means to be human and providing me with so many valuable experiences and opportunities to learn and grow in this lifetime. It’s because of both my blood family and my chosen family that I am a better person today than I was just a year ago. 

I’m thankful for the pain and suffering I’ve felt through life because each time I refuse to let it bring me down, even though many times I wasn’t sure if I’d pull through. But I know that I can either allow the pain to help me grow and evolve, or I can wallow in it and sit around waiting for someone to save me.

 There was an interesting question I heard yesterday on The Diary of a CEO. And that was, if you had the ability to remove pain from life forever, would you? It took me awhile to ponder this question as with pain comes so much other stuff. Sickness, heartbreak, disease, mental issues, and more. So could I remove those as well?

i came to the conclusion similar to the interviewer. Which is that without pain, I don’t think we’d truly appreciate the joy. It would just be. We would probably go through life a bit numb, because everything is pain free. You must be alive to feel pain, and joy. That’s the balance of life. If I didn’t feel pain or suffering, I wouldn’t be alive. And I truly feel alive.

So thank you to my parents and the cult for teaching me about pain, teaching me about kindness, teaching me about healing. While I may not have wanted those lessons, I feel blessed that I was able to turn them into something valuable and beautiful, and for that I am grateful.

What growing up in a sex cult taught me - part 1

My new series What Growing up in a Sex Cult Taught me will be documented on this blog and on Instagram!

Me with my first book of Poetry, Sage of the Wild - Fairy Poems of Nature’s Healing

Now available for purchase at: https://stan.store/serkelley/p/sage-of-the-wild

When I made friends after leaving the cult I realized how ill prepared I was for the real world. So many of my friends had wonderful parents who cared about their future, taught them about finances, school, careers. Life lessons that I not only never received, but were discouraged to talk about.

The Children of God was a doomsday child trafficking p**ophile cult. I was raised to believe Jesus was coming back before I was 18 and I would probably die in the endtime, so why bother with education, I was going to die soon anyway. 

Rather than learning life skills, I begged on the streets & sang in restaurants to make money and win as many souls for Jesus before we were whisked away to heaven. 

At times I feel incredibly angry at the insane world I grew up in, & seeing my friends well prepared with parents who taught them life skills and values in order to succeed. Other times I realize I don’t give myself enough credit for building a life literally out of nowhere alone at 18.

Planning my escape from the cult, figuring out how to get a job, taking the GED because I didn’t exist in the USA school system, going to college, working full time, learning what the hell taxes were, what a credit card/bank account was & so much more, a crash course in life at 18. I have no choice but to give myself credit and grace I came this far.

My story is not special. It’s unique, yes, but the process is the same for all of us. We all have trauma we’re dealing with, shit to overcome, adjust & figure out.

Healing is not linear. You don’t reach a point where everything is good and you never struggle again. It’s a lifelong journey to the next phase & the next. This happens to all of us and we have to give ourselves grace.

Think of a time in your life you struggled. Where you felt alone, weren’t sure if you’d make it through, but kept going. You’re alive, right? That means you made it. And if you’re in the thick of it now, keep going. Feelings aren’t final, experiences aren’t forever, and life keeps going.

I’ve written my first poetry book about trauma healing through nature and I’ll be sharing it with you all soon. Stay tuned!

That time I forgot my passport...

My disaster of a trip to Berlin…and what I discovered

I was halfway to the airport on my way to Berlin when I realized I left my passport at home.

HOW is this possible, I thought, in total shock.

This is an amateur move that’s never happened to me before. As a seasoned traveler who’s been on hundreds of flights to over 40 countries, it should never happen. What is going on?

While past me would have been sooo stressed, freaking out, upset about losing my non refundable Airbnb and flight, today I felt surprisingly calm about the whole thing.

That’s because travel taught me an invaluable lesson. Go with the flow. Everything is happening as it’s meant and there is always another way.

As someone who struggles with anxiety, getting in my head, imaginary arguments with myself or others, and always planning for the worst, losing a flight would be worse case scenario for me.

But instead, I went with it. I released my travel plans to the universe, accepting that if my flight left before I made it to the gate, then how great I can go home and get more work done for my business. How great I’ll save money on hotels and eating out.

