You create the world you live in

Feeling stressed, depressed, angry, anxious, and confused about the state of the world? Read this.

You do not have to subscribe to the fear mongering going on. You do not have to choose a side. You do not have to prove to anyone how woke you are. You do not have to worry about others shaming you when you don't engage. You do not have to believe everything you're hearing or seeing.

Take care of yourself first. Turn off the TV. Get off social media. Go take a bath. Stop getting angry about things you can't control. It's just. Not. Worth it.

STOP THE DOOMSCROLLING! You'll be ok!

Doomscrolling is literally a word now, created just for 2020. Look it up online, it’s true.

Doomscrolling... a 2020 development wreaking havoc on the nation. So much that we even created a word for it.

Doomscrolling is a manufactured tactic by the media to make us chronically anxious and afraid. According to @amen_clinics, information (especially negative) is like crack. Brain-imaging research in 2019 found that information triggers the dopamine-fueled reward system in the same way as food, money, or drugs. The authors of this study suggest this is why we are susceptible to clickbait.

Doomscrolling = clickbait on steroids.

The human brain is wired for negativity. American psychologist Dr. Rick Hanson famously said "The brain is like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones." When you know this (and media corporations do), it's easy to create scare-inducing headlines about spiking COVID cases, politics, looting, & rioting keep us glued + afraid. And when you're afraid, you're easily controlled.

Fear leads to unhealthy behaviour like alcoholism, depression, anxiety, relationship problems, & more. You've seen it on social media, or perhaps you were caught up in one of these situations, as I was.

The best remedy to stop your doomscrolling habits is to start focusing on what's going RIGHT in your life rather than going wrong. Limit daily your social media and news intake. Take a mental break, get outside, LIVE YOUR LIFE.

It's not worth it letting go of a decade+ friendship because you disagree on politics, health, etc, whatever the case may be. Reassess what's valuable in your life: human connection or the TV giving you because it's telling you to? And proceed from there.

Here are more ways to avoid doomscrolling and take care of your mental health, according to Amen Clinics where I got my Brain Health Coaching Certification from.

Set time limits for scrolling
Add good news to your daily scrolling. Start and end your day with positivity. Read inspiring stories found on the Good News Network.
Go on an intermittent information fast. Mentally unplug from news on a regular basis.
If you’re tempted to send a snarky say “STOP” and count to 10 before hitting reply
Block social media and news sites that are especially depressing
Make your bedroom a technology free zone

You'll be ok! 💚👍

When secrets take over your life

Keeping secrets gives them power. Here’s why I stopped.

The whole reason I started a healing journey was because I was tired of lying about my life. I didn’t want to keep making up stories, then bursting into tears whenever I talked about my past.

I was tired of running from the truth, denying my past experiences & feeling jealous of all my friends with “normal” lives. I just wanted to be ok with myself and my life.

Last year when I went to the Texas Book Festival I watched an interview with Adrienne Brodeur and she said the following words which I furiously wrote in my notebook and have stuck with me ever since.

“When you deny and oppress secrets, that gives them more power. When you shine a light on it, you’re able to get over the fear and surpass it.”

I realized that by running from the truth in my life, hiding my past and keeping secrets, I gave them power. That meant anyone who “found out” about my life growing up in The Children of God cult could immediately use that information against me somehow, and people did.

I became convinced that somehow I did something wrong, I should be ashamed, I should hide my life and my past, and everyone was so much better than me.

Turns out that by hiding my past I gave that past power over me. And when others found out my “secret”, that gave THEM power over me. Not anymore. I was over it.

I no longer wanted to give away my power. I wanted to face it head on. Sure, it would be hard. Sure it’ll be uncomfortable, and sure, I’ll make a ton of mistakes along the way. But getting over my fear of talking about my past was worth it.

When you keep deep secrets, things will continually happen to get the attention of that secret. Your life will not be yours until you address the thing you fear the most.

It’s only been a little over a year since I first started openly talking about my life, and wow, what a relief it’s been. I’ve made deeper connections with others & myself. Slowly but surely I made order out of chaos and meaning out of pain. Sure, it felt vulnerable and exposing at first, but it was totally worth it.

If there’s a secret you’ve been keeping, and things continuously keep happening that force you to keep looking at that secret, consider facing it head on. Accept all possibilities of what could happen when you face it, and know that the outcome will most likely be nothing that you expect.

When you speak from the heart, when you tell a deeply personal story and share your journey, no matter how fearful you are or how scary it is, it will resonate with someone, and people will respect you for it.

I know because it happened to me.

Who do you take criticism from? The armchair warriors or those in the arena with you?

Time and again I see “armchair warriors”, speaking from the sidelines, giving feedback and advice, calling people names & spewing hate. You guys, these people do not matter.

Brené Brown elegantly articulated that when we receive feedback, focus on the feedback from those who are or have been in the arena.

Research and qualifications are great, but have they actually been there taking risks, doing deep healing work, going into the deepest, darkest places of their soul, walking through, coming out the other side and speaking out like you are? If not, they have no business telling you what you can and can't do, and you have no business listening to them.

