What I wish I could tell my younger self

Looking back on why I spent so much time worrying about completely useless things

There are so many things I wish I could tell my younger self. The wounded child. Shy, introverted, scared, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually abused. The child bullied for her looks, a tall skinny white girl in the land of curvaceous Latinas in Central and South America. Who grew up thinking she was ugly, told she looked like a boy, so acted like a boy. Whose friends scrawled on the back of her shirt "Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?"

I wish I could tell my younger self it'll all be ok. Like, seriously. It’ll be ok. You’re learn that you’re worthy of love and respect. Also, you were never ugly, you just needed to believe you were beautiful, and fuck whatever others say, for real. Confidence will be your greatest accessory and no one will make you feel inferior without your consent. You will love every part of yourself, and from that love, you will learn to love others.

But seriously little Serena, you were never ugly! Just because people made you feel that way does not make it true. Don’t take everything and everyone so seriously. Also you’ll be naked a lot in your older life so chill out with the body issues. It’s all. In. Your. Head.

Who else wishes they could go back and tell themselves a simple message like this? I tell my inner child this all the time. When those seeds of doubt and comparison creep in, return to yourself, you source. It does not have to be hard. You don't need tapping and journaling and pure diets and meditation. Acknowledge the thoughts with compassion, then remind yourself feelings don't make it true. Just because someone said something or made you feel a certain way does not make it so. Fuck them all.

Then go take all the naked photos of yourself that you want.

What growing up in a sex cult taught me - Pt 2

Chosen family vs. blood family…what can we learn?

A peaceful walk in the seaside town of Cascais, Portugal

Your chosen family teaches you about love and care. Your blood family teaches you patience and forgiveness.

With yet another interview out about me, I’ve often been asked about the relationship with my parents.

To be honest, I never had a relationship with them. They did not raise me, and they were strangers to me as a child. They were also terrible parents and highly abusive. But they taught me valuable lessons about myself and the type of person I want to be. 

My parents are my greatest teachers. They taught me strength, adversity, empathy, compassion, kindness, vulnerability, authenticity, truthfulness, resilience, independence, and so much more. But most of all they taught me forgiveness and patience. Forgiveness to be able to set myself free from the terrible abuses of my childhood. Patience to allow them to show up as the people they are and understand that they will not change unless they want to. This is what my blood family has taught me.

My chosen family, however, taught me respect, camaraderie, community, confidence, sisterhood, support, overcoming, joy, friendship, trust, loyalty, communication, love, and care. They taught me what it means to have a true bond as either a friend, a partner, or mentor. From them I learned what healthy, loving, caring relationships looks like in the way they show up in the world for their own family, their friends, and me. 

Without true love, without knowing someone cares, what do we have? All we want is to be seen, heard, love, excepted, and respected. Without that we have nothing.

So I want to thank both my blood family and my chosen family for teaching me so much about life, about what it means to be human and providing me with so many valuable experiences and opportunities to learn and grow in this lifetime. It’s because of both my blood family and my chosen family that I am a better person today than I was just a year ago. 

I’m thankful for the pain and suffering I’ve felt through life because each time I refuse to let it bring me down, even though many times I wasn’t sure if I’d pull through. But I know that I can either allow the pain to help me grow and evolve, or I can wallow in it and sit around waiting for someone to save me.

 There was an interesting question I heard yesterday on The Diary of a CEO. And that was, if you had the ability to remove pain from life forever, would you? It took me awhile to ponder this question as with pain comes so much other stuff. Sickness, heartbreak, disease, mental issues, and more. So could I remove those as well?

i came to the conclusion similar to the interviewer. Which is that without pain, I don’t think we’d truly appreciate the joy. It would just be. We would probably go through life a bit numb, because everything is pain free. You must be alive to feel pain, and joy. That’s the balance of life. If I didn’t feel pain or suffering, I wouldn’t be alive. And I truly feel alive.

So thank you to my parents and the cult for teaching me about pain, teaching me about kindness, teaching me about healing. While I may not have wanted those lessons, I feel blessed that I was able to turn them into something valuable and beautiful, and for that I am grateful.

Letting go to go beyond

“To go beyond where we are now, we must let go of what we have been.” Linda Howe

When I first read that quote above, I had to sit with it for a bit.

If I want to get beyond where I am, I must let go of who I’ve been.

That hit deep. Because we tend to attach so much identity to our past, who we are, where we’ve been, our experiences and the beliefs we formed through those experiences.

To truly go beyond, we have to be willing to give all that up. Start with a clean slate, let go of what’s holding us back to welcome in what will propel us forward.

For me, I had to look at what I was still holding onto that holds me back. We all do this. Attach identities and stories to past experiences, which shapes who we are today. To go beyond that, to grow and evolve, we have to release those old stories and patterns that keep us stuck.

This is tremendously hard to do as it means I have to take ownership of my life and be accountable for all my actions and habits. It’s hard and daunting, but also well worth it when you look back and realize how far you've come.

And many times, you wouldn’t have come that far if you hadn’t given up something to get there.

Try it and see how it works for you.

What it means to "let go"

Throughout my life I’ve seen a lot of words, quotes, coaches, etc, talk about the importance of "letting go". I even started talking about it before I fully grasped the concept.

But saying "letting go" can be triggering, particularly for trauma survivors. When you say “let go”, you're telling them to let go of everything they worked to get HOLD OF in their recovery.

Letting go is also hard if you've grown up with a strict religion and the idea of a scary god. Or if you've put your trust in others (like those in power) & it backfired. The term becomes meaningless or even harmful.

