Learning about love

Understanding what Love is releasing my hatred of the word.

Recently I learned more about what love is. I always thought Love was a tangible thing and something to be measured, like love for your friends, your family, etc.

I cringe when people say "love is all you need." This belief was forced on me in the cult, followed by beatings and abuse of all kinds. I was told this abuse was happening because that person loved me. I equated love with pain and ran from any love that didn't seem painful.

I thought I didn't know what love meant as I'm not married, I don't have kids, so I felt my love was stunted. I resigned myself to the fact that I may never know real love, based on the above assessment. But these are all conditional things like desire, passion, allure, infatuation, all of which fades.

But love is so much more than that.

Love is in everything around us. The air we breathe, the ground we walk on, the stick on the ground, the leaf on the tree. Love is in you, me, and everyone, because we are all love and love is all of us. It's unconditional and unchanging. The painful and the joyful, there is love in everything, we just have to choose it.

If we all chose love, there would be no more suffering, only peace. But you have to always choose to return to love, and that's hard part. Choosing love is so much harder than choosing hate and wanting others to suffer like you do. But in the end, everyone wants love, and everyone wants peace. So why not choose that path?

These days I'm choosing to see things differently. I'm choosing to return to love, again and again.

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace."
--Jimi Hendrix

When do you feel most free and like yourself?

When I was in New Mexico away from people, cities, politics, and distractions, it allowed me to figure out who I was, when I most felt like myself, what made me come alive and most importantly, when I felt most connected to my higher self.

There are always areas in our lives where we shine, when we feel most connected and most like ourselves. For me, that's being out in nature without anyone else around. The feeling of total freedom, being connected to mother earth, completely unafraid of anything, is the most profound feeling ever. I thought I was alive before, but I didn't really know what that meant until got rid of all the things I thought I needed to feel that way.

We're all different, and we connect to our deepest self and our hearts in all kinds of ways. I'm curious to hear from all of you: what makes you feel most alive? When do you feel most connected to your highest self? When do you feel most inspired and what contributes to that inspiration? Let me know in the comments below!

Society's skewed version of sexuality

I'm seeing a lot of comments on social media that are, surprisingly but also maybe not surprisingly--almost mocking the fact that Netflix was indicted by the grand jury in Texas for the lewd depiction of children in the show Cuties. People are saying it's not that bad, this is all due to conspiracy theorists and getting blown way out of proportion.

Interestingly enough, some of these people are the ones criticizing me and others for having nudity on their page. Let's just pause for a sec at these ridiculous contradictions and the hypocrisy of it all...

Newsflash! The sexualization of children is NOT normal. Images and film depicting "cute kids" in "cute outfits", shaking their butts and twerking on stage at 9 years old is NOT ok and there are NO circumstances where this is appropriate.

Guess what is normal? A 37 yr old woman who knows herself, doesn't stand for people's bullshit, who is proud of & celebrates her body in its natural form, who has gone through horrendous amounts of sexual abuse and trauma, only to come out the other side perfectly healed with a healthy sense of sexuality, showing off her body in an artful way on social media, just the way she wants to. Shocking? Maybe to some, but certainly not wrong.

I can't believe the state of the world sometimes and its skewed view on sexuality. How anyone can think that a grown woman posting beautiful photos on social media is not OK, while a disgusting show on Netflix with underage twerking children is fine, is beyond me. Something normal and natural like images of women showing their bodies or nursing their children, are censored online all the time, while the sexualization of children remains all over TV and Social Media. Guys, we can do so much better as a nation and so much better together.

Your reaction to other people's actions and what they're doing with their lives says far more about you than the other person. I would suggest we all examine our morals, our beliefs, and our thoughts to see where they are coming from and how they are being influenced. What you find may surprise you.

#nudaisnormal #nakedinnature #sereneearth #skewedperspective #cancelcuties #childabuseawareness #bodybyhiking

Accepting the things I cannot change...about myself

I've learned to accept something about myself recently, which is I cannot make up my mind about anything until the last minute. It's not that I make bad choices, but decision making literally gives me anxiety. I think waaaay too much about the consequences of each choice and construct huge stories far into the future about what could happen with each decision. Because of that it stresses me out and makes me a bit neurotic.

