The only person you can heal is yourself. The only thoughts and judgment you can change are your own. The story we tell is the only nightmare we believe. We can heal from anything because our present pain is self inflicted from past pain, attached to beliefs and stories we created around the experience.
Does heading mean you never suffer again? No. As trauma survivors you're allowed to be angry and to forgive. You're allowed to be healed but still get triggered. You're allowed to move on but acknowledge the deep pain that was inflicted on you. You're allowed to go through all those things and still be healed.
Healing is about acknowledging all these things, experiencing the deep pain come up again and again, yet having the tools you need acknowledge the experience and how many times you've relived it. Then forgive yourself for the pain you've endured all this time. This allows you to move past it and come to an understanding with yourself and your life.
If you're waiting for the perfect apology from someone who's wronged you you'll be waiting a long time. The best thing you can do is learn to provide the apology and love to yourself that you never received. But this means acknowledging some hard truths about yourself and your beliefs around the situation that maybe you haven't faced before. The result is peace, letting go of self hatred, letting in self respect, boundaries, and dropping that weight you've been carrying around for years that was never yours to carry in the first place.
You can do it! And if you need any extra support, email me at hello@serenakelley.com. I'm here for you.
Why I stopped hating women
It wasn’t the women who were the issue…it was me.
I used to have this story in my head that I didn't get along with females, they were always in "competition" with me, they were bitches, not to be trusted, etc. All crap based on past experiences. Of course, what happened? The same females kept popping up in my life, reinforcing my negative beliefs.
I finally realized that I was the one that needed to change. While yes, I've been burned by female friends in the past and bullied while growing up, holding on to these negative memories only invited more of the same into my life.
It was only when I stopped judging and being jealous of other women did I start to find my tribe. I reconnected with old friends, let some old ones go, and in doing so found new ones with the space it created in my life.
I've connected with women both in person and online and it's been the most welcome surprise of the year. Best of all, I fully support them and they me.
Your tribe is out there, you just gotta be willing to go out and find it. Start with letting go of some old beliefs--maybe even some old friendships--in order to make space for new and better ones to find you.
If you wanna walk naked in the woods with someone else's dog, collect turkey feathers thinking it's from a hawk, do cartwheels on a main road with a gun strapped to you, climb a canyon everyday and take a full moon bath covered in mud, that's A-ok! The best part is, there are others who do the same.
Find your tribe and your sisterhood. Start supporting women and seeing them as allies rather than competition. Surround yourself with females that support and inspire you. And watch how fast your circle grows.
"Because there’s one thing stronger than magic. Sisterhood." ⭐⭐
My struggles with body dysmorphia
I was going through photos of myself when I found this one and went to delete it. I disliked this photo for several reasons:
1. Bad angle, makes my arms look fat and my boobs look small
2. Hair looks thin and scraggly
3. You can see my crooked teeth, a huge source of shame growing up
4. Wrinkles
I immediately noticed the insane negative self criticism and decided to take a good look at the photo until I got comfortable with it, and then posted it.
Growing up around women in Brazil with long hair, big boobs and lips, I was constantly bullied for my looks. I was tall, skinny and awkward. Kids would pull out chairs from under me and laugh when I fell, saying it was such a long way down for me to go. They’d tell me “You’re so skinny you can stand sideways behind a broomstick and disappear.”
When I went to my first teen camp in the cult at 16, everyone knew who I was & I thought people wanted to be my friends. At the end of the camp we all received T-shirts and signed our names on everyone's. Some of the girls I thought were my friends wrote things on the back of my shirt like: “Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?”
Of course I laughed this all off but deep down I was so hurt. I wasn’t like the others, I didn’t have big boobs and long hair. Guys didn’t look at me like they did my friends, so I decided I would be a tomboy and just be friends with all the boys instead. I hid my body and swam with t-shirts so no one would see my chest.
It took me over a decade of eating disorders, drugs, and body dysmorphia to finally get to a point where I stopped the self destruction and decided to treat my body as something sacred vs something despicable. Even so, I still have these thoughts.
I don’t want to look like everyone else. I don’t want to cut up my body and put things in it to change the outside when I feel awful on the inside. The best I can do is continue using this time to uncover those hidden thoughts about myself in order to grow, be stronger and (obvi) keep being the badass faerie dragon queen I am. I'm much happier that way anyway 👑🧚🏻♂️🐉
Stepping out of my familiar comfort zone
“What saved you as a child will suffocate you as an adult.”
