Why horses are the best therapists

Reminiscing on my time at Healing with Horses Equine Mental Health Ranch, and the incredible lessons Caesar, the oldest horse on the ranch taught me before his death

During my 17 month stint back in Austin, I worked at horse ranch for equine mental health. First experiencing the work as a client then again as a volunteer and then as an equine mental health specialist, I was immediately hooked to the incredible healing power these amazing animals have.

Horses are some of the most empathic creatures on the planet. Not only can then sense you coming a mile away, but they can also feel your heart, can sense your breathing, and can tell the type of state you are in. Because of this, horses will often mirror their behavior on the outside, as what’s going on with you on the inside.

We may have seen horses bit, nip, buck, or run away from people, perhaps in movies, documentaries, or real life scenarios. What is really happening has nothing to do with the horse, but everything to do with you. Horses force you to slow down, take a breath, examine and understand the feelings that are coming up inside you, which then allows you to reassess your own behaviors and thoughts (which usually not at all what you think they were at first)

Such was the case with Ceasar, a 28 year old 2000 pound Belgian draft horse who had been doing therapy work for 20 years. He was one of the first horses I met back in summer of 2022 and one of the ones that made me realize how special and valuable this equine therapy is for people.

From the first moments of meeting Caesar, I knew he was special. Not only was he huge, but he was gentle, had a big personality, and knew he was king of the ranch. He would often come say hi to me and rub his nose into my chest, much like he’s doing in the above photo.

There was one instance with Caesar that changed everything. We were doing a breathing exercise in the arena together with several other students and volunteers. This was perhaps the 4th or 5th time I’d met Caesar. He began following me around the arena, and I began walking further away so as to give him space.

What ended up happening was that the more I retreated, the more he advanced, until I was up against a fence with him in front of me.

The most incredible Equine Assistant Amanda, came up to me and asked if I felt safe. Even though I was laughing it off, I had to admit to myself that no, I didn’t truly feel safe with a 2,000 pound horse pinning me against a fence.

Amanda asked why I thought I was in that position.

I told her that I kept leaving to give him space. But he kept coming.

She asked me where else in life I’d often do that. Abandon myself, leave, to allow space for others, rather than standing my ground.

Immediately a lightbulb went off. I’m a true flight person in trauma. I will leave when the going gets tough. or I will abandon myself to give others “space”. Immediately I knew that I was playing small, allowing others to walk all over me instead of stand my ground.

Amanda then gave me an exercise to stand my ground, make myself big, and be able to get this massive horse to back up for me. Just by me changing my stance, changing my energy and using simple arm movements. I got Caesar to back up, giving me space.

The next time walked back up to me, I didn’t budget. I stood my ground and when he got too close in my space, I moved my arms and stepped into his so he would back up.

That was the last time Caesar was ever in my space.

The next time I saw him, he greeted me like an old friend, the mutual respect felt by us both. Then he followed me around the ranch as I led him to his pen, his stall, then back again.

This horse was my greatest teach in 2022. Caesar taught me so much about myself, about standing my ground, about boundaries, confidence, mindfulness, trust, ease, letting go, and joy, in the short time I knew him.

At the end of December, 2022, Caesar had to be put down due to deteriorating health issues with old age.

As such, Caesar also taught me the importance of grief and letting go, and he still continues to teach me incredible lessons on life, survival, kindness, and compassion, far beyond his death.

I know there will never be another gentle giant like him.

I’ll always be grateful for the time we spent together and the many healing moments Caesar gave me while he was alive. What an incredible life he led and what an amazing healer for so many people. Horses truly are the best therapists.

If you want to know more about equine therapy for mental health, please send me a message. It’s one of the simplest yet most healing modalities I’ve ever experienced in my life compared to many techniques I’ve experimented with on my path to healing. And this is saying a lot because I have literally done it all. You name it, 100% I have tried it.

Cheers to you, Ceasar and congrats on a life well lived.

The value of a beginner's mind

How to approach everything with a beginner’s mindset

The Beginner’s Mind:

“The richness of the present-moment experience is the richness of life itself. Too often, we let our thinking and our beliefs about what we “know” prevent us from seeing things as they really are.

We tend to take the ordinary for granted and fail to grasp the extraordinariness of the ordinary.

To see the richness of the present moment we need to cultivate what has been called “beginner’s mind”, a mind that is willing to see everything as if for the first time.

An open “beginner’s mind” allows us to be receptive to new possibilities and prevents us from getting stuck in the rut of our own expertise, which often thinks it knows more then it does.