I always ask my coaches and mentors what's their experience “in the arena”. One of my mentors told me, "If anyone comes at you who hasn't done the work, tell them to take a seat. You wouldn't take life advice from them, so why take criticism?" This was some of the best advice I received last year.

Everyone I've learned from has been in the arena. Everyone I take advice from has been where I've been, and going where I want to go. These people know what it's like to walk through the fire, lose friends and family along the way, but come out stronger than before, with a renewed sense of life and purpose.

I'm not interested in your opinion, feedback, or armchair advice unless I ask. Unless you too have have stood naked on your mountain, barring your soul to the world...unless you've been in that arena, I don't care what you have to say about me and my life.

I can say this because I've been through the fire, I'm in the arena, I know what it takes to get here and I can tell who hasn't gone down that road.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again... who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” ~ President Theodore Roosevelt

Survivor's Guilt and PTSD...is it real?

Understanding the link between survivor’s guilt, PTSD, and when others reinforce the beliefs in you

I read a great blog post from Amen University where I got my Brain Health Coaching certification from. In it, it talks about survivor’s guilt and what people go through after coming out of a tragic experience better than others.

According to Amen University, survivor’s guilt is often considered a serious symptom of PTSD. They say:

“While not everyone who endures a traumatic event will develop PTSD, some research estimates that as many as 90% of people who lived through events where others died experience feelings of guilt. They may question their own survival and feel a sense of responsibility for what happened:

• Why did my buddy get killed, but not me?

• Why did I run away from it?

• Why didn’t I do more to save others?

• What could I have done to prevent this tragedy?”

This one hits home to me all the time and really for anyone who has survived a tragic event when others didn't, or your experiences were different than others who survived the same tragedy.

For my personal experience growing up in the cult, I'm constantly attacked and demonized for talking about my experiences, sometimes from people very close to me. The accusations are always the same:

• "You didn't have it as bad as me!" (indicating my trauma and experiences don't count because theirs were "worse" in their mind)

• "You're a liar!" (indicating because my experiences were different, then I certainly must be lying)

• "You're embellishing!" (exaggerating my trauma to make is seem worse, but it can't be worse, cause theirs is worse)

• "You're a narcissist!" (indicating that because I'm talking about myself, I must not care about anyone else. Hint for this one: only narcissists call other people narcissists)

These words are not only deeply harmful to survivors but dangers and divisive. Rather than supporting those who are coming out to speak about their experiences, we're quick to blame, point the finger, and shut them down.

I was attacked so much from this that I actually began to believe it. This led to so much guilt that I had nothing to complain about because "so and so had it worse than me". This led me down a dark path of shame, silence, depression, and repressed anger.

Now that I'm speaking up about my life, these attacks are old news and SO 2019. But survivors guilt is real, ya'll. From war, to abuse, to car wrecks, to natural disasters, we CANNOT control what happens in our life or how we survive (or don't survive) it.

This article from Amen Clinics explains the link to survivor's guilt and PTSD, the common symptoms and how to heal from it. This was key in my path to recovery, and I know it can help others.

https://www.amenclinics.com/blog/understanding-the-relationship-between-survivors-guilt-and-ptsd/

Reflecting on my transformation over the past year

The past year and a half has been the most transformative of my life. I’ve stopped lying about my past & not only come to accept it, but learned to turn that pain into power, changing the question of “what happened to me?” Into, “What can I do with what happened to me?”

I’m now I’m able to help others heal and move forward from trauma and experiences that have held them back their entire life. I’m in a place of peace and happiness in my life, taking no shit from others and living exactly how I please.

Of course, this road hasn’t been without challenges. I’ve been viciously attacked, both by strangers & people close to me.

Here’s some things I’ve been called in the past year:

Narcissist
Liar
Pedophile sympathizer
Dangerous
Mentally ill
Needs electro therapy
Trying to get attention
Pathetic
Dumb/stupid
Brainwashed
Should be in jail
.... to name a few

I won’t lie and say these things haven’t hurt me. It’s awful to be targeted by strangers, & worse by people I know. But the good thing about healing is learning to accept not only all possible realities of yourself, but using it to your advantage. That's what shadow work is.

Shadow work involves going into the deepest, darkest places of yourself, and not just looking into it, but sitting with it, getting real comfortable with the uncomfort, until it just becomes a part of you.

These days if I’m bothered when people call me things, I know that on some level I must think it’s true. When you go into your shadow, accepting ALL possible realities of yourself, NOTHING anyone says about youwill bother you, because you know it’s not true, and you’ve already accepted that part of yourself anyway.

No one can touch you when you're in touch with your shadow side. Attacks are water off a duck’s back, & teflon to criticism. My new comfort zone is being uncomfortable. If I’m not there, I’m not growing. I’m going to push the envelope, cause a ruckus & evolve . That’s where I need to be and where I’ll stay

As Carl Jung said, “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but making the darkness conscious.”

#shadowwork #acceptallpossiblerealities #theuncomfortablezone #livingwithpurpose #comeatmebro 😊