When we experience trauma as a child, we develop habits and patterns to protect or soul and brain when our body is in physical distress.
Our ego taught us self preservation, which served us then but now only hold us back with its negative self talk. Things like:
You're not doing it right
People will mock you
You're too old
There's not enough time
You're not smart/pretty/educated, etc) enough
There's not enough....
You should/shouldn't do...
Any type of "well meaning" talk like this is only your ego working to keep you small, in your place, not rocking the boat or being a "nuisance". Your ego steps in when you're pushing out of your comfort zone on the way to greatness.
When you commit to greatness, all the stories, beliefs, and habits formed as a child that helped you survive start coming up as an adult. The ego knows you’re stepping out of your comfort zone and will try to keep you stuck.
In order to bypass the ego we need to stop being afraid of ourselves and become who we really are, which is also what we have the most resistance to because of the lies our ego tells us about what will happen if we do it (everyone will leave/laugh/hate me).
When there ego conspires to throw you off course, sometimes it works! Last year I succumbed to fear, got stuck in small-minded thinking and was temporarily silenced because of attacks on my character.
When I finally stopped listening to my ego and listened to my soul, I realized that what helped protect me as a child now held me back. It was time to shift my attention from the ego to the soul, embrace my warrior within and stop being afraid of who I am.
When I embraced these challenges as a step to growth rather than attacks, that's when I experienced a transformation. I let go of all the old stories and beliefs about myself, and began transitioning into who I’m meant to be.
My resistance is the only thing that separates me from my power. I no longer want to be fueled by fear, living a mediocre life. I want to continue on the path to greatness living a shame-free, fearless life. You can too!
Liked or Respected? Can you have both?
I grew up learning to be a people pleaser, punished for using my own voice and questioning cult teachings. So I learned at a young age to keep quiet. Don't rock the boat, stop with the questions, keep quiet if I disagree.
Unfortunately this translated into my adult life. While I'm certainly not a wallflower sitting silently in the corner, I've often found myself silent and not speaking up on extremely controversial issues for fear of going against the majority and being shunned.
I've seen a lot of people these days keeping silent on what's going on simply because they have different views than the majority. On the other hand I've seen a handful of people unafraid to speak their mind & go against the majority to show more than two sides, more than black-and-white, and more than what we're seeing. 😦
I have more respect for those few people than I do for the hundreds of others who aren't saying anything different. It doesn't matter what their beliefs are, they know where they stand and they don't care about the majority. ♥
These people taught me about resilience and toughening up. This doesn't mean hardening my heart, but changing my mindset from appeasing and defending to standing by my convictions and beliefs.
There will forever be a little girl inside of me just wants to be liked and accepted. It may seem easier just being nice, but those days are gone. I learned that I can't always be liked, but I can always be respected. 🌠
So I decided I'd much rather be respected than liked. 💯
Self Deprecation vs. Self Realization
Choosing to plug into my excited Soul versus the fearful Ego
My whole life self deprecation was my comfort zone. I thought it was me being humble, but in reality it was only reinforcing my insecurities and negative thought patterns. ♥
A true healing journey is so much more than just trauma. It’s stepping into our power, learning to love and trust ourselves (perhaps for the first time ever) and become who we really are, unapologetically. It’s listening to our soul vs ego and choosing love over fear.
Joseph Campbell says the hero's journey is a "transformation of consciousness." Where we have been thinking one way our whole lives and now we must think another.
These days I’m learning to think a different way about myself. I’m a businesswoman, a business owner, an experienced trauma recovery coach, and I’m amazing at it. I’m on a deeply spiritual path and I’m able to connect with my guides in various ways. I’m reclaiming my power as a woman and I’m choosing to take pride in each tiny success and progress I’ve made.
If this resonates and you’ve been doing something similar, start noticing the ways you’re holding yourself back with thoughts and conversations. Whatever you focus on, grows. So chose what empowers and excites you, not what holds you back.
If you're looking to get rid of those negative beliefs and self deprecating habits, I want to hear from you! Send me a DM or email me at hello@serenakelley.com. 💙
"I choose to plug into my excited Soul versus my fearful Ego.”