Rather than the Oxford English Dictionary, I used Brené Brown’s definition of shame, which is a clear explanation that rings true for all of us.
Brené says she believes there is a profound difference between shame and guilt. Guilt can be adaptive and helpful, like holding something we’ve failed in up against our values by feeling psychological discomfort.
Shame on the other hand, is tied to something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do that makes us believe we’re unworthy of connection.
Shame is huge for trauma survivors, in particular those who have suffered abuse. Many times the perpetrator gaslights us to believe we brought the abuse on ourselves, or that we even wanted or enjoyed it. Over time this creates a huge sense of cognitive dissonance as we feel one thing, but are made to believe another.
Shame is one of the biggest issues I've had to work on, both with myself and my clients. It's easy to pretend we don't suffer from shame as many times we don't even understand what it is.
When you understand how shame affects your life through your emotions, actions, beliefs, habits and relationships, you realize how much shame controls your life.
When I lived in shame I felt I was bad because of my past. I lived with a subconscious sense of disgrace, chronic self-reproach and personal failure, all stemming from my childhood.
To heal shame I first had to understand how it sabotaged my life, held me back from reaching any goal and stuck in the mentality that I wasn't worthy of love, respect, and connection. This manifested in my sub-par relationships, lying about my life and denying to look at some really hard truths about my childhood.
The first time I felt no shame, I knew it was something I never felt before. You will know when you're shame free because you'll feel different, just like you feel something is off when stuck in a shame cycle.
I still have feelings of shame and I always will. But now I can recognize the old shame feeling, acknowledge it, be like "oh, it's you again" then move on from it. Being aware, acknowledging it, noticing how it feels through your body then moving on has been the quickest way to get out of a shame spiral.
What Brand Are You?
Asking the question what are you portraying in life? Are you someone you would take your own advice from? Are you living in integrity with your values?
I had an interesting conversation with a friend awhile back that I just thought of.
In this conversation, he talked about being a brand, and how you want to market yourself to the world. If you were a brand, what brand would you be? And, would you buy that brand? Essentially, you pose the question to yourself as to whether the brand you currently portray is something you would trust, invest in and recommend to others. And if your brand is aligned with your core values and if you’re living from that place.
This conversation pops up in my head frequently, and I often ask myself what brand I am portraying to others, and is this brand authentic to who I really am. What's more, would I take advice from this brand, and would I purchase it? Does this brand align with my values?
Branding and marketing is obviously a common strategy in every business, but taking it a step further into your personal life puts it on another level. When you see yourself as a brand, you start thinking about things differently. Are you consistent, are you trustworthy, are you someone you would take your own advice from? Are you someone you would recommend to others?
Brands evolve with time, but their core message stays the same. I often think of my own core message and what I want to portray to the world, even though it changes. Overall, it's the message that you can not only survive severe childhood trauma, but thrive. You don't have to rely on external factors for happiness, resolution, or peace, because you can give that to yourself. You can build a life you love the way you want to, regardless of what others say, what X group thinks or X group says. And you can do all that with kindness, and integrity.
Let me know the answer to these questions in the comments below:
1. What brand are you?
2. What's your core message?
3. Are you living in integrity with your brand values?
Survivor's Guilt and PTSD...is it real?
Understanding the link between survivor’s guilt, PTSD, and when others reinforce the beliefs in you
I read a great blog post from Amen University where I got my Brain Health Coaching certification from. In it, it talks about survivor’s guilt and what people go through after coming out of a tragic experience better than others.
According to Amen University, survivor’s guilt is often considered a serious symptom of PTSD. They say:
“While not everyone who endures a traumatic event will develop PTSD, some research estimates that as many as 90% of people who lived through events where others died experience feelings of guilt. They may question their own survival and feel a sense of responsibility for what happened:
Why did my buddy get killed, but not me?
Why did I run away from it?
Why didn’t I do more to save others?
What could I have done to prevent this tragedy?”
This one hits home to me all the time and really for anyone who has survived a tragic event when others didn't, or your experiences were different than others who survived the same tragedy.
For my personal experience growing up in the cult, I'm constantly attacked and demonized for talking about my experiences, sometimes from people very close to me. The accusations are always the same:
"You didn't have it as bad as me!" (indicating my trauma and experiences don't count because theirs were "worse" in their mind)
"You're a liar!" (indicating because my experiences were different, then I certainly must be lying)
"You're embellishing!" (exaggerating my trauma to make is seem worse, but it can't be worse, cause theirs is worse)
"You're a narcissist!" (indicating that because I'm talking about myself, I must not care about anyone else. Hint for this one: only narcissists call other people narcissists)
These words are not only deeply harmful to survivors but dangers and divisive. Rather than supporting those who are coming out to speak about their experiences, we're quick to blame, point the finger, and shut them down.
I was attacked so much from this that I actually began to believe it. This led to so much guilt that I had nothing to complain about because "so and so had it worse than me". This led me down a dark path of shame, silence, depression, and repressed anger.
Now that I'm speaking up about my life, these attacks are old news and SO 2019. But survivors guilt is real, ya'll. From war, to abuse, to car wrecks, to natural disasters, we CANNOT control what happens in our life or how we survive (or don't survive) it.
