Survivor's Guilt and PTSD...is it real?

Understanding the link between survivor’s guilt, PTSD, and when others reinforce the beliefs in you

I read a great blog post from Amen University where I got my Brain Health Coaching certification from. In it, it talks about survivor’s guilt and what people go through after coming out of a tragic experience better than others.

According to Amen University, survivor’s guilt is often considered a serious symptom of PTSD. They say:

“While not everyone who endures a traumatic event will develop PTSD, some research estimates that as many as 90% of people who lived through events where others died experience feelings of guilt. They may question their own survival and feel a sense of responsibility for what happened:

• Why did my buddy get killed, but not me?

• Why did I run away from it?

• Why didn’t I do more to save others?

• What could I have done to prevent this tragedy?”

This one hits home to me all the time and really for anyone who has survived a tragic event when others didn't, or your experiences were different than others who survived the same tragedy.

For my personal experience growing up in the cult, I'm constantly attacked and demonized for talking about my experiences, sometimes from people very close to me. The accusations are always the same:

• "You didn't have it as bad as me!" (indicating my trauma and experiences don't count because theirs were "worse" in their mind)

• "You're a liar!" (indicating because my experiences were different, then I certainly must be lying)

• "You're embellishing!" (exaggerating my trauma to make is seem worse, but it can't be worse, cause theirs is worse)

• "You're a narcissist!" (indicating that because I'm talking about myself, I must not care about anyone else. Hint for this one: only narcissists call other people narcissists)

These words are not only deeply harmful to survivors but dangers and divisive. Rather than supporting those who are coming out to speak about their experiences, we're quick to blame, point the finger, and shut them down.

I was attacked so much from this that I actually began to believe it. This led to so much guilt that I had nothing to complain about because "so and so had it worse than me". This led me down a dark path of shame, silence, depression, and repressed anger.

Now that I'm speaking up about my life, these attacks are old news and SO 2019. But survivors guilt is real, ya'll. From war, to abuse, to car wrecks, to natural disasters, we CANNOT control what happens in our life or how we survive (or don't survive) it.

This article from Amen Clinics explains the link to survivor's guilt and PTSD, the common symptoms and how to heal from it. This was key in my path to recovery, and I know it can help others.

https://www.amenclinics.com/blog/understanding-the-relationship-between-survivors-guilt-and-ptsd/

Reflecting on my transformation over the past year

The past year and a half has been the most transformative of my life. I’ve stopped lying about my past & not only come to accept it, but learned to turn that pain into power, changing the question of “what happened to me?” Into, “What can I do with what happened to me?”

I’m now I’m able to help others heal and move forward from trauma and experiences that have held them back their entire life. I’m in a place of peace and happiness in my life, taking no shit from others and living exactly how I please.

Of course, this road hasn’t been without challenges. I’ve been viciously attacked, both by strangers & people close to me.

Here’s some things I’ve been called in the past year:

Narcissist
Liar
Pedophile sympathizer
Dangerous
Mentally ill
Needs electro therapy
Trying to get attention
Pathetic
Dumb/stupid
Brainwashed
Should be in jail
.... to name a few

I won’t lie and say these things haven’t hurt me. It’s awful to be targeted by strangers, & worse by people I know. But the good thing about healing is learning to accept not only all possible realities of yourself, but using it to your advantage. That's what shadow work is.

Shadow work involves going into the deepest, darkest places of yourself, and not just looking into it, but sitting with it, getting real comfortable with the uncomfort, until it just becomes a part of you.

These days if I’m bothered when people call me things, I know that on some level I must think it’s true. When you go into your shadow, accepting ALL possible realities of yourself, NOTHING anyone says about youwill bother you, because you know it’s not true, and you’ve already accepted that part of yourself anyway.

No one can touch you when you're in touch with your shadow side. Attacks are water off a duck’s back, & teflon to criticism. My new comfort zone is being uncomfortable. If I’m not there, I’m not growing. I’m going to push the envelope, cause a ruckus & evolve . That’s where I need to be and where I’ll stay

As Carl Jung said, “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but making the darkness conscious.”

#shadowwork #acceptallpossiblerealities #theuncomfortablezone #livingwithpurpose #comeatmebro 😊

How I learned to listen to my body

• This is a friendly PSA to all my ladies out there. I took this photo last week when I stepped into a gym for the 1st time in 2020. I've been traveling all year, first in Southeast Asia, then New Mexico and Texas. I haven’t done a single squat or crunch, and spent most of my time out hiking in nature with zero diet and workout regimens.
  
  What I did do, was exactly what I wanted--traveling, being out in nature, eating food I loved, including a daily breakfast sandwich with sausage and cheese, or avocado toast with egg and salmon. I drank coffee when I wanted, and ate ice cream when I wanted.
  
  Instead of blowing up and getting fat, my body just settled into its new life of zero restrictions, and she loved it.
  
  I realized long ago that setting restrictions actually makes you crave things more, especially for those of us who've recovered from eating disorders. Now that everything is available to me, I'm kinda like, ehhh, no. I choose to eat healthy because that's what makes me feel good.
  
