I've learned to accept something about myself recently, which is I cannot make up my mind about anything until the last minute. It's not that I make bad choices, but decision making literally gives me anxiety. I think waaaay too much about the consequences of each choice and construct huge stories far into the future about what could happen with each decision. Because of that it stresses me out and makes me a bit neurotic.
I've been trying to figure out the next steps for my life now for months and I'm just realizing that I'm not super into long term planning, much less making plans and sticking to it. When you give people your word and back out, that's breaking promises to yourself and reinforcing beliefs that you can't reach goals because you never follow through. So unless I'm serious about a plan, I'll either say no or leave it at a "maybe" until the last minute.
I used to think that this was a horrible quality and I'm sure that's true for some people, but I realized that as an air sign, like the air I will always change direction, I will always change course, and I will always change my mind. Now that I'm cool with that, I feel like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Also realizing my decisions are not wrong, they're just last minute ;)
I used to hate when people would ask at a job interview or in general what my five or 10 year plan is. I would panic and think, "that sounds awful, I literally have no idea what I’m doing in the next month, much less in five or 10 years because my plan is going to change 50,000 times before that!"
Now I realize it’s perfectly fine not to have a five or 10 year plan because they never go according to plan anyway.
Your plan is not the Universe's plans. The less attached you are to specific plans or outcomes, the more flexible you'll be and less chaotic you'll feel when all your plans fall through.
Understanding this for me means I can go where I'm meant at the last minute, change my plans whenever I want and not freak out when nothing works out. There's always a better way, I just need to accept, go with the flow, and find it.
Who else feels this way? Let me know in the comments below 👇
Would my story be better if I was a different race?
Recently I was told from someone in Hollywood that my life would be a great movie, especially if I was a different race. I was told it would be more "impactful", "powerful" and more inclusive. I was then told if I disagreed, maybe it was because I hated other races. Interesting what the world has come to and how people come to conclusions and assumptions of others.
My story is about me, a white woman, and my experiences in a cult. Cults that are notoriously known for recruiting white people. If I was black, my story would be completely different. If someone played me as a black actor, it would be fictional. Literally none of my experiences would be the same, and vice versa.
Your story will not be more impactful if you were different race. Your story will not be better, more powerful or more inclusive if you changed your appearance, race, or culture. Your story made you who you are and no one else can take that away from you. Not people in Hollywood, not your woke friends or well meaning strangers.
Women are always told they're not enough, or that if they "just had" this and this, they would be better. In my 20s I was constantly told if I "just had" bigger boobs and lips I'd be perfect. Well I don't, and I'm cool with that. I'm my own person, with my own story, and my own looks. That's who I am, and I'm not letting anyone take that away from me.
You only have one story. Don't sell it short, let others cheapen your experiences or think you are less than because you don't fit the mold of what they think your life should be. Your life is yours and yours alone, and that's what makes you unique as an individual.
Own it.
My current struggles and the relationships with my parents
Addressing the remorseless apologies survivors have received by the cult leaders, my honest feelings about my parents, and a word to those who choose to blame victims rather than the perpetrators.
It's never easy to talk about my personal life. Many people have assumed things about me but never asked. I hope this video clears up any misconceptions and shows that like others, I still battle with my demons every day. But, because of my healing journey, I have the tools and support I need to get me through, keep going, and keep growing.
There is one thing I would like to clarify in this video. While yes, at times it feels like it would be easier if my parents were dead, in doing Byron Katie's "The Work", I need to ask myself the four questions:
1. Is it true? At times it feels like it
2. Can I absolutely know this is true? No, I cannot. There is no way for me to know if my life would be easier, I can only assume
3. Who am I with this thought? Someone who assumes she knows what's best for her life and the life of others, who tries to control outcomes and becomes stressed, bitter and resentful.
4. Who am I without this thought? Peaceful, free, someone who is not trying to control the outcome and understands that everything is happening exactly as it should.
I truly do not know what's best for my life, and this is important for me to emphasize. We think we know what's best for us, but in hindsight, so many things we thought were good for us turned out to be wrong, and vice versa.
The things I teach others and talk about are the things I always apply to my own life, and this is a great example.
Why 2020 was my best year yet
I have to say, that as much as most people hated 2020, in hindsight it was actually a pretty great year for me. It was a year full of personal growth, exploration into alternate ways of life I never before considered, and a huge year of connecting, reconnecting, and disconnecting with various people in my life.
Although my Asia plans totally fell through, I was still able to travel all year, and visit places in a way I never would’ve considered, such as living in the New Mexico desert for five months. All in all I’m in a great place in life. I’ve figured out and learned SO many things about myself that I would’ve never known had it not been for COVID. I know exactly who I am and I’ve never been more aware of caring for myself and my mental health than I have ever before in my life.
