The past year and a half has been the most transformative of my life. I’ve stopped lying about my past & not only come to accept it, but learned to turn that pain into power, changing the question of “what happened to me?” Into, “What can I do with what happened to me?”
I’m now I’m able to help others heal and move forward from trauma and experiences that have held them back their entire life. I’m in a place of peace and happiness in my life, taking no shit from others and living exactly how I please.
Of course, this road hasn’t been without challenges. I’ve been viciously attacked, both by strangers & people close to me.
Here’s some things I’ve been called in the past year:
Narcissist
Liar
Pedophile sympathizer
Dangerous
Mentally ill
Needs electro therapy
Trying to get attention
Pathetic
Dumb/stupid
Brainwashed
Should be in jail
.... to name a few
I won’t lie and say these things haven’t hurt me. It’s awful to be targeted by strangers, & worse by people I know. But the good thing about healing is learning to accept not only all possible realities of yourself, but using it to your advantage. That's what shadow work is.
Shadow work involves going into the deepest, darkest places of yourself, and not just looking into it, but sitting with it, getting real comfortable with the uncomfort, until it just becomes a part of you.
These days if I’m bothered when people call me things, I know that on some level I must think it’s true. When you go into your shadow, accepting ALL possible realities of yourself, NOTHING anyone says about youwill bother you, because you know it’s not true, and you’ve already accepted that part of yourself anyway.
No one can touch you when you're in touch with your shadow side. Attacks are water off a duck’s back, & teflon to criticism. My new comfort zone is being uncomfortable. If I’m not there, I’m not growing. I’m going to push the envelope, cause a ruckus & evolve . That’s where I need to be and where I’ll stay
As Carl Jung said, “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but making the darkness conscious.”
#shadowwork #acceptallpossiblerealities #theuncomfortablezone #livingwithpurpose #comeatmebro 😊
What is the deal with witches?
How society views witches, the history of who they really were
Hands down one of the best courses I took at UT Austin was called "The History of Witchcraft". (Yes, it's a real course, look it up). Brian P Levack has been studying witches, trials, witch hunts, etc for decades. I found his perspective particularly interesting:
"The witch was usually not a foreigner or stranger to her community. The great majority of the witches were older and poorer than average, unmarried or widowed, someone who did not adhere to the traditional behavior standards of her community or of her sex, or someone who physically looked different.”
Women were particularly targeted, especially those who inherited money or land from a dead husband and refused to marry again. Many times they were kidnapped at night, tortured endlessly then presented to the crowd prior to execution as broken, battered, mutilated women. This is where the modern image of the witch came from.
Many of us are descended from witches, who weren't really witches at all but simply naturalists & holistic healers who refused to compromise their beliefs and gifts and bend to societal norms.
I applaud UT for offering courses like this to students, as well as their women's studies electives. Highly recommend looking into options for these courses wherever you may be studying. Stuff like this is out there, y'all. You just gotta know how/where to look. ✨🧚👍
"Here's to strong women. May we know them, may we've them, may we raise them."
Would my story be better if I was a different race?
Recently I was told from someone in Hollywood that my life would be a great movie, especially if I was a different race. I was told it would be more "impactful", "powerful" and more inclusive. I was then told if I disagreed, maybe it was because I hated other races. Interesting what the world has come to and how people come to conclusions and assumptions of others.
My story is about me, a white woman, and my experiences in a cult. Cults that are notoriously known for recruiting white people. If I was black, my story would be completely different. If someone played me as a black actor, it would be fictional. Literally none of my experiences would be the same, and vice versa.
Your story will not be more impactful if you were different race. Your story will not be better, more powerful or more inclusive if you changed your appearance, race, or culture. Your story made you who you are and no one else can take that away from you. Not people in Hollywood, not your woke friends or well meaning strangers.
Women are always told they're not enough, or that if they "just had" this and this, they would be better. In my 20s I was constantly told if I "just had" bigger boobs and lips I'd be perfect. Well I don't, and I'm cool with that. I'm my own person, with my own story, and my own looks. That's who I am, and I'm not letting anyone take that away from me.
You only have one story. Don't sell it short, let others cheapen your experiences or think you are less than because you don't fit the mold of what they think your life should be. Your life is yours and yours alone, and that's what makes you unique as an individual.
Own it.
Why am I so afraid?
Our of all the things I’ve had to work on recently, the biggest one is fear.
As a child I lived in constant fear of my safety from abuse. As I grew up this fear translated into my adult life with fear of people finding out my past & who I was & fear of facing my past in order to heal.
In the healing process it evolved into fear of my future, fear of who I will become, fear of being judged, fear of losing my goals/visions for the future, fear of losing loved ones, friends, of losing everything.
Being out alone in nature and forced to sit with my fear brought up a lot of things that made me realize my anxiety is through the roof & I struggle with fear on a daily basis.
Sometimes I know I'm healed and on the right path, other times I'm full of anxiety with no idea where to turn. The best thing I can do is continue moving forward, facing fears & being open about my struggles.
I don’t want to put on a façade for social media and seem like I have all the answers. I don’t. Sometimes I want freedom to travel, other times I want stability. Sometimes I have a great idea, the next day I hate it. What’s important is that throughout the last six months I’ve learned to be aware of my thoughts & attune to how I feel. If things feel good to me then I know I'm on the right path. If they feel rushed and fearful, then something is off.
There's so much around us causing so much fear. Being away from everything helps me be more aware of what those are. I was never fearful about my trip in Asia until I started listening to the news. I was never anxious about politics or losing friends over coronavirus until I started paying attention to social media. These things are huge distractions and fear tactics that hold me back. The best I can do is notice when I'm getting anxious, observe the habits I'm engaging in and change it.
If you've been feeling anxious, afraid and on edge, pay attention to your actions, who you're surrounding yourself with, how you're feeling, and how it's manifesting. Then make the necessary changes to bring you back into homeostasis and balance. Living in fear is a choice. You can always choose another option and write a new story.
My current struggles and the relationships with my parents
Addressing the remorseless apologies survivors have received by the cult leaders, my honest feelings about my parents, and a word to those who choose to blame victims rather than the perpetrators.
It's never easy to talk about my personal life. Many people have assumed things about me but never asked. I hope this video clears up any misconceptions and shows that like others, I still battle with my demons every day. But, because of my healing journey, I have the tools and support I need to get me through, keep going, and keep growing.
There is one thing I would like to clarify in this video. While yes, at times it feels like it would be easier if my parents were dead, in doing Byron Katie's "The Work", I need to ask myself the four questions:
1. Is it true? At times it feels like it
2. Can I absolutely know this is true? No, I cannot. There is no way for me to know if my life would be easier, I can only assume
3. Who am I with this thought? Someone who assumes she knows what's best for her life and the life of others, who tries to control outcomes and becomes stressed, bitter and resentful.
4. Who am I without this thought? Peaceful, free, someone who is not trying to control the outcome and understands that everything is happening exactly as it should.
I truly do not know what's best for my life, and this is important for me to emphasize. We think we know what's best for us, but in hindsight, so many things we thought were good for us turned out to be wrong, and vice versa.
The things I teach others and talk about are the things I always apply to my own life, and this is a great example.
"Evil always looks good"
Below is a video from my YouTube channel where I talk about the arrest of Peter Daglish, listening to your intuition and the importance of doing your research! Things are not always as they seem.