I've been trying to figure out the next steps for my life now for months and I'm just realizing that I'm not super into long term planning, much less making plans and sticking to it. When you give people your word and back out, that's breaking promises to yourself and reinforcing beliefs that you can't reach goals because you never follow through. So unless I'm serious about a plan, I'll either say no or leave it at a "maybe" until the last minute.

I used to think that this was a horrible quality and I'm sure that's true for some people, but I realized that as an air sign, like the air I will always change direction, I will always change course, and I will always change my mind. Now that I'm cool with that, I feel like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Also realizing my decisions are not wrong, they're just last minute ;)

I used to hate when people would ask at a job interview or in general what my five or 10 year plan is. I would panic and think, "that sounds awful, I literally have no idea what I’m doing in the next month, much less in five or 10 years because my plan is going to change 50,000 times before that!"

Now I realize it’s perfectly fine not to have a five or 10 year plan because they never go according to plan anyway.

Your plan is not the Universe's plans. The less attached you are to specific plans or outcomes, the more flexible you'll be and less chaotic you'll feel when all your plans fall through.

Understanding this for me means I can go where I'm meant at the last minute, change my plans whenever I want and not freak out when nothing works out. There's always a better way, I just need to accept, go with the flow, and find it.

Who else feels this way? Let me know in the comments below 👇

Would my story be better if I was a different race?

Recently I was told from someone in Hollywood that my life would be a great movie, especially if I was a different race. I was told it would be more "impactful", "powerful" and more inclusive. I was then told if I disagreed, maybe it was because I hated other races. Interesting what the world has come to and how people come to conclusions and assumptions of others.

My story is about me, a white woman, and my experiences in a cult. Cults that are notoriously known for recruiting white people. If I was black, my story would be completely different. If someone played me as a black actor, it would be fictional. Literally none of my experiences would be the same, and vice versa.

Your story will not be more impactful if you were different race. Your story will not be better, more powerful or more inclusive if you changed your appearance, race, or culture. Your story made you who you are and no one else can take that away from you. Not people in Hollywood, not your woke friends or well meaning strangers.

Women are always told they're not enough, or that if they "just had" this and this, they would be better. In my 20s I was constantly told if I "just had" bigger boobs and lips I'd be perfect. Well I don't, and I'm cool with that. I'm my own person, with my own story, and my own looks. That's who I am, and I'm not letting anyone take that away from me.

You only have one story. Don't sell it short, let others cheapen your experiences or think you are less than because you don't fit the mold of what they think your life should be. Your life is yours and yours alone, and that's what makes you unique as an individual.

Own it.

My current struggles and the relationships with my parents

Addressing the remorseless apologies survivors have received by the cult leaders, my honest feelings about my parents, and a word to those who choose to blame victims rather than the perpetrators.

It's never easy to talk about my personal life. Many people have assumed things about me but never asked. I hope this video clears up any misconceptions and shows that like others, I still battle with my demons every day. But, because of my healing journey, I have the tools and support I need to get me through, keep going, and keep growing.

There is one thing I would like to clarify in this video. While yes, at times it feels like it would be easier if my parents were dead, in doing Byron Katie's "The Work", I need to ask myself the four questions:

1. Is it true? At times it feels like it

2. Can I absolutely know this is true? No, I cannot. There is no way for me to know if my life would be easier, I can only assume

3. Who am I with this thought? Someone who assumes she knows what's best for her life and the life of others, who tries to control outcomes and becomes stressed, bitter and resentful.

4. Who am I without this thought? Peaceful, free, someone who is not trying to control the outcome and understands that everything is happening exactly as it should.

I truly do not know what's best for my life, and this is important for me to emphasize. We think we know what's best for us, but in hindsight, so many things we thought were good for us turned out to be wrong, and vice versa.

The things I teach others and talk about are the things I always apply to my own life, and this is a great example.