Recently I was told from someone in Hollywood that my life would be a great movie, especially if I was a different race. I was told it would be more "impactful", "powerful" and more inclusive. I was then told if I disagreed, maybe it was because I hated other races. Interesting what the world has come to and how people come to conclusions and assumptions of others.
My story is about me, a white woman, and my experiences in a cult. Cults that are notoriously known for recruiting white people. If I was black, my story would be completely different. If someone played me as a black actor, it would be fictional. Literally none of my experiences would be the same, and vice versa.
Your story will not be more impactful if you were different race. Your story will not be better, more powerful or more inclusive if you changed your appearance, race, or culture. Your story made you who you are and no one else can take that away from you. Not people in Hollywood, not your woke friends or well meaning strangers.
Women are always told they're not enough, or that if they "just had" this and this, they would be better. In my 20s I was constantly told if I "just had" bigger boobs and lips I'd be perfect. Well I don't, and I'm cool with that. I'm my own person, with my own story, and my own looks. That's who I am, and I'm not letting anyone take that away from me.
You only have one story. Don't sell it short, let others cheapen your experiences or think you are less than because you don't fit the mold of what they think your life should be. Your life is yours and yours alone, and that's what makes you unique as an individual.
Own it.
My current struggles and the relationships with my parents
Addressing the remorseless apologies survivors have received by the cult leaders, my honest feelings about my parents, and a word to those who choose to blame victims rather than the perpetrators.
It's never easy to talk about my personal life. Many people have assumed things about me but never asked. I hope this video clears up any misconceptions and shows that like others, I still battle with my demons every day. But, because of my healing journey, I have the tools and support I need to get me through, keep going, and keep growing.
There is one thing I would like to clarify in this video. While yes, at times it feels like it would be easier if my parents were dead, in doing Byron Katie's "The Work", I need to ask myself the four questions:
1. Is it true? At times it feels like it
2. Can I absolutely know this is true? No, I cannot. There is no way for me to know if my life would be easier, I can only assume
3. Who am I with this thought? Someone who assumes she knows what's best for her life and the life of others, who tries to control outcomes and becomes stressed, bitter and resentful.
4. Who am I without this thought? Peaceful, free, someone who is not trying to control the outcome and understands that everything is happening exactly as it should.
I truly do not know what's best for my life, and this is important for me to emphasize. We think we know what's best for us, but in hindsight, so many things we thought were good for us turned out to be wrong, and vice versa.
The things I teach others and talk about are the things I always apply to my own life, and this is a great example.
Why 2020 was my best year yet
I have to say, that as much as most people hated 2020, in hindsight it was actually a pretty great year for me. It was a year full of personal growth, exploration into alternate ways of life I never before considered, and a huge year of connecting, reconnecting, and disconnecting with various people in my life.
Although my Asia plans totally fell through, I was still able to travel all year, and visit places in a way I never would’ve considered, such as living in the New Mexico desert for five months. All in all I’m in a great place in life. I’ve figured out and learned SO many things about myself that I would’ve never known had it not been for COVID. I know exactly who I am and I’ve never been more aware of caring for myself and my mental health than I have ever before in my life.
It’s been hard to put myself before others because I’ve literally never done that in my life, but now that I’ve spent this year focusing and reassessing what’s important to me, I know how to navigate relationships in my life that are healthy, positive and not codependent. I feel that I’m in a position to handle much more than before and welcome better, stronger, and more valuable relationships for the future.
My word for 2020 was resilience, and I 100% accomplished that and nailed that goal.
I literally have no attachment to any plans for 2021. I’m ready to keep going with the flow and accepting that my plans are not always gonna happen, as sometimes those aren't the right plans for me. I’m also going to continue listening to my own inner voice and guidance, and stop letting other people’s opinions influence my goals and way of life.
Although it was hard at first, I actually wouldn’t change anything about this year. It happened exactly as it was meant to and I’m so grateful for it. Everyone who I connected and reconnected with this year, you were all part of that journey, and I thank you for it.
Whatever happens in 2021, I’m here for it.
One ring to rule them all… My child bride cult ring.
I was born as a child celebrity in the cult founder David Berg’s compound. He named me, wrote stories about me and I grew up basically promised to him from birth.
At 3 I was taken to David Berg by my own mother and presented as his child bride. Berg gave me a heart shaped ring way too big for my 3 yr old finger. He wrapped tape around the band until it fit, saying the ring was big on purpose so I could wear it forever. I still have the ring to this day and it fits on my pinkie finger.