It’s been hard to put myself before others because I’ve literally never done that in my life, but now that I’ve spent this year focusing and reassessing what’s important to me, I know how to navigate relationships in my life that are healthy, positive and not codependent. I feel that I’m in a position to handle much more than before and welcome better, stronger, and more valuable relationships for the future.
My word for 2020 was resilience, and I 100% accomplished that and nailed that goal.
I literally have no attachment to any plans for 2021. I’m ready to keep going with the flow and accepting that my plans are not always gonna happen, as sometimes those aren't the right plans for me. I’m also going to continue listening to my own inner voice and guidance, and stop letting other people’s opinions influence my goals and way of life.
Although it was hard at first, I actually wouldn’t change anything about this year. It happened exactly as it was meant to and I’m so grateful for it. Everyone who I connected and reconnected with this year, you were all part of that journey, and I thank you for it.
Whatever happens in 2021, I’m here for it.
One ring to rule them all… My child bride cult ring.
I was born as a child celebrity in the cult founder David Berg’s compound. He named me, wrote stories about me and I grew up basically promised to him from birth.
At 3 I was taken to David Berg by my own mother and presented as his child bride. Berg gave me a heart shaped ring way too big for my 3 yr old finger. He wrapped tape around the band until it fit, saying the ring was big on purpose so I could wear it forever. I still have the ring to this day and it fits on my pinkie finger.
That is sick. He put that much thought into how he could possess me for the rest of my life, and how he could ensure that the ring would fit me through adulthood. I still have it, and it still does.
The first photo at the top of the page is me wearing that ring as an adult.
Berg systematically broke down children, abused and trafficked them, then had his followers do the same. This was his way to control, a way to satiate his perverted mind that had also been control and abused as a child himself, by his own nanny. His mind was so far gone and so fucked up that he continued to inflict pain on thousands of people, the way pain was inflicted on him in his childhood.
What’s that saying again…hurt people hurt people, healed people heal people.
I still have the ring, yes. I keep in my possession, no one will ever know where, I don’t wear it but I also don’t feel the need to burn it. This ring is part of my story now, it’s part of my power and part of my path. It’s not Berg’s, and it never will be.
In the video on my previous post, I talk about being trafficked as a child in the infamous sex cult The Children of God, aka The Family.
Yes, trafficking is a harsh word. We think of children being grabbed off the street and chained to a bed and all kinds of horrible things happening to them. But if you look at the definition of child trafficking online, it paints a different picture.
The definition of child trafficking is the illegal movement of children for forced labor or sexual exploitation.
When I first read this definition, I was floored, because that literally described my life. If I could sum up my life in one sentence, it would literally be that.
So, I embarked on an even deeper healing journey, to learn more about child trafficking and all its nuances that we typically wouldn’t associate it with. Since then, I’ve talked to many of my fellow survivors about our childhood, and we’ve all slowly come to terms with the fact that yes, we were in fact, trafficked. It’s a hard pill to swallow at first, but something important when to acknowledge about our lives.
Photo info:
To the left is a photO of me at two years old, shortly before I received the ring on my 3rd birthday.
Below, you can see a photo of Berg, laying a hand on my pregnant mother’s belly, and inside that belly is me.
Second to the bottom is a picture of Berg’s cousin Mary Dear. He wrote a personal note to my mother about naming me after his cousin he was in love with. Mary Dear became my celebrity cult name and it’s in the cult publications.
A recent photo of me now, living life to the fullest and loving every second
Child trafficking is not always forcibly grabbing someone off the street, throwing them into a van and hiding them in a warehouse. Most of the time it’s far more covert and insidious. It’s low income families exchanging sexual favors for money. It’s sex cults who separate families & travel in the middle of the night to escape authorities looking for them. It’s the family down the street with the creepy uncle who always comes by when the parents are away but the kids are home. Or the family friend who brings money for the kids and the parents let them have special play time with. Or the masked kid walking down the street with the man grabbing their arm just a bit too forcefully.
These things are happening today all around us. Maybe to you or someone you know. This is a pandemic in our country of massive proportions and it’s only getting worse through generations. Research child trafficking in your area. The results may shock you.
Child Trafficking and why I'm talking about it
Child Trafficking and why I'm talking about it
In this video I explain why I'm talking about child trafficking, provide stats, why we should care, and my personal experience being trafficked in the sex cult The Children of God, something I've never talked about publicly before.
I'll continue to speak about this topic and supply as much credible information I can, and tips on how to look out for trafficked children and what you can do about it.