I also didn’t give up and tell the driver to go home. I was going to try. My flight leaves in 15 minutes and I’m not even at the airport yet. But I’m 5 minutes away. You never know.

Security had a long line. I knew I needed to ask for help and I STRUGGLE asking for help cause, anxiety. But there was no way I’d make the fight if I stood in line silent.

So I asked the guard to skip the line, showed him my ticket and he led me to the front. He didn’t even speak, just motioned for me to follow him and that was that.

I smiled calmly at the two frazzled moms in front of me folding up their strollers, digging for their liquids as their children screamed. Every minute I waited behind them was a minute lost making my flight.

And I still didn’t know what gate it was.

I got through security, ran through duty free to the departure monitors. I’m not familiar with the Porto airport yet but I know there are over 40 gates so it could be by gate 1 or gate 40.

It was gate 35 and I was at gate 33.

I ran through the airport, sweating away in the warm Porto air with my Berlin winter clothes on. Gate 35 was much further than I thought, I had to pass a whole new section of duty free.

I got to the gate 5 minutes before departure and to my surprise, the flight was still boarding. So I stood in line to board, the 2nd to last person on the plane.

I made it to the plane, expecting major drama with my carry on luggage. If you’re last typically you have to put it in cargo or in a completely different area than your seat.

Whatever, I’m here, it’ll work out.

And there it was, one tiny space in the overhead bin right by my seat. If you’ve flown with carry on you know, this never happens. Overhead bins are always packed on full flights and stragglers have to release their luggage to the cargo gods. Yet here’s a space waiting for me.

I put my bag up and sat down, a sweaty mess. How did I make this flight? I was 15 minutes from the airport when I realized I forgot my passport. Traffic was terrible getting back home and back out of town.

I could not believe it, yet also, I could.

It wasn’t luck, it was surrender. Surrender to go with the flow, that missed flights and non refundable Airbnbs are part of travel, and my plans may not be the Universe’s plans.

Oh well.

Mindset is key to travel. You have to keep a positive mindset, be open to abrupt change and remain calm, polite, and respectful to others. I could’ve freaked out with the security guard. I could’ve rolled my eyes at the moms.

But I just smiled, knowing I came this far and I would keep going. And keep going I did. All the way to Berlin.

Travel teaches you so much, but especially how insignificant your plans are in the grand scheme of things. When you stay open to the universe and its signs, you never know the hidden options you will see.

Does this experience sound familiar? A total disaster of trip. Unnecessarily stressful.

Have you struggled with lost plans, trip delays, annoying people and airport drama? Does stepping into an airport fill you with dread cause you’re anticipating all the stressful lines and what could go wrong?

If so, my free webinar is for you. Learn to travel the world with a 9-5 without stress and chaos, because you have a solid plan in place that will help you reach your destination. And if you don’t, you will also have the skills and mindset to deal with the aftermath if your plans go to awry.

The Universe will always support you, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time.

Sign up now at stan.store/serkelley and get on the list. We meet Wednesday, November 1st at 10 AM!

How to be happy

Whose job is it to keep you happy?

Being happy is such a loaded question, because happiness comes and goes and that’s totally ok. It’s ok to not be happy all the time. In fact, it’s healthy for you. We need to experience a broad range of emotions or else you will be emotionally stunted. Believe me, I know. Growing up in the Children of God cult I wasn’t allowed to display any emotions except that of happiness, joy, and obedience. I had no idea how to be sad, or how to be angry. It took me years of deprogramming to actually figure out what that meant for me, and how to express it.

But being happy, that’s different. We sometimes put happiness on this pedestal of the ultimate emotion to feel all the time. And yes, it is important. But it’s also a slippery slope, because as humans we seek comfort, we seek happiness, and we often seek these things outside of ourselves around within others or outside circumstances in order for us to feel it This is where it gets dangers.

It’s no one’s job to keep you safe, happy, healthy, successful, loved, calm, nourished, or satisfied. Yes, as a child this was the job of your parents. But if you are still looking for this in others, you have a long ways to go. Mostly like you are dealing with a wounded inner child that has not yet healed from your past traumas and is still looking outward for approval, protection, and love.