No moment is the same as any other. Each is unique and contains possibilities. “Beginner’s mind” reminds us of this simple truth.”

—Full Catastrophe Living, using the wisdom of your body and mind to face stress, pain, and illness. —Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D.

Working with horses the more and more I realize how little we truly know about ourselves and the world. The best approach I’ve learned that works both with horses and in life, is to enter everything with a beginner’s mind.

Leave your past experiences and beliefs at the door, and approach things with childlike curiosity. This allows me to truly grasp the extraordinariness of the ordinary, which then leads to new possibilities, mindsets and experiences.

No moment is the same as the other, We’re unique beings living on the same earth but going through completely different experiences and interpretations. Leave your expertise at the door and try approaching live with a beginner’s mind.

#extraordinaryordinary #extraordinaryordinaryjoy #beginnersmind #mysereneearth #extraordinaryordinarylife

What I wish I could tell my younger self

Looking back on why I spent so much time worrying about completely useless things

There are so many things I wish I could tell my younger self. The wounded child. Shy, introverted, scared, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually abused. The child bullied for her looks, a tall skinny white girl in the land of curvaceous Latinas in Central and South America. Who grew up thinking she was ugly, told she looked like a boy, so acted like a boy. Whose friends scrawled on the back of her shirt "Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?"

I wish I could tell my younger self it'll all be ok. Like, seriously. It’ll be ok. You’re learn that you’re worthy of love and respect. Also, you were never ugly, you just needed to believe you were beautiful, and fuck whatever others say, for real. Confidence will be your greatest accessory and no one will make you feel inferior without your consent. You will love every part of yourself, and from that love, you will learn to love others.

But seriously little Serena, you were never ugly! Just because people made you feel that way does not make it true. Don’t take everything and everyone so seriously. Also you’ll be naked a lot in your older life so chill out with the body issues. It’s all. In. Your. Head.

Who else wishes they could go back and tell themselves a simple message like this? I tell my inner child this all the time. When those seeds of doubt and comparison creep in, return to yourself, you source. It does not have to be hard. You don't need tapping and journaling and pure diets and meditation. Acknowledge the thoughts with compassion, then remind yourself feelings don't make it true. Just because someone said something or made you feel a certain way does not make it so. Fuck them all.

Then go take all the naked photos of yourself that you want.

An Ultrasound on myself

Got an ultrasound on myself for a physical. Here’s what happened after

I had a physical exam today and at first I walked in definitely not looking forward to it. As someone who prefers to trust my body to its own healing and not resort immediately to modern medicine, I came in with all these preconceived ideas of what my experience would be.

Instead, it ended up being nothing like what I had anticipated.

When I laid down having an ultrasound on myself, I listened to my own heartbeat. I watched on the gray screen my organs teeming with life inside my body, my blood pulse on the screen, and my arteries working perfectly, all communicating this information to my brain waves.

Watching this, in live time, something I take for granted every single day, I was immediately overcome with emotion and gratitude for this incredible body I was given.

While yes, I experienced minor health issues that hampered my travel plans, I’m so grateful for the treatment I’m getting and the way my body is healing. What a gift to be able to walk without worrying about breathing, to use my legs for transportation, my back for bending, lifting, turning, my arms for holding and to be able to sleep well, trusting my heart will keep pumping away while I’m not even conscious.

I found myself so grateful to be a woman and experience everything that it means. For my monthly cycle that lets me know my body is healthy and able to bring life into this world if I wanted. For the health I did have and the clear signals my body gives me when something is not right.

Rather than being annoyed, treating my body like a terrible inconvenience as I did in my 20s and early 30s, now every month I’m so thankful to see that my body is cycling as it should. What a blessing to bleed and not die. What an incredible gift of life and power. And what a blessing to be so in tune with my body that I can wake up, and know right away something isn’t right because one of my functions is not working in the way I’m used to.

This small experience today allowed me to connect deeper with my body in so much gratitude for her existence. I reminded me to treat her with so much more care and respect than before. To honor it, feed it good foods, make sure it’s getting proper movement and exercise, that my brain is functioning and being challenged.

It also reminded me how much more I should celebrate my body, rather than wait for something terrible to happen, then celebrate when my body crawls itself out of its predicament.

Rather than celebrating a new baby’s heartbeat, I’m going to celebrate my own, each and every day from now on.

What growing up in a sex cult taught me - Pt 2

Chosen family vs. blood family…what can we learn?

A peaceful walk in the seaside town of Cascais, Portugal

Your chosen family teaches you about love and care. Your blood family teaches you patience and forgiveness.

