I have to say, that as much as most people hated 2020, in hindsight it was actually a pretty great year for me. It was a year full of personal growth, exploration into alternate ways of life I never before considered, and a huge year of connecting, reconnecting, and disconnecting with various people in my life.
Although my Asia plans totally fell through, I was still able to travel all year, and visit places in a way I never would’ve considered, such as living in the New Mexico desert for five months. All in all I’m in a great place in life. I’ve figured out and learned SO many things about myself that I would’ve never known had it not been for COVID. I know exactly who I am and I’ve never been more aware of caring for myself and my mental health than I have ever before in my life.
It’s been hard to put myself before others because I’ve literally never done that in my life, but now that I’ve spent this year focusing and reassessing what’s important to me, I know how to navigate relationships in my life that are healthy, positive and not codependent. I feel that I’m in a position to handle much more than before and welcome better, stronger, and more valuable relationships for the future.
My word for 2020 was resilience, and I 100% accomplished that and nailed that goal.
I literally have no attachment to any plans for 2021. I’m ready to keep going with the flow and accepting that my plans are not always gonna happen, as sometimes those aren't the right plans for me. I’m also going to continue listening to my own inner voice and guidance, and stop letting other people’s opinions influence my goals and way of life.
Although it was hard at first, I actually wouldn’t change anything about this year. It happened exactly as it was meant to and I’m so grateful for it. Everyone who I connected and reconnected with this year, you were all part of that journey, and I thank you for it.
Whatever happens in 2021, I’m here for it.
One ring to rule them all… My child bride cult ring.
I was born as a child celebrity in the cult founder David Berg’s compound. He named me, wrote stories about me and I grew up basically promised to him from birth.
At 3 I was taken to David Berg by my own mother and presented as his child bride. Berg gave me a heart shaped ring way too big for my 3 yr old finger. He wrapped tape around the band until it fit, saying the ring was big on purpose so I could wear it forever. I still have the ring to this day and it fits on my pinkie finger.
That is sick. He put that much thought into how he could possess me for the rest of my life, and how he could ensure that the ring would fit me through adulthood. I still have it, and it still does.
The first photo at the top of the page is me wearing that ring as an adult.
Berg systematically broke down children, abused and trafficked them, then had his followers do the same. This was his way to control, a way to satiate his perverted mind that had also been control and abused as a child himself, by his own nanny. His mind was so far gone and so fucked up that he continued to inflict pain on thousands of people, the way pain was inflicted on him in his childhood.
What’s that saying again…hurt people hurt people, healed people heal people.
I still have the ring, yes. I keep in my possession, no one will ever know where, I don’t wear it but I also don’t feel the need to burn it. This ring is part of my story now, it’s part of my power and part of my path. It’s not Berg’s, and it never will be.
In the video on my previous post, I talk about being trafficked as a child in the infamous sex cult The Children of God, aka The Family.
Yes, trafficking is a harsh word. We think of children being grabbed off the street and chained to a bed and all kinds of horrible things happening to them. But if you look at the definition of child trafficking online, it paints a different picture.
The definition of child trafficking is the illegal movement of children for forced labor or sexual exploitation.
When I first read this definition, I was floored, because that literally described my life. If I could sum up my life in one sentence, it would literally be that.
So, I embarked on an even deeper healing journey, to learn more about child trafficking and all its nuances that we typically wouldn’t associate it with. Since then, I’ve talked to many of my fellow survivors about our childhood, and we’ve all slowly come to terms with the fact that yes, we were in fact, trafficked. It’s a hard pill to swallow at first, but something important when to acknowledge about our lives.
Photo info:
To the left is a photO of me at two years old, shortly before I received the ring on my 3rd birthday.
Below, you can see a photo of Berg, laying a hand on my pregnant mother’s belly, and inside that belly is me.
Second to the bottom is a picture of Berg’s cousin Mary Dear. He wrote a personal note to my mother about naming me after his cousin he was in love with. Mary Dear became my celebrity cult name and it’s in the cult publications.
A recent photo of me now, living life to the fullest and loving every second
Child trafficking is not always forcibly grabbing someone off the street, throwing them into a van and hiding them in a warehouse. Most of the time it’s far more covert and insidious. It’s low income families exchanging sexual favors for money. It’s sex cults who separate families & travel in the middle of the night to escape authorities looking for them. It’s the family down the street with the creepy uncle who always comes by when the parents are away but the kids are home. Or the family friend who brings money for the kids and the parents let them have special play time with. Or the masked kid walking down the street with the man grabbing their arm just a bit too forcefully.
These things are happening today all around us. Maybe to you or someone you know. This is a pandemic in our country of massive proportions and it’s only getting worse through generations. Research child trafficking in your area. The results may shock you.
Child Trafficking and why I'm talking about it
Child Trafficking and why I'm talking about it
In this video I explain why I'm talking about child trafficking, provide stats, why we should care, and my personal experience being trafficked in the sex cult The Children of God, something I've never talked about publicly before.
I'll continue to speak about this topic and supply as much credible information I can, and tips on how to look out for trafficked children and what you can do about it.
Why I stopped hating women
It wasn’t the women who were the issue…it was me.