That is sick. He put that much thought into how he could possess me for the rest of my life, and how he could ensure that the ring would fit me through adulthood. I still have it, and it still does.
The first photo at the top of the page is me wearing that ring as an adult.
Berg systematically broke down children, abused and trafficked them, then had his followers do the same. This was his way to control, a way to satiate his perverted mind that had also been control and abused as a child himself, by his own nanny. His mind was so far gone and so fucked up that he continued to inflict pain on thousands of people, the way pain was inflicted on him in his childhood.
What’s that saying again…hurt people hurt people, healed people heal people.
I still have the ring, yes. I keep in my possession, no one will ever know where, I don’t wear it but I also don’t feel the need to burn it. This ring is part of my story now, it’s part of my power and part of my path. It’s not Berg’s, and it never will be.
In the video on my previous post, I talk about being trafficked as a child in the infamous sex cult The Children of God, aka The Family.
Yes, trafficking is a harsh word. We think of children being grabbed off the street and chained to a bed and all kinds of horrible things happening to them. But if you look at the definition of child trafficking online, it paints a different picture.
The definition of child trafficking is the illegal movement of children for forced labor or sexual exploitation.
When I first read this definition, I was floored, because that literally described my life. If I could sum up my life in one sentence, it would literally be that.
So, I embarked on an even deeper healing journey, to learn more about child trafficking and all its nuances that we typically wouldn’t associate it with. Since then, I’ve talked to many of my fellow survivors about our childhood, and we’ve all slowly come to terms with the fact that yes, we were in fact, trafficked. It’s a hard pill to swallow at first, but something important when to acknowledge about our lives.
Photo info:
To the left is a photO of me at two years old, shortly before I received the ring on my 3rd birthday.
Below, you can see a photo of Berg, laying a hand on my pregnant mother’s belly, and inside that belly is me.
Second to the bottom is a picture of Berg’s cousin Mary Dear. He wrote a personal note to my mother about naming me after his cousin he was in love with. Mary Dear became my celebrity cult name and it’s in the cult publications.
A recent photo of me now, living life to the fullest and loving every second
Child trafficking is not always forcibly grabbing someone off the street, throwing them into a van and hiding them in a warehouse. Most of the time it’s far more covert and insidious. It’s low income families exchanging sexual favors for money. It’s sex cults who separate families & travel in the middle of the night to escape authorities looking for them. It’s the family down the street with the creepy uncle who always comes by when the parents are away but the kids are home. Or the family friend who brings money for the kids and the parents let them have special play time with. Or the masked kid walking down the street with the man grabbing their arm just a bit too forcefully.
These things are happening today all around us. Maybe to you or someone you know. This is a pandemic in our country of massive proportions and it’s only getting worse through generations. Research child trafficking in your area. The results may shock you.
Child Trafficking and why I'm talking about it
Child Trafficking and why I'm talking about it
In this video I explain why I'm talking about child trafficking, provide stats, why we should care, and my personal experience being trafficked in the sex cult The Children of God, something I've never talked about publicly before.
I'll continue to speak about this topic and supply as much credible information I can, and tips on how to look out for trafficked children and what you can do about it.
Why I stopped hating women
It wasn’t the women who were the issue…it was me.
I used to have this story in my head that I didn't get along with females, they were always in "competition" with me, they were bitches, not to be trusted, etc. All crap based on past experiences. Of course, what happened? The same females kept popping up in my life, reinforcing my negative beliefs.
I finally realized that I was the one that needed to change. While yes, I've been burned by female friends in the past and bullied while growing up, holding on to these negative memories only invited more of the same into my life.
It was only when I stopped judging and being jealous of other women did I start to find my tribe. I reconnected with old friends, let some old ones go, and in doing so found new ones with the space it created in my life.
I've connected with women both in person and online and it's been the most welcome surprise of the year. Best of all, I fully support them and they me.
Your tribe is out there, you just gotta be willing to go out and find it. Start with letting go of some old beliefs--maybe even some old friendships--in order to make space for new and better ones to find you.
If you wanna walk naked in the woods with someone else's dog, collect turkey feathers thinking it's from a hawk, do cartwheels on a main road with a gun strapped to you, climb a canyon everyday and take a full moon bath covered in mud, that's A-ok! The best part is, there are others who do the same.
Find your tribe and your sisterhood. Start supporting women and seeing them as allies rather than competition. Surround yourself with females that support and inspire you. And watch how fast your circle grows.
"Because there’s one thing stronger than magic. Sisterhood." ⭐⭐