I grew up learning to be a people pleaser, punished for using my own voice and questioning cult teachings. So I learned at a young age to keep quiet. Don't rock the boat, stop with the questions, keep quiet if I disagree.
Unfortunately this translated into my adult life. While I'm certainly not a wallflower sitting silently in the corner, I've often found myself silent and not speaking up on extremely controversial issues for fear of going against the majority and being shunned.
I've seen a lot of people these days keeping silent on what's going on simply because they have different views than the majority. On the other hand I've seen a handful of people unafraid to speak their mind & go against the majority to show more than two sides, more than black-and-white, and more than what we're seeing. 😦
I have more respect for those few people than I do for the hundreds of others who aren't saying anything different. It doesn't matter what their beliefs are, they know where they stand and they don't care about the majority. ♥
These people taught me about resilience and toughening up. This doesn't mean hardening my heart, but changing my mindset from appeasing and defending to standing by my convictions and beliefs.
There will forever be a little girl inside of me just wants to be liked and accepted. It may seem easier just being nice, but those days are gone. I learned that I can't always be liked, but I can always be respected. 🌠
So I decided I'd much rather be respected than liked. 💯
Survival of the Fittest vs. Survival of the Nurtured
“We are not the survival of the fittest, we are the survival of the nurtured. Those who are nurtured best, survive best.” ~Louis Cozolino
Louis Cozolino is an attachment scientist and professor of psychology at Pepperdine University. He says that nurturing is the key to survival, and without it we carry a lack of trust, empathy and compassion into future relationships.
Many of us didn’t grow up in a nurturing environment, and because of that, we have to learn to nurture ourselves. No one is coming to save us, but the good news is that it’s never too late to learn how to nurture and create secure attachments for ourselves.
We can learn to self mother and self soothe by practicing mindfulness and self-compassion, and by doing things that made us feel safe, happy and secure as a child. For me, that’s going out in nature daily. 👍👍
Practicing what makes us feel safe helps change our nervous system from anxious and vigilant (fight or flight) to a calmer, connected state of homeostasis.
You’re never too old to nurture yourself!
It's all about YOU!
It's your life, it's your journey, it's your experiences. It's time to make it about you and stop listening to what others have to say about your journey.
One of the surprising effects of trauma recovery is realizing you've been afraid of pretty much everything, as soon as the traumatic experience occurred. This means fear of judgment, of taking risks, doing what you want, of speaking up, setting boundaries, self care, etc.
I used to never speak up, go against the majority or voice my opinions because I was afraid of people getting angry and afraid of conflict. I always did everything to keep the peace at the expense of myself as I was afraid someone else would suffer in my place. This is a huge effect of trauma, but something masked as being "unselfish" or "caring" and we label those who put themselves first as selfish.
You cannot take care of others unless you take care of yourself first. Living a sacrificial life, crucifying yourself to put others first is not how you heal or grow.
I'm so sick of the "it's not about you" gaslighting technique many people use when they see you're finally taking care of yourself and putting yourself first. Narcissistic people will often say this, which, if you're an empath like me, can make you think "am I being selfish?" Then you start backpedaling, getting defensive and respond with "I know, it's about X, not me." You may even change in order to "prove" you know it's not about you. This is gaslighting at its finest.
News flash, it is about you. It's about your healing, your mental health, your life, and your happiness.
I say this because this is the main thing I've been working on this year. Fear of putting myself first. And fear of overcoming my fear, because how will people view the new me? How will they judge me? I needed to stop viewing myself as selfish for putting myself first and get my priorities in order.
Everything you're afraid of is rooted in past trauma. When you break from trauma you heal your fear, because you healed the relationship to the fear. And I can show you how.
Do not be afraid to draw those boundaries. Do not be afraid to be selfish. Do not be afraid of conflict and other people's judgment about how you're healing and living your life. Most of all, do not be afraid to put yourself first because YES, it is about YOU!