I used to have this story in my head that I didn't get along with females, they were always in "competition" with me, they were bitches, not to be trusted, etc. All crap based on past experiences. Of course, what happened? The same females kept popping up in my life, reinforcing my negative beliefs.
I finally realized that I was the one that needed to change. While yes, I've been burned by female friends in the past and bullied while growing up, holding on to these negative memories only invited more of the same into my life.
It was only when I stopped judging and being jealous of other women did I start to find my tribe. I reconnected with old friends, let some old ones go, and in doing so found new ones with the space it created in my life.
I've connected with women both in person and online and it's been the most welcome surprise of the year. Best of all, I fully support them and they me.
Your tribe is out there, you just gotta be willing to go out and find it. Start with letting go of some old beliefs--maybe even some old friendships--in order to make space for new and better ones to find you.
If you wanna walk naked in the woods with someone else's dog, collect turkey feathers thinking it's from a hawk, do cartwheels on a main road with a gun strapped to you, climb a canyon everyday and take a full moon bath covered in mud, that's A-ok! The best part is, there are others who do the same.
Find your tribe and your sisterhood. Start supporting women and seeing them as allies rather than competition. Surround yourself with females that support and inspire you. And watch how fast your circle grows.
"Because there’s one thing stronger than magic. Sisterhood." ⭐⭐
Honoring the Feminine
I grew up in a cult where being feminine was not only encouraged but enforced.
Cutting your hair and dressing in shorts or pants were not allowed and if you did dress like that, you were shunned and punished for it.
I had no say in my life or body. I was treated as an object and sexually abused whenever any male felt like it, then punished for speaking out about it. I was taught that my purpose was to service men, have babies at 16 and be happy and thankful for any sexual encounter experienced. If I didn't like it, it was my own fault.
I lived my whole childhood in fear of sexual assaults, wishing I was a boy.
As I got to my teenage years I found safety in looking like a boy. I dressed like them, I got punished with them, & hid my female traits with baggy clothes and short hair.
While there is nothing wrong with dressing and looking this way, as I got older I felt I was doing myself a disservice resisting my feminine side. I was scared of embracing my own feminine power. I’ve always been a tomboy, had short hair and wear minimal make up. That’s just who I am. But on the inside I felt I needed a better balance between masculine and feminine. I knew I needed to let go of my childhood fears of appearing too feminine, too vulnerable, too "soft". In order to do that, however, I first had to work on healing my childhood traumas.
In 2019 I started a journey of getting back in touch with my feminine side. It was the year I started loving my body at whatever state it’s in, the year I truly started rooting for every female around me, the year I built my own beautiful female support group, and the year I started to step into my feminine energy to learn what it truly meant to be a woman, embrace my sexuality, my body, my powers and everything I and society tells you what's wrong with yourself.
Femininity comes in many forms. Sure, it's being comfortable in your own skin, but it's also embracing the flow of life, going through hardships and challenges and coming out not hardened but softer and kinder. It’s being in touch with your emotions, open to transformation and understand that you don’t have to do it all, it’s OK to ask and accept help. It's embracing what it means to be a woman. To own your sexuality, work with the feminine 30 day lunar cycle of the moon, not the masculine solar 24 hours cycle of the sun.
There is so much more I have to learn about my own feminine power. But every year I am able to look back and see how far I've come.
These pictures are not comparisons of before and after, but to show how we can grow, how we can learn, how we can evolve. It's to show that as humans it is our right and gift to be able to transform ourselves again and again.
My struggles with body dysmorphia
I was going through photos of myself when I found this one and went to delete it. I disliked this photo for several reasons:
1. Bad angle, makes my arms look fat and my boobs look small
2. Hair looks thin and scraggly
3. You can see my crooked teeth, a huge source of shame growing up
4. Wrinkles
I immediately noticed the insane negative self criticism and decided to take a good look at the photo until I got comfortable with it, and then posted it.
Growing up around women in Brazil with long hair, big boobs and lips, I was constantly bullied for my looks. I was tall, skinny and awkward. Kids would pull out chairs from under me and laugh when I fell, saying it was such a long way down for me to go. They’d tell me “You’re so skinny you can stand sideways behind a broomstick and disappear.”
When I went to my first teen camp in the cult at 16, everyone knew who I was & I thought people wanted to be my friends. At the end of the camp we all received T-shirts and signed our names on everyone's. Some of the girls I thought were my friends wrote things on the back of my shirt like: “Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?”
Of course I laughed this all off but deep down I was so hurt. I wasn’t like the others, I didn’t have big boobs and long hair. Guys didn’t look at me like they did my friends, so I decided I would be a tomboy and just be friends with all the boys instead. I hid my body and swam with t-shirts so no one would see my chest.
It took me over a decade of eating disorders, drugs, and body dysmorphia to finally get to a point where I stopped the self destruction and decided to treat my body as something sacred vs something despicable. Even so, I still have these thoughts.
I don’t want to look like everyone else. I don’t want to cut up my body and put things in it to change the outside when I feel awful on the inside. The best I can do is continue using this time to uncover those hidden thoughts about myself in order to grow, be stronger and (obvi) keep being the badass faerie dragon queen I am. I'm much happier that way anyway 👑🧚🏻♂️🐉