  I'm back working out at the gym not because I "have" to, but because I genuinely enjoy it, especially my #sundaystretchday 😀
  
  In my life I’ve been all over the weight scale. At 5’10 I’ve weighed 120 pounds & I’ve weighed 170. These days I have no idea how much I weigh, and I don’t care. I love my body, I treat it well. As long as I’m healthy that’s all that matters.
  
  I still eat like crap sometimes, but I don’t punish myself for it. I go through the day of eating, then continue my life, remembering what makes me feel good, alive, happy, and what foods provide optimal performance.
  
  Ladies, do what you love, not what feel you should do, while hating it the whole time. It’s scary at first living with no restrictions, eating whatever & giving up grueling workouts, but I promise you, after a time of balancing out your body will settle into its new life and thank you for it.
  
  I’m 37 and I’m more confident, strong, and healthy than anytime in my 20s while modeling, or in my early 30s as a raw vegan. The secret? #norestrictions
  
  Listen to your body. Take care of it like your life depends on it. When you stop punishing your body and start loving it, it will love you back 100x more.

Learning about love

Understanding what Love is releasing my hatred of the word.

Recently I learned more about what love is. I always thought Love was a tangible thing and something to be measured, like love for your friends, your family, etc.

I cringe when people say "love is all you need." This belief was forced on me in the cult, followed by beatings and abuse of all kinds. I was told this abuse was happening because that person loved me. I equated love with pain and ran from any love that didn't seem painful.

I thought I didn't know what love meant as I'm not married, I don't have kids, so I felt my love was stunted. I resigned myself to the fact that I may never know real love, based on the above assessment. But these are all conditional things like desire, passion, allure, infatuation, all of which fades.

But love is so much more than that.

Love is in everything around us. The air we breathe, the ground we walk on, the stick on the ground, the leaf on the tree. Love is in you, me, and everyone, because we are all love and love is all of us. It's unconditional and unchanging. The painful and the joyful, there is love in everything, we just have to choose it.

If we all chose love, there would be no more suffering, only peace. But you have to always choose to return to love, and that's hard part. Choosing love is so much harder than choosing hate and wanting others to suffer like you do. But in the end, everyone wants love, and everyone wants peace. So why not choose that path?

These days I'm choosing to see things differently. I'm choosing to return to love, again and again.

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace."
--Jimi Hendrix

When do you feel most free and like yourself?

When I was in New Mexico away from people, cities, politics, and distractions, it allowed me to figure out who I was, when I most felt like myself, what made me come alive and most importantly, when I felt most connected to my higher self.

There are always areas in our lives where we shine, when we feel most connected and most like ourselves. For me, that's being out in nature without anyone else around. The feeling of total freedom, being connected to mother earth, completely unafraid of anything, is the most profound feeling ever. I thought I was alive before, but I didn't really know what that meant until got rid of all the things I thought I needed to feel that way.

We're all different, and we connect to our deepest self and our hearts in all kinds of ways. I'm curious to hear from all of you: what makes you feel most alive? When do you feel most connected to your highest self? When do you feel most inspired and what contributes to that inspiration? Let me know in the comments below!

Society's skewed version of sexuality

I'm seeing a lot of comments on social media that are, surprisingly but also maybe not surprisingly--almost mocking the fact that Netflix was indicted by the grand jury in Texas for the lewd depiction of children in the show Cuties. People are saying it's not that bad, this is all due to conspiracy theorists and getting blown way out of proportion.

Interestingly enough, some of these people are the ones criticizing me and others for having nudity on their page. Let's just pause for a sec at these ridiculous contradictions and the hypocrisy of it all...

Newsflash! The sexualization of children is NOT normal. Images and film depicting "cute kids" in "cute outfits", shaking their butts and twerking on stage at 9 years old is NOT ok and there are NO circumstances where this is appropriate.

Guess what is normal? A 37 yr old woman who knows herself, doesn't stand for people's bullshit, who is proud of & celebrates her body in its natural form, who has gone through horrendous amounts of sexual abuse and trauma, only to come out the other side perfectly healed with a healthy sense of sexuality, showing off her body in an artful way on social media, just the way she wants to. Shocking? Maybe to some, but certainly not wrong.

I can't believe the state of the world sometimes and its skewed view on sexuality. How anyone can think that a grown woman posting beautiful photos on social media is not OK, while a disgusting show on Netflix with underage twerking children is fine, is beyond me. Something normal and natural like images of women showing their bodies or nursing their children, are censored online all the time, while the sexualization of children remains all over TV and Social Media. Guys, we can do so much better as a nation and so much better together.

Your reaction to other people's actions and what they're doing with their lives says far more about you than the other person. I would suggest we all examine our morals, our beliefs, and our thoughts to see where they are coming from and how they are being influenced. What you find may surprise you.

#nudaisnormal #nakedinnature #sereneearth #skewedperspective #cancelcuties #childabuseawareness #bodybyhiking