With yet another interview out about me, I’ve often been asked about the relationship with my parents.

To be honest, I never had a relationship with them. They did not raise me, and they were strangers to me as a child. They were also terrible parents and highly abusive. But they taught me valuable lessons about myself and the type of person I want to be. 

My parents are my greatest teachers. They taught me strength, adversity, empathy, compassion, kindness, vulnerability, authenticity, truthfulness, resilience, independence, and so much more. But most of all they taught me forgiveness and patience. Forgiveness to be able to set myself free from the terrible abuses of my childhood. Patience to allow them to show up as the people they are and understand that they will not change unless they want to. This is what my blood family has taught me.

My chosen family, however, taught me respect, camaraderie, community, confidence, sisterhood, support, overcoming, joy, friendship, trust, loyalty, communication, love, and care. They taught me what it means to have a true bond as either a friend, a partner, or mentor. From them I learned what healthy, loving, caring relationships looks like in the way they show up in the world for their own family, their friends, and me. 

Without true love, without knowing someone cares, what do we have? All we want is to be seen, heard, love, excepted, and respected. Without that we have nothing.

So I want to thank both my blood family and my chosen family for teaching me so much about life, about what it means to be human and providing me with so many valuable experiences and opportunities to learn and grow in this lifetime. It’s because of both my blood family and my chosen family that I am a better person today than I was just a year ago. 

I’m thankful for the pain and suffering I’ve felt through life because each time I refuse to let it bring me down, even though many times I wasn’t sure if I’d pull through. But I know that I can either allow the pain to help me grow and evolve, or I can wallow in it and sit around waiting for someone to save me.

 There was an interesting question I heard yesterday on The Diary of a CEO. And that was, if you had the ability to remove pain from life forever, would you? It took me awhile to ponder this question as with pain comes so much other stuff. Sickness, heartbreak, disease, mental issues, and more. So could I remove those as well?

i came to the conclusion similar to the interviewer. Which is that without pain, I don’t think we’d truly appreciate the joy. It would just be. We would probably go through life a bit numb, because everything is pain free. You must be alive to feel pain, and joy. That’s the balance of life. If I didn’t feel pain or suffering, I wouldn’t be alive. And I truly feel alive.

So thank you to my parents and the cult for teaching me about pain, teaching me about kindness, teaching me about healing. While I may not have wanted those lessons, I feel blessed that I was able to turn them into something valuable and beautiful, and for that I am grateful.

What growing up in a sex cult taught me - part 1

My new series What Growing up in a Sex Cult Taught me will be documented on this blog and on Instagram!

Me with my first book of Poetry, Sage of the Wild - Fairy Poems of Nature’s Healing

Now available for purchase at: https://stan.store/serkelley/p/sage-of-the-wild

When I made friends after leaving the cult I realized how ill prepared I was for the real world. So many of my friends had wonderful parents who cared about their future, taught them about finances, school, careers. Life lessons that I not only never received, but were discouraged to talk about.

The Children of God was a doomsday child trafficking p**ophile cult. I was raised to believe Jesus was coming back before I was 18 and I would probably die in the endtime, so why bother with education, I was going to die soon anyway. 

Rather than learning life skills, I begged on the streets & sang in restaurants to make money and win as many souls for Jesus before we were whisked away to heaven. 

At times I feel incredibly angry at the insane world I grew up in, & seeing my friends well prepared with parents who taught them life skills and values in order to succeed. Other times I realize I don’t give myself enough credit for building a life literally out of nowhere alone at 18.

Planning my escape from the cult, figuring out how to get a job, taking the GED because I didn’t exist in the USA school system, going to college, working full time, learning what the hell taxes were, what a credit card/bank account was & so much more, a crash course in life at 18. I have no choice but to give myself credit and grace I came this far.

My story is not special. It’s unique, yes, but the process is the same for all of us. We all have trauma we’re dealing with, shit to overcome, adjust & figure out.

Healing is not linear. You don’t reach a point where everything is good and you never struggle again. It’s a lifelong journey to the next phase & the next. This happens to all of us and we have to give ourselves grace.

Think of a time in your life you struggled. Where you felt alone, weren’t sure if you’d make it through, but kept going. You’re alive, right? That means you made it. And if you’re in the thick of it now, keep going. Feelings aren’t final, experiences aren’t forever, and life keeps going.

I’ve written my first poetry book about trauma healing through nature and I’ll be sharing it with you all soon. Stay tuned!