This article from Amen Clinics explains the link to survivor's guilt and PTSD, the common symptoms and how to heal from it. This was key in my path to recovery, and I know it can help others.
https://www.amenclinics.com/blog/understanding-the-relationship-between-survivors-guilt-and-ptsd/
Reflecting on my transformation over the past year
The past year and a half has been the most transformative of my life. I’ve stopped lying about my past & not only come to accept it, but learned to turn that pain into power, changing the question of “what happened to me?” Into, “What can I do with what happened to me?”
I’m now I’m able to help others heal and move forward from trauma and experiences that have held them back their entire life. I’m in a place of peace and happiness in my life, taking no shit from others and living exactly how I please.
Of course, this road hasn’t been without challenges. I’ve been viciously attacked, both by strangers & people close to me.
Here’s some things I’ve been called in the past year:
Narcissist
Liar
Pedophile sympathizer
Dangerous
Mentally ill
Needs electro therapy
Trying to get attention
Pathetic
Dumb/stupid
Brainwashed
Should be in jail
.... to name a few
I won’t lie and say these things haven’t hurt me. It’s awful to be targeted by strangers, & worse by people I know. But the good thing about healing is learning to accept not only all possible realities of yourself, but using it to your advantage. That's what shadow work is.
Shadow work involves going into the deepest, darkest places of yourself, and not just looking into it, but sitting with it, getting real comfortable with the uncomfort, until it just becomes a part of you.
These days if I’m bothered when people call me things, I know that on some level I must think it’s true. When you go into your shadow, accepting ALL possible realities of yourself, NOTHING anyone says about youwill bother you, because you know it’s not true, and you’ve already accepted that part of yourself anyway.
No one can touch you when you're in touch with your shadow side. Attacks are water off a duck’s back, & teflon to criticism. My new comfort zone is being uncomfortable. If I’m not there, I’m not growing. I’m going to push the envelope, cause a ruckus & evolve . That’s where I need to be and where I’ll stay
As Carl Jung said, “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but making the darkness conscious.”
#shadowwork #acceptallpossiblerealities #theuncomfortablezone #livingwithpurpose #comeatmebro 😊
Society's skewed version of sexuality
I'm seeing a lot of comments on social media that are, surprisingly but also maybe not surprisingly--almost mocking the fact that Netflix was indicted by the grand jury in Texas for the lewd depiction of children in the show Cuties. People are saying it's not that bad, this is all due to conspiracy theorists and getting blown way out of proportion.
Interestingly enough, some of these people are the ones criticizing me and others for having nudity on their page. Let's just pause for a sec at these ridiculous contradictions and the hypocrisy of it all...
Newsflash! The sexualization of children is NOT normal. Images and film depicting "cute kids" in "cute outfits", shaking their butts and twerking on stage at 9 years old is NOT ok and there are NO circumstances where this is appropriate.
Guess what is normal? A 37 yr old woman who knows herself, doesn't stand for people's bullshit, who is proud of & celebrates her body in its natural form, who has gone through horrendous amounts of sexual abuse and trauma, only to come out the other side perfectly healed with a healthy sense of sexuality, showing off her body in an artful way on social media, just the way she wants to. Shocking? Maybe to some, but certainly not wrong.
I can't believe the state of the world sometimes and its skewed view on sexuality. How anyone can think that a grown woman posting beautiful photos on social media is not OK, while a disgusting show on Netflix with underage twerking children is fine, is beyond me. Something normal and natural like images of women showing their bodies or nursing their children, are censored online all the time, while the sexualization of children remains all over TV and Social Media. Guys, we can do so much better as a nation and so much better together.
Your reaction to other people's actions and what they're doing with their lives says far more about you than the other person. I would suggest we all examine our morals, our beliefs, and our thoughts to see where they are coming from and how they are being influenced. What you find may surprise you.
#nudaisnormal #nakedinnature #sereneearth #skewedperspective #cancelcuties #childabuseawareness #bodybyhiking
Accepting the things I cannot change...about myself
I've learned to accept something about myself recently, which is I cannot make up my mind about anything until the last minute. It's not that I make bad choices, but decision making literally gives me anxiety. I think waaaay too much about the consequences of each choice and construct huge stories far into the future about what could happen with each decision. Because of that it stresses me out and makes me a bit neurotic.
I've been trying to figure out the next steps for my life now for months and I'm just realizing that I'm not super into long term planning, much less making plans and sticking to it. When you give people your word and back out, that's breaking promises to yourself and reinforcing beliefs that you can't reach goals because you never follow through. So unless I'm serious about a plan, I'll either say no or leave it at a "maybe" until the last minute.
I used to think that this was a horrible quality and I'm sure that's true for some people, but I realized that as an air sign, like the air I will always change direction, I will always change course, and I will always change my mind. Now that I'm cool with that, I feel like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Also realizing my decisions are not wrong, they're just last minute ;)
I used to hate when people would ask at a job interview or in general what my five or 10 year plan is. I would panic and think, "that sounds awful, I literally have no idea what I’m doing in the next month, much less in five or 10 years because my plan is going to change 50,000 times before that!"
Now I realize it’s perfectly fine not to have a five or 10 year plan because they never go according to plan anyway.
Your plan is not the Universe's plans. The less attached you are to specific plans or outcomes, the more flexible you'll be and less chaotic you'll feel when all your plans fall through.
Understanding this for me means I can go where I'm meant at the last minute, change my plans whenever I want and not freak out when nothing works out. There's always a better way, I just need to accept, go with the flow, and find it.
Who else feels this way? Let me know in the comments below 👇