So what is letting go, really?

Letting go is trusting you are supported by something greater than yourself. That you will find the courage to act at the right time, but not attached to any specific outcome. It does not mean letting go of life. It simply means you trust you are protected and guided, enough to put one foot in front of the other. A day at a time. This is how we live in peace & flow, connected to ourselves and intuition.

But how do you safely let go? In my 39 years of life, I've never heard a clear explanation until I came across Linda Howe, who provides a simple method.

Linda says the safest way of letting go is to put your trust in something dependable first. This could be anything from the cycles of the moon, plants that grow, planets in orbit, the sunrise, your vital organs working. Something tangible & reliable.

It has nothing to do with spirituality, it just has to be meaningful to you. What is that? Waves crashing on a beach? Birds flying in the sky? Literally anything that is a constant in your life, and there are many. You can let go into something you trust.

When you find that constant, relax into the idea there is a power for good at work in your life, and you can trust it without a second thought. Learn to trust what you can see, before trusting what you can't see. This is the safest way for your nervous system to begin to relax. Then, you can start to let go. Eventually, you won't have to keep letting go, because you’ll always be in flow, and at peace.

Then, you can start all that other spiritual stuff. Try it, and see how it works for you.

How I keep sabotaging myself...and how to stop it

"Excuses for ourselves still ultimately be the killer of our dreams." -- @realcandaceowens

Recently I realized I've been making a lot of excuses for myself. Why I haven't gotten to X point in life or accomplished X goal. Then I suddenly realized that the only person holding me back is myself.

I realized that the biggest thing I was doing was making excuses for myself. “It’s not the right time, I don’t feel like it, I don’t feel ready, etc.” But as the famous quote says, “Done is better the perfect,” It’s so important to actually START something and get it going, get it finished, even if it’s not perfect, stop making the excuses that are holding you back and step into the unknown.

So I decided to stop the self sabotaging behavior, take a few steps back and reassess some patterns in my life. While yes, I will be letting go of some things and grieving the way I thought my life would go, that only means I'm making room for better things to come.

That also means I’ll be challenging myself a lot more, stepping into more discomfort and allowing myself to grow, to reach new goals and to set standards that I have been too overwhelmed to set or felt like they were too much out of reach. Even if I felt that it's too much pressure or I’m not prepared, I have to remember that Tomorrow never really comes, and preparation can sometimes be a sneaky disguise for procrastination.

To turn our aspirations into reality, we must be willing to step into the unknown, face our fears head-on, and push ourselves beyond what feels safe and familiar. That's where the magic happens!

So, here's my challenge to myself: To on a journey of discomfort and growth, with the unwavering determination to reach my goals. Whether it's pursuing a new career path, starting a passion project, or simply taking better care of ourselves, l will banish procrastination from my life.

Progress doesn't always come easily. It's okay to stumble, make mistakes, and encounter setbacks along the way. Embrace those moments as opportunities for learning and growth. Each step, no matter how small, brings us closer to the person we aspire to be.

From now on I will hold myself accountable, cheer others on, and celebrate every milestone achieved. I will share struggles and triumphs, and inspire others to join this incredible journey. We're capable of more than we could ever imagine, and it all starts with that courageous first step.

So, here's to embracing discomfort, bidding farewell to procrastination, and unleashing our full potential! It’s time to step into our greatness and stop sabotaging myself and my dreams.

What have you been putting off lately and finding excuses for? Take a look at your life, you may be surprised at what you find.

How to find the beauty in taking risks

The amount of people that still think I'm traveling with a dude, or someone that is secretly taking my photos, or that I'm only in places where I have friends/know others is hilarious.

Sure, there are times I'm unsure of where to stay. I have to be careful as a solo female traveler, but it doesn't deter me from getting out and exploring the world.

Last year when I heard about the murder of Gabi Petito on SM, I was camped in the desert in the above photo. The thought crossed my mind that maybe I should move. Maybe I wasn’t safe. Maybe there was a serial killer in this desert. Ridiculous thoughts I would've never considered had I not known about it the murder beforehand.

Then I remembered that this girl’s situation had nothing to do with mine. her story is not mine, her life is not mine, her circumstances are not mine. So why was I afraid? I chose in that moment to stay in the spot I was, and I would have missed the incredible sights and adventures the next day if I chickened out and left to a "safer" spot.

We've been so programmed as females in society to stay in one place, not explore or go out on our own. That everything is dangerous and out to kill us. That we're not safe without a man.

Sure, there are risks. But we risk our lives everyday driving in our car to go to the store. If I had listened to everyone who told me to stay home the past 2 years, I would still be in the same Austin apartment I lived in for ten years. I would've never gone to Asia, driven across the U.S, stayed in cabins in remote areas & seen friends around the country.

Even now as I prepare for my next trip, people are asking if I know anyone there or if I'm going to see someone. No, I don't know anyone in that country, and most of the time I don’t speak the language of that country either. I just go and learn on the fly. that’s the beauty of traveling. That’s the beauty of freedom and the beauty of taking risks.

Stop letting all the fear mongering on the news affect you. Stop letting other's fears affect you. Turn off the TV. For real. Just stop watching the news. You will see how little it really affects you when you step away from the brainwashing and just live your life. Yes, there will always be others suffering. But how do you expect to help them when you won't even help yourself? Put yourself first. There is no shame in it.

Then get outside and go do something you've always wanted to but have been too scared to. 💚💜💙