In order to provide happiness for yourself and stop seeking it from others, you need to address your wounded inner child, address the trauma and the feelings that keep bringing you back to your inner child seeking outside happiness and approval.

Once you address that, then you must reclaim the lost parts of yourself from your childhood that you discarded along the way. It’s important to bring those pieces back to you, so that you stop projecting onto others, stop seeing everyone else as the problem and expecting others to be responsible for your happiness, and start looking within yourself for your happiness, protection, love and satisfaction.

Only then, will you truly be happy. Only then will you be able to give yourself the things that you were desperately seeking from everyone else. And only then can you move on with your life, unbothered and untethered to other people, other circumstances, and events that had power over you and influenced whether you were happy or not.

When you let that go, you’ll truly be free and you’ll truly be happy. I know because I did it. And you can too.

What it means to "let go"

Throughout my life I’ve seen a lot of words, quotes, coaches, etc, talk about the importance of "letting go". I even started talking about it before I fully grasped the concept.

But saying "letting go" can be triggering, particularly for trauma survivors. When you say “let go”, you're telling them to let go of everything they worked to get HOLD OF in their recovery.

Letting go is also hard if you've grown up with a strict religion and the idea of a scary god. Or if you've put your trust in others (like those in power) & it backfired. The term becomes meaningless or even harmful.

So what is letting go, really?

Letting go is trusting you are supported by something greater than yourself. That you will find the courage to act at the right time, but not attached to any specific outcome. It does not mean letting go of life. It simply means you trust you are protected and guided, enough to put one foot in front of the other. A day at a time. This is how we live in peace & flow, connected to ourselves and intuition.

But how do you safely let go? In my 39 years of life, I've never heard a clear explanation until I came across Linda Howe, who provides a simple method.

Linda says the safest way of letting go is to put your trust in something dependable first. This could be anything from the cycles of the moon, plants that grow, planets in orbit, the sunrise, your vital organs working. Something tangible & reliable.

It has nothing to do with spirituality, it just has to be meaningful to you. What is that? Waves crashing on a beach? Birds flying in the sky? Literally anything that is a constant in your life, and there are many. You can let go into something you trust.

When you find that constant, relax into the idea there is a power for good at work in your life, and you can trust it without a second thought. Learn to trust what you can see, before trusting what you can't see. This is the safest way for your nervous system to begin to relax. Then, you can start to let go. Eventually, you won't have to keep letting go, because you’ll always be in flow, and at peace.

Then, you can start all that other spiritual stuff. Try it, and see how it works for you.

How to turn your stressors into strengths

I have been struuuuggggggling lately.

Not happy about where I'm at in life, stressed about not finding a place to live and a bit lost as to whether I even want to settle down or keep traveling.

All that stress and worry has affected my health. I've developed multiple health issues that could turn more serious if not attended too soon.

One of the main things I've struggled with from my childhood trauma is extreme anxiety and chronic stress. This is from me constantly trying to predict where danger will come from next so I could protect myself.

When you're in a constant state of fight or flight this affects everything from digestion, ability to focus, immunity, mental health, sleep, social life and...breath.

I feel my body tensing and not breathing. I see myself not eating and resorting back to caffeine to keep me going, making it even worse as that wrecks my adrenals and wreaks havoc on my body and digestive system.

When I'm in a downward spiral like this, one of the things that helps to get me out this funk is gratitude. And there is always so much to be thankful for!

I'm thankful for my family that has houses I can stay in when I get back to Texas. I have an amazing vehicle that allows me to travel the country and gives me no issues whatsoever. I have a healthy body that moves, can get up in the morning and heals quickly from disease. I have friends and family who support me. I have income I can rely on. And, how exciting that I don't have a home! The world is open to me and I can do and go wherever I want.

Turning stressors around to something beautiful is so key when you are going through hard times. I mean, how cool I don’t have anywhere to live, the entire world is open to me and I can go wherever I want!

The next time you've got a stressful issue or in a trauma spiral like I am, use Byron Katie's 4 questions to turn it around.

Ask yourself:
Is it true
Can I absolutely be sure it’s true
Who I am with this thought
Who am I without this thought
Now change the thought around

This technique works and will help put you into a better mental space right away. Try it while taking some deep breaths, and let me